Thursday, December 23, 2010

Bimini, Beer, Beach...Beauty

Bimini, beautiful, beautiful Bimini. I have done nothing but eat, drink and be merry. Not entirely true, I have been journaling and swimming. But between the Bimini bread and the's hard to much else other than that. Especially yoga.

Until last week I really had no desire to be here. Even on the plane, I had that excited 'I'm going somewhere feeling' but I still wasn't 100% in the game. Oooo, fascinating insights already. I suppose that at some point I felt like I had this whole 'travel' business down and in comparison
to many I do. What I am finding is that my sense of security isn't quite as secure as I would like it to be (beer helps) and at the same time I feel completely at most areas. I think a part of that is because I am here with my Dad.
Someone I look to for security and when he damn well knows I can do things on my own it pushes me a bit outside the comfort zone. Thankfully I'm used to that because he's been doing it my entire life!

Going back to October when I took Sacred Gifts, the gift of cultural integration is a gift I thought I wanted to have. Actually I wanted to think I had it really badly and this trip is revealing to me that I most certainly do not. I am able to integrate easily with people and I have no problems socializing and learning new things, yet that whole integrating into a culture...I'm really not sure that is something I need to have anymore. I'm happy to be who I am and I'm happy to fit in our out wherever I am. I'm glad I have some more clarity around that little gift. I also realized this gift might not be within me when I started watching one of the guys we're here with just totally meld into a group of Biminites playing pool. I smiled because I knew why it was so easy for him to just do it.

I'm the opposite. I'm the encourager so whe
n I'm in new places I wait for people to come to me, or talk to me and that seems to be pretty easy in this area.

In the process of three paragraphs I've understood that I have a commitment issue with Bimini AND that I am indeed a little apprehensive about being in new places with people I don't know. Although, that really only lasted one day because by the end of the first night at the Thirsty Turtle we now knew most of the people on the north end of the south island. Dimaggio, my new Bimini BFF has got my back and THAT makes me feel good. To be honest, I'm sure most of them would have my back so long as I wasn't the one instigating the trouble....I encourage...never instigate. lol

Another thing I have learned in the last two days being down here is silence is golden, especially when there is little of it being in a condo with three 24yr old guys. I can't blame them though, I was exactly the same way! Being in the moment, listening and having fun above all, letting the guards's a good thing.
As we've finally settled in we're looking forward to getting out on the water. I still have two full weeks here. It may or may not fly by, but if the last two days are any indication it will flow absolutely at the right pace and bring all sorts of treasures real and imagined.

Have an amazing holiday! Merry Christmas from Bimini! xoxoxo

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Truth or Beer

I knew I was in for something special when a last minute plan fell into place effortlessly and I was having deja vu sitting there watching the band play. Those to me are two key elements of confirmation that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be :)

Three pints of inhibition last night led me to a very sobering realization of something going on inside of me. I realized the truth of just how deep one of my wounds is. In that moment I was a bit slow to realize the words that had just left my mouth, but upon recollecting the conversations of the night it was plain as day what I said and why I said it.

I have some healing to do. I made a new aquaintance named Jason. Upon our introduction...this is what I said...very matter of factly "Did you say your name is Jason?" ("yes") "Oh, I'm glad it's not Paul." ?!?! Seriously, tell me what you really think Kelly!

Thankfully he was humourous about it and just as quick as my thoughts escpaed my mouth we were on another topic.

That little occurance was eye opening. Writing the name is a stretch for me. It is admitting that he still exists somewhere within me. It's admitting that he held a place in my heart. And it's admitting that I still have some hurt going on, actually, maybe a bit more than a little. It's understanding what David Deida says about having a man-shaped void when we are no longer in relation to that person.

And to be quite honest, I'm OK about it. I can feel the depth of it yet it's a place that needs space to heal. It's a place that needs me to move forward with other adventures with new people and new love. It feels safe for me to leave it be and that is a good thing.

I know, the people in my life are on purpose for me, just as I am for them. It's a pleasant surprise when events transpire and bring people together in the most unexpected ways...


Friday, December 17, 2010

Dawn Treader

I'm switching up my content a bit here in that I'm going to talk about something other than yoga today. I'll give a quick recap of yesterdays practice though. It was boring. Or maybe I was boring. Or maybe I'm feeling boring right now. It's that nasty stuff that I'm sitting with right now. Another new instructor, I stood right up at the mirror and it was 'Hot Flow'...My mind was all over the place when we were in savasana and lying still and while in poses it was entirely focused on my screaming body. From my back to my knees and that tight spot in my left shoulder blade. I got up and left right after the session ended as opposed to laying there for 5-10mins and just relaxing. Two things popped into my head, I need a bit of a break from yoga (or at least this kind of yoga) or I need to figure out when the instructors I like are teaching. To be honest I think it's a bit of both.

But anyways, the other day I went and saw Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Here's the trailer

I had seen a preview for it somewhere...then passing by a bus stop this week I saw that beautiful lions head. It was as if Aslan himself was calling me to the movie. There is something majestic about that lion. Funnily enough, when I was in New Zealand we went to a park where they had lots of big cats and the lion that was used in the movie as well as to create Aslan (in the digital sense) lived there. His name was Zion. I just scoured my FB profile to find the picture I have of him and mysteriously the entire albumn has disappeared.
There were maybe 8 of us in the theatre (it was a noon show) so I scooted all the way to the top behind everyone else and enjoyed the show. I was in awe from the moment it started to the moment it ended. I only just made the connection between myself and my love for a good fantasy/fairytale story or movie. Knights, dragons, princesses, kings and queens. Talking lions and mice...or perhaps it's a ship with pirates or a tale of chivalry in ancient England. I love fantasy! It was a very little piece of the puzzle, but it explains so much about who I am, and what I'm drawn to writing, not to mention how it sounds in my head before it makes it to paper or the computer. Poetic at times, truthful and urgent at other times. Just like a good fantasy.
Beyond the fantasy land that I live in...and am creating daily :) there is such an underlying spiritual and universal message that runs through all these movies. There are two speeches in the movie that made my heart burst open, my body flood with goosebumps and a smile spread from ear to ear. Reepicheep is one wise mouse...
There are few movies that I bolt to the theatre to watch, this would be one of them. Like I said, that poster at the bus stop called me in. That majestic lion in all its glory with the blue background. By the way lions are a symbol of courage and strength, cunning power and pride. The lion is one of those animals that seems to have followed me throughout my life...I'm greatful for that.
As I walked to the bus stop on those Vancouver streets I seemed so out of place, as if I was in my own movie. Armed with my invisible sword, I knew I'd be alright. And then I realized I was in Vancouver...not Narnia. But in my life, in my world, it's all one in the same on some level...between my dreams and my reality, sometimes I wonder where one ends and the other begins.
Maybe one day I'll be in a bus stop and I'll be transported to another never know! I've been waiting for someone to master teleportation for years now... ;)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Learning from the Nasty Stuff

9 days of hot yoga...might seem like a little, might seem like a lot. It was niether for me, it just was... On day 10 it was very clear to me that my body was asking for a break. I 'thought' I might make a late class and still my body said 'Nope' and so I surrendered to that. I went and had tea, mailed some letters, went to Banyan books and read a book about yoga...

I was practicing in a different way. I was reading a book that looked at the mechanics of yoga, the anatomy of each pose and how the physics of it all worked to benefit the body. I was enthralled. I was learning yoga in a different way....a way I still understood. I was going back to my education in Kinesiology and remembering the functions and areas where muscles and ligaments insert and originate. And I was bringing another element of depth to my practice.

I went to bed happy, tired, but happy and yesterday when I woke up I knew I had a lot to do, but that I would make it to yoga. My body was saying yes. It was also saying, "It's not about making classes Kelly, it's about knowing that yoga is always with you and that physically practicing it is only one part of it. Your body is ready for it again, go when it feels right." And so I ended up back on my mat at the 8:15pm class and sensing that something different was about to happen. All my instructors had participated in the previous class which left me to wonder who was teaching mine.

And then I heard the voice, a MALE voice, welcoming me to practice. Immediately I felt like 'ugh, where are the girls?' and as he continued to talk for what seemed like forever (because I was resisting him being there) I could feel my frustrations rising and my distain for him being anywhere near the class. Talk about having a gift of Spiritual Challenge. He was himself and by being that he pushed my buttons, in a good way of course. Made me wonder if I have the same effect on people with my gift of Spiritual Challenge when I am in a leadership/teaching role. It took me a few poses to get over the fact he was challenging me by simply being himself and teaching how he was teaching but once I did and surrendered to his class oh boy did stuff start to come up.

One phrase that keeps repeating itself to me is "Open your heart". The instructors have been saying it in the poses and it's been a message for me for the last few months in regards to just being in general. Last night as I was shining my heart up to the ceiling it felt SO constricted, like my heart wanted to beat out of my chest, like my ribcage couldn't hold everything that was trying to break free and slowly, on the verge of tears, with the help of the guy (whose name I still don't know) and his instructions to soften our faces, maybe even smile, bring palms to heart centre in prayer and BREATHE I was able to let go of all that was coming up and allow it to move through me.

I ended my practice very greatful that he had taught it. I needed someone who cared enough to call out the bullshit I tell myself while we're in there...without even realizing it. I wonder if he intends to do that or if it just comes naturally to him. Kind of like me, stating the obvious which is not so obvious for everyone because of the stories we tell ourselves. Cut to the crap, get to the truth, be honest...something I think I've been neglecting to do for myself on the level on which I want to do it.

That takes practice and it takes courage, to sit in the truth of who you are, where you are and where you think you should be. It can be a nasty place. But all that nastiness is powerful. When I sit in it and with it and be it I recognize the untrue parts of who I am, the false personas living out, the ego calling for attention. Sometimes there's emotional release, other times it just fades into the days as they pass and on the other side of that nasty place is beauty, transformation, butterflies and sunshine. We all go there, to both's who we are when we are there that matters. That is what allows us to become who we want to become. It is what allows us the space to shine and be great. It's where we find our deepest power and strength.

Sit with the nasty stuff...for a little while. See what it can bring about for might just be surprised.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Yin and Yang

I would say that yoga in and of itself is a very Yin practice and within that there is a lot of Yang. I didn't realize this until I attended the 'Yin class' last night. It was a great practice of finding stillness amongst all sensations. My intention going in was 'forgiveness' mostly for myself.

We sat in poses, more like stretches for what seemed like an eternity in each one. Each stretch taking a part of me to total resistance, to peace, to new understanding of being safe in my body, safe in my world. The stretches focused on the hips, which is an area that takes on all sorts of emotions, so it was no surprise to me when my solar plexus starting talking to me last night before I went to bed. Emotions rising into the emotional centre....ya think there are some links here?! And I say that to make people aware that our bodies, our energies and their centres....ALL CONNECTED, all working together to help us heal and become conscious and aware again.

What that yin practice taught me was that I am safe, there is no need for me to hold on to the known or unknown, and when I let go I can find my peace, wherever I am.

Then this morning at 4:44am when I opened my eyes I thought it was just another one of those mornings. I acknowledged the sequence of numbers, said thank you for the sign and closed my eyes again...for all of 10mins before I realized, there was no going back to sleep. So I checked out the schedule for yoga, checked if there was a bus and dragged my ass to the 6:30am yoga session. The crazy part is that dragging my ass isn't entirely true. Yes I was tired and didn't really want to walk all the way to the bus stop, but that feeling like on Saturday about needing to be at the 2pm session was there again. I had to make the 6:30 session. So I went. Note to self- you know you're listening to your intuition when you get out of bed before 6 to catch a bus to yoga.

I'm glad I went. It was the yang to the yin. The perfect contrast between the two with all the Warrior poses and balance poses and flow sequences...ah yes and the sweat! It was also good for me to go because my practice was entirely different today than it had ever been. My body has adjusted itself and what used to be super easy has now become challenging. My body isn't flexing and stretching like it did last week. There are new limitations that I can feel in my hips. Neither good nor bad. I look at it as good because it means my body is healing something. And as stiff as I was I was greatful it was early because I really allowed myself to be where I was in that moment because I had nothing else to give. I was half asleep.

So my practice wasn't great in terms of what I know I am capble of, but it was great in terms of allowing myself to be where I am and to be happy with that. To know that I have room for improvement, that rest is essential and that being human means being dynamic, always changing is a priceless pearl. In its application I can see that I come across roadblocks because I am growing and expanding. I can stress out or I can just be and work through it or around it. Kind of like railways through mountains....ya think those might have been a bit of a roadblock for the construction of those rails? I'm sure at some point they were, but they relaxed and figure out how to go through them or around them. Or both!

The icing on the cake though was when I went to catch the bus and made my own day! Last night at the bus stop at W4th and Alma, the glass was all fogged up...and I was I wrote all sorts of uplifting comments and quotes. THEY WERE STILL THERE THIS MORNING! I got to walk out into the, now awake world, and see my happiness shared on the bus stop glass. I wonder if anyone else saw it? Who cares...I did and it made my day! I'd do it all over again if that's all it takes to make my morning bright! ;)

What lit up your day today?

Saturday, December 11, 2010


The definition of resolution is just about as simple as resolution itself... ie not so 'defined' as it has many contexts. See here...

Simple enough for me though, was to make that my intention on my mat today at another 'Flow' session. By simply opening to my 'situation' becoming resolved there was an even greater opening for me to release some unneeded energy. Esme took us through class today and before class, they usually read a quote for us to take into our practice with us if we wish. This is the first time for me, where we started practice with meditation before beginning and she read EXACTLY what I needed to hear to let go of some emotions.

Our Deepest Fear - Marianne Williamson

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I could feel the tears welling up, the lips beginning to pout and my chest and throat getting tight. 'Breathe Kelly, breathe.' I have heard that quote at least 30 times...even heard Marianne herself say it! And today, sitting in that hot room on my mat, my eyes closed, I heard it as if it was spoken JUST for me, as if my guides were screaming it in my ears. (They were!) I felt it.

It was an interesting practice. I fell out of poses left and right, sat out and rested, got put into new poses that contorted me like a pretzel and I had fun! Esme played music, which of course hit me in that soft spot a few times and brought more tears, but amidst the sweat, I couldn't differentiate between the two anymore!

My hips have been liberated to some degree. They don't feel quite so bound by all those muscles holding me together and my back is thanking me for listening to my body today and resting when I needed to and laughing when the core series became too ridiculous, but most of all my being and body is thanking me for trusting that it had to be the 2pm class so I could let go and bring about resolution to whatever is unresolved in my life.

At the end of class, sitting there in savasana, soaking in my sweat and all my efforts she repeated the Marianne Williamson quote (tears again) and played this...and I melted into a smile. Ray Lamontange... mmm. (I thought I might just attach the vid to the clip...make it easy:) ) There are few words that express how safe, loved and at home I felt in those moments.

It's all I needed to hear to know that everything is fine, everything is taken care of, I just need to relax and remember that I'm not alone, none of us are because whether we see it or not we are surrounded by love and that is all that matters.
I was sure to thank her for bringing that quote to practice today and she said it called out to her so strongly today and she knew she needed to share it. I called on her to speak another dimension of course. "It was because of me," I said "I needed to hear exactly that in that moment, thank you for trusting." So many them, they may just help to heal the person in the room with you :)

Friday, December 10, 2010

Day 56...I mean 5 and 6

I'm blaming the upcoming solstice and the planetary alignment on my body feeling as though everything is blending into one day, one practice, one huge desire to curl up and hibernate.

Yesterday I had a beautiful day. Had an energy treatment in the AM with Mary, then ate lunch and went to Starbucks to read and hang out for the afternoon before going to yoga. I went to the mall the other day to visit my friend Jessica and at Forever 21 (fav store ever in case you didn't already know that) I bought a beautiful little ring. Except that it's not little at all. The price was little, but
it's actually a big ring :) Anyhow, I wore that ring out to Starbucks. Most people by these kinds of things and wear them out to special, no I go to Starbucks! And ya know what, every day is a special occasion so why not! I felt absolutely Divine wearing this ring and drinking my mocha.
I journaled for a bit before I opened up to the rest of my book and all I could write about was how amazing I felt. How beautiful I felt even with my hair pulled back, no make up and my glasses in tights and a long sleeve shirt. I was really dressed down by most standards, with the exception of my boots, ring and scarf ;) and yet I felt absolutely brilliant! Why do I think this is? Well 1) I am 2) I've been taking care of ME and committing to love and better understand ME! It's great!
When it came time to go, I went a few stores down to Wind Mobile, my cell carrier and gave Caesar, the rock star sales associate I had a gift AND he told me about a new plan coming up that's the same price as my current one but with way more features! LOVE THIS GUY!
So needless to say I arrive to yoga on a high note and left on one too. Emma...let's call her Curly Locks is a bit like me. 'Deepen into your pose...or not, it's all up to you, this is your practice, this is your life, these are your choices.' I found myself chuckling a few times as I would follow her directive and then stop and ask myself, "Is this really where I want to go in this pose? No, ok, how about here? That's better."
I realized that I have hit a bit of a plateau with my yoga. The learning curve has steadied, my intentions have been to 'be here now' with whatever is going on and I'm coming to a place of deeper understanding of each pose and posture and my involvement with it. I'm also making a very conscious effort to let each pose go after it's completion like during Esmes class because it feels good to let each series go and leave it where it was.
For my 6th yoga class I decided I'd venture out before the afternoon and hit up an earlier class. As I checked the schedule to see what the noon class was I read 'Moksha Flow' and said to myself "F^&k, I don't wanna do that one!" And walked out the door to the bus stop. Lol. I spoke to Long Braids Big Smile before going into the session because I wanted to know some variations if we were going to be 'flowing' the entire session. So there I was, asking for help, becoming interdependent with my instructor and allowing myself to be vulnerable where I was and admitting to myself that it's OK to not be at the top of the class just yet! It was a good session. Far less difficult than I anticipated and to be honest, I actually liked a lot of it!
I still think Long Braids Big Smiles is crazy. But she smiles and totally beams when she talks about yoga...she has spirit and heart. I can't not love that!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

On the 4th Day of Yoga My True Love Sent To Me

Feeling free and clear,
Tree trunk thighs,
Self love on the mat,
And a practice that's made me smile! nickname...was beautiful and calm and peaceful and compassionate and I had a brilliant practice. I didn't have to 'bring' any Warrior for the day. It was a great reminder to live in my Wizard and only use the Warrior when it is required. And to be quite honest, there were times in my practice last night where a bit of Warrior was required and overall, it was the Wizard in me that intended to simply 'feel the flow' that got me through the practice.

I'm convinced that the heat was a few degrees cooler and she went easy on us, but that may be only because I've had Long Braids Big Smile pushing me for 2 days. Yesterday was the first day I felt like I left everything on the mat. All the crap from the day, from my previous practices, I just left it all there because that's where it belongs. There is no need for me to carry anything extra around...and that's a bit how I feel. Empty, in a good sense. I feel hollowed out, like the only energy I can feel in my body is this encasement. It's the coolest and most bizzarre feeling. I mean, I AM energy, we all are. We're made of matter, which is energy... but this is cool, this is different, this is liberating and expansive.

As tired as I am this morning, and for whatever reason, everyone of us in this house is extremely tired this morning, I am going to do my very best to make it to another class today.

I was hesitant to committ to going to do this daily because, in all honesty, I wasn't sure if I could do it EVERY day in the heat and I was concerned about being properly nourished and rested and I've realized that as long as I'm listening and heeding to the guidance I'm fine! My body is happy doing this, my mind has other opinions. I trust my body and it's needs. I trust that it wants a giant glass of OJ in the mornings and bananas instead of Rice Krispies or nice warm oatmeal and I trust that my body wants larger lunches and smaller dinners at the moment. I'm so happy that I'm doing this because I am learning about my body instead of running it on a schedule that fits in with work breaks or days off or 'snack times'. It's a wonderful thing to spend time with your body and to learn to listen to it, to learn to love it and to learn to tap into it's power and knowledge.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Bring Your Tuesday Warrior

I'm tempted to say that Rose (lets give her a nickname too...) Long Braids Big Smile, who is one of the yoga instructors, is a tyrant and has no mercy, which at times she doesn't, and at the same time that is totally a false statement because in reality, she cares. She cares that I am there, that the person next to me, behind me, in front of me is there. She cares that we have all come to that studio for our own reasons and she cares that we get what we are looking for.

Now based on the workout she's put me through the last two nights, I'd say she cares about me (and everyone else) finding strength and a serious challenge with our practice. She doesn't stop talking the entire session and she's always talking about feeling the burn, checking in with our bodies, 'what are they saying?' Everytime she asks that I want to scream, "IT'S SAYING TIME FOR A NEW POSE! INHALE AND RELEASE!!!"

Last night's session was the most difficult that I have experienced yet. Most of it was in my head. Some of it was in my body, but my head used that little bit of body chatter to try and take me out. And then came Little Braids Big Smile. "Bring your Tuesday Warrior, whatever that looks like and feels like to you. Just show up and BE that."

I looked at myself in the mirror, felt the ache, no longer just a burn, but the ache in both my legs and my arms and I let go and grabbed some water. I know in these poses, my lapses are only momentary. Fall down and get back up. For my KingDancer pose (lifting my foot behind me with my hand- I like it because it reminds me of figure skating) I had nothing. I more or less just stood there and stretched my quads. I looked in the mirror and said, "Why hello Tuesday Warrior, aren't you looking lovely." to myself with a hint of sarcasm and distain and a fleeting thought of self love from the previous practice. "Tuesday Warrior".

Then we got to the flow sequence, which until yesterday I had spent in child's pose mainly because going from upwarad to downward dog kills my back and then to do it in a sauna....cardio overload. But yesterday Long Braids Big Smile thought she would open up the door because "the flow sequence tends to spice things up a bit". (Can you see me rolling my eyes?!) The second I felt that cool breeze on my back I was in downward dog, then plank, then upward dog and back to downward dog. I did it! Sloppily, but I did it! I didn't complete the entire series, but 3 was plenty for me. My Tuesday Warrior was on her game, just not when I thought it was going to be!

It was a beautiful practice to allow myself to BE exactly where I was no matter how much I wanted to be elsewhere because when the time came, I was ready to do something new and dabble in yet another way to expand my ability to learn and grow and participate in life.

So BE that Warrior on whatever day of the week it is, or whatever hour of the day and allow that to be who you are for that time. When your Warrior isn't quite who you thought, or wanted it to be, love it anyway and honour that maybe it's a bit wounded, or dehydrated, or tired, or irritated and allow it the space to find itself once more. Allow that Warrior to rest and become the Wizard who can take on many forms and cares not what it looks like because it always looks 'perfect' for that moment and when the Warrior has rested enough it will return...and if not...well the Wizard is always great at making things happen in its own way so go with the flow.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Self Love in the Arms of Yoga?

I don't know that yoga has arms. I have arms, that I use to do yoga with... :) And for last night's yoga session I set an intention for 'self love' (after I reminded myself to SIMPLIFY my intention...)

Something about having really long intentions is a misfit for me. I like to be able to remember them quickly and accurately. They hold more power. So instead of "my intention is to release..., nope wait, I've been releasing a lot lately, let's bring something in. My intention is to bring in, no, open to more experiences, no STOP! Keep it simple. OK self love. My intention is to have self love." And then I was able to let my mind attach things to it. Self love in my yoga practice tonight, in every pose, in my communications with others, in my eating choices, in my lifestyle choices. I will bring and be self love.

During my practice I caught myself pushing myself, and saying, you can push just a little further, straighten those legs just a little self love. Love where you are. Smile for God's sake! :) and so I did and it was one of the most beautiful practices. There were lots of times I didn't love myself, one time I almost even cried because I just wanted to be able to go that little bit deeper into the pose. And that sounds silly, but I can go into this particular stretch anytime and any place and have the same feeling. There is energy attached to that muscle group that dates back to days I obviously don't remember and it is reminiscent of anger and rage and lots of sadness. I WANT to go there, to see what's there and to allow it to recieve my breath and heal itself, and it's just not happening quite yet.

Perhaps I will change that story and I've been there or have planned a trip there, it is actually already healed, I already know what's there and simply need a reminder.

But back to self love. A lovely gentleman who I will name 'Man with Pink Polished Toes' was talking about electrolytes and how awesome he felt when he put them in his water. And my thoughts went back to one particular person at camp who always said, "Um.. if people are eating properly like normal people, there should be no need to give anyone electrolytes." Which then triggered the thoughts of "What exactly did I eat today? Am I eating properly?" And if I'm being totally honest with myself, my diet has sucked lately. Not that I'm eating a tonne of junk, but that I'm just not eating much and when I do I'm lazy about what I make. So 'Man with Pink Polished Toes', thank you for the reminder to be more mindful of my eating habits and to nourish my body with both what it needs and what it wants :) Ice cream.....and Christmas cookies.....

For dessert of course...

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Crash Course in Kelly

This past weekend I was working in Toronto in my new position on the Excel Team with Peak Potentials. This position came about in the perfect manner for me...slowly, with appeal and lots of honesty. I will say I did have to practice a hell of a lot of patience with the confirmation of things, which to my surprise came fairly easily, once I caught myself creating my own dramas.

I was pretty nervous to be working the event as it was my first time ever being trained specifically as a Sales Manager (I'm not even sure that's the term we Anyhow, my point is that this position would never have even been within the scope of my radar two years ago because my radar was trained only to look for jobs in the fields I thought were a fit for me. Regardless of that, between then and now I obviously opened my eyes to new opportunities and brought my vibration in alignment more with who I am and what I am meant to be doing here.

It was an interesting weekend for me as I transitioned from Karma Krew to Excel Team. As Karma Krew, I became highly attuned to the logistical side of events; all the little details of whens, wheres and how of things that needed to be done. As Excel Team I had to entirely detach from that process and focus on learning my new role. After set-up day I was burnt out and I attribute most of that to my resistance towards the transition between the two and constantly having to tell myself "That is not my job today."

To some that may seem irresponsible, but look at it this way. We all work together as a team and when there are things that need to be taken care of, the proper people are notified and they are taken care of. How am I serving myself and others if I am constantly doing their job and neglecting my own? Good question to ask yourelf as well....cuz I know this happens outside of my experience as well. It's one thing to tell someone they're about to get hit by the bus if they don't move, and an entirely different thing if you say nothing and throw them under it...

After a night's sleep (not particularly good. lol) we showed up for the event. The second I got there and saw everything about to begin, I was home. I knew what to do, who to be and what I wanted to see. Talk about confirmation of being on purpose. I still had a lot of learning to do because I was coming from an entirely new perspective and I feel that by the last day I was the most comfortable with myself and my new position. I felt it took far longer for ME to appear in the midst of all the new information being downloaded into my being and yet somewhere in it all, I was still there, the participants still saw me and I was able to shine like the star that I am...with training I know the skills will come more naturally and my authentic self will take over and I look forward to that day when it all just happens naturally, all the time.

Perhaps I can change that story now. It's always natural and authentic and the skills blend easily into my being. The benefits of everything being energy and everything being connected. Everything already is as we see it...

Saturday, December 4, 2010

A Little Yoga Never Hurt

Funny I make that the title of this blog, because that's exactly how I hurt myself in the first place. Doing yoga in my living room I pulled my back and for the last four years on and off I've been dealing with some variation and intensity of it's occurrance.

In the beginning it hurt like hell, riding in cars was unbearable. In fact, the only thing that seemed to dull the pain, was ironicallly yoga or bouts of dancing and some beers. At some point the pain just became a part of daily life. In Australia, I hardly noticed it, whether or not that's because it was or was not there I'm not entirely sure. When I started doing courses with Peak Potentials, there was a good 7 months where it was almost entirely gone (haha, a time when I was doing yoga often), it was as if I was 10 again, climbing trees, jumping around and doing crazy stuff and then it came back like a tonne of bricks when I started working at the Chiropractic clinic. Same time I also did Enlightened Warrior and Ultimate Leadership. I can sit here and try and tie them all together and figure out exactly what I was feeling, or being 'out of alignment' with, but the 'bottom line' was that there was something going on I wasn't dealing with. Or at least that's what I decided to believe. That was the last time I did yoga...fall 2008.

Making that decision to start listening to my body signals began a serious period of introspection and lots and lots of processing, clearing and intending, not to mention healing. But when I decided to come out to Vancouver in February my intention was to heal, write and get re-focused. What I thought healing was and what I actually got were two entirely different things! I envisioned myself going to Bikram's Yoga for an entire month and devoting my time to reuniting with my body. Ya, that was the last thing I did over this last year....until now.

Yesterday I did it. I bought a one month pass to a hot yoga studio with the intention of using this month of December to do that healing I had evisioned at the start of the year. As I laid on the mat before the session started, feeling the heat in more than the physical sense, I heard that voice, "Are you sure?" I started the session and about 4 poses in when my thighs were burning and shaking and we had to squat down for another pose, "What did you get yourself into...and PS. YOU ARE OUT OF SHAPE MISSY!"

Then of course I'm irritated because my towel is just a tad too long for my stance so I've got to adjust it everytime we switch poses cuz I'm sliding everywhere. And then the serious sweat comes on. Thankfully I wasn't as sweaty as the man infront of me, who had a puddle surrounding his entire mat. And as much as I enjoy looking at the masculine physique (and I do enjoy that and his was nice) he was wearing his underwear, briefs no less, and he was dripping from EVERY possible part of his body! {Learn to love everyone and everything Kelly...even briefs...let it go...:) }

Finally we get to the sitting poses where a) I don't have to look at dripping man anymore, b) I get to SIT! c) I get to stretch, which was what I was craving, and I think my body too...

Of course I felt amazing can't you when you end in savasana and just lay there, eyes closed and feeling the world around you instead of the chaos in my mind.

When I woke up this morning all I could feel was my butt muscles moaning in stiffness and that voice, "You sure you wanna do this again today? That's just punishment." And perhaps it is, but based on all the stuff that keeps coming up for me today as a result, I'm obviously clearing and sweating out something more than my weight in water.

Looking forward to this journey...and all it reveals and how damn good I'm gonna feel. YUM!

Friday, December 3, 2010


... the difference between the initial position of something (as a body or geometric figure) and any later position (Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary)

This word keeps popping into my head as I sit here feeling slightly lost. I know where I am. I'm in Vancouver and yet I somehow feel strangely disconnected from this life I have out here. Perhaps it was all the great reconnecting that occurred when I was back home in Ontario. And perhaps I am simply entering another cycle or phase in my life.

When I flew back out here it was an odd sensation of knowing that Vancouver was a city that I was no longer holding onto. I like being here and it certainly has been an amazing experience yet I'm not scared to leave it any more. I'm not attached to staying here anymore. I know I can always and will always return. So while that is brewing within me there is this growing sensation of displacement.

When I went for a walk today I spoke out loud, "I don't belong here...then where do I belong?" And as I refer to it now, I can see that it has less to do with my geographical locale and more to do with my energy and my state of being. I'm not sure what about it is off, but I feel like I'm back in high school again. Simply going through the motions of life, with a sense of purpose and knowing that I am in the right place, but without understanding why.

That was highschool. I did what I needed to do and then got the hell out of there. Mind you, at that point in my life 9 years ago (again with the cycles) I was running towards my freedom without even the slightest clue of what tied me down. This is quite fascinating for me to sit with all of this and let it integrate and release and still move forward. And this concept of cycles that I have been opened to in the past, is hitting me directly in the forehead right now and because of my age then and now, I have a clear recollection of what I was going through then and what I am going through now.

Drawing parallels is a cool thing to do. Sometimes they are my own hallucinations and other times they make total sense and resonate highly with where I am. Doesn't mean I still don't feel what I'm feeling or that I'm destined to feel that way every nine years, simply means I'm entering someplace new on a new wave length, with greater consciousness and FAR deeper understanding of who I am and my own truths.

Displacement- the difference between the initial position of something and any later position...hmm.

Friday, November 19, 2010

This Magic Moment

For the last few months living with Mary and not 'mary-jane' Mary and Jane (lol) I have been a bit of a willing guinea pig for the two of them on their journey to becoming Bio Energy Practitioners. Being the magician that I am, I have manifested energy treatments nearly daily, at the very least weeklly and I've been loving it. Not only do they get to practice, but I get to have my energy moved, removed and revitalized! I have an entirely different understanding of my body and it's functions as a result of this process.

I don't have any physical ailments that I am aware of other than my back, which has been a bit of a mystery. It's good, then not so good. So I jut remained open, usually sensing into my body and letting them know where I felt stuck or heavy or just yucky. And Bio Energy focuses on the chakras, our body's energy centres. There are seven of them each represented by a different colour and each takes on areas of our body as well as our life. So for me I began with clearing a lot of emotional energy and now it's really sort of become 'past' memory energy that has lodged in my energy whether from my past in my current life or in past lives. My sense is that most of it is rooted in my past lives because I've been getting visions and emotions that have been coming up that are completely unrelated to anything that has gone on in this lifetime.

Yesterday my treatment was about letting go. That was my intention, just to let go of everything that was stuck and midway through the process I started laughing, nearly hysterically. Anyone who knows me, knows this isn't entirely out of the ordinary, but for me it was even a bit odd. I just took it as a new way to release energy I didn't know what to do with. Kind of like the nervous laugh some of us get when we feel awkward or embarassed.

So anyways, in today session all I had to do was think the words 'letting go' and I busted out in laughter. Tonight as I was walking home I had a bit of an epiphany about this nasty fear of being left completely alone by everyone I know to fend for myself and just as I was about to start analyzing it, it became very quiet. I watched a girl cross her bike across the road and while she was waiting for the 'walk' sign to pop up she began singing. It was like angels! She hopped on her bike and rode past me still singing the melody and I was absolutely in awe. It was as if time stopped, which of course it did, and whatever I was about to analyze just disappeared. I looked for the anguish to come up again and all I got was laughter. I laughed for about a block before I quieted down and kept walking.

I will take the laughter over tears any day, I will release with joy instead of sadness anyday and I will gladly 'let go' of everything with a laugh if that's all it's going to take. And this totally fits into my paradigm of disease meaing that my body is at dis-ease with itself and that physical ailments are an accumulation of built up and stuck emotional, psychological and spiritual energy. Thinking about medicine these days floors me. Where most people would use alternative therapies as a last resort, I'd do the opposite...unless of course it was an emergency. My life and my body is too valuable to me to have all those chemical combos injected and ingested.

I'm always open to new types of experiences and for a long time I just really liked how relaxed I was able to get while receiving the treatment, and of course, it was doing a good job of helping me to clear some things. Now though, I see that moving all this energy, detoxing my energy centres to increase their function and allowing myself to experience myself letting go with the assistance of someone who has some's pretty priceless if you ask me. No needles, no probes or machines, just energy, just two people, just love and light. It's simple...

And I quite like when they come back from their monthly workshops because they always have these new techniques that are more intense and more effective. It's like this process unfolding before me and their skills becoming more honed and precise. It's a beautiful thing!

Thursday, November 18, 2010

The Messenger

I have always been a vessel for truth. I have not always known this; in fact I thought I was the opposite in a sense of trying to sugar coat things to make them sound and look like something better or less abrasive. But the truth is, I deliver messages in a very straight forward way. Sometimes without a filter and other times with love and careful consideration. I love delivering messages. It makes me happy.

Do what makes you happy seems easy enough and it is. It's when doing what makes you happy becomes a constant stream of messages that it becomes a bit of a challenge. The challenge for me is that I see things and feel things that I have difficultly experiencing and want to share even though it's not wanting to be heard.

I'll give you an example. Riding the bus home tonight three people in their early 20s were sitting next to each other, not friends at all. I looked over at them; one girl in between the two guys and instantly I saw them as brothers and sisters. She was the youngest and they always protected her. I just smiled. THAT I can handle.

Another incident haning out with a friend I began to see visions of him in uniform, recognizing his soul as a soul I have encountered before in other lifetimes, sometimes romantically, most times as great friends, but regardless of the previous relationships there is a serious energetic connection, if not attachment. It's that heart pull, that expansion of wanting to just hug them and hold them and say 'Oh my gosh, we found each other again!' that has me troubled. Thankfully he has a belief in past lives so at least I could nod and smile when he was telling me some stuff, but it was really difficult for me to feel all the emotions inside, knowing they were mine to experience. It has been difficult for me to just 'be' in those moments and take them deeper into love instead of blurting them out and running from them.

I'm watching what makes me stronger in my life and it's never the wild abandon of expressing everything that comes to mind, it's the 'sitting in the middle of it all' and harnessing the power of chaos and grounding it within me, the deep breathing that helps me to take the next step and the next after that.
It's recognizing the power of that chaos and transmuting it into my own power to create and manifest life as I see and desire it.

It's not about breathing through things anymore, it's about breathing it all in and through alchemy making it a part of my process and then turning it out as gold when the time is right. This alone takes strength and a belief in one's own power over their path.

Having realized all of this, perhaps it might be a bit easier to sit in those moments as I now understand that owning all that love from previous lives and owning all that gratitude for the reconnection is a part of living into my own power, my own truth and my own purpose. It's another confirmation that, yes indeed there is something greater going on.

Monday, November 15, 2010

When Seeds Become Plants

It usually starts with a dream or a day dream, or an absolutely directly inspired thought. My journey began tripping over a book that would forever shift my entire life.

I had never been one for self-help books, but when I was looking for work/money and kicked Secrets of the Millionaire Mind across the floor of my dad's apartment something inside of me lit up. (Ya, that's right Harv, I kicked your As I ate up every word I vividly remember repeating the phrase, "This makes SO much sense!" over and over and over. And then I finished it and read it again.

The first course I went to, with MAJOR resistance, was dry wood on that fire inside (and it wasn't the typical entry course). I knew that I knew that I knew I would in some way, shape or form work with this company. And so the seed was planted. I never even thought I was good enough to work for the company, but I trusted that feeling and thought from deep within and as I progressed through program after program, then volunteering for course after camp (YAY CAMP!) that feeling that I knew that I knew that I knew began to creep back up. Even when I was sure that I was sure that I was sure that I was done with attending and volunteering, that part that knew that I knew kept coming back firm and always with love.

Now that seed that was planted two years ago has finally began to sprout! It's budding and I'm being shown patience at its best and focus at its finest. I know that I know that I know I am in EXACTLY the right position within this company because it is exactly taking form of the seed I planted and have been watering, wondering when it would sprout.

To top it off it's perfectly in line with my mission of empowering people to remember and live thier truth. I have yet to discover any company that fast tracks people into authenticity of being as the one I work for now. And it's two fold. Not only do I get to help the company grow and expand, but I also get to do the work I want to do so I can grow! I get to manage people, and empower them and create community and love and put people into transformational programs so they can shift the world.

I'm asking you to check out the Millionaire Mind Intensive. I've asked some of you to check it out before and I'm asking you to check it out again. Both you and the program have changed. You are no longer the same person I spoke to the last time. You've grown, you've shifted, you've opened up to new and exciting ideas. The program has evolved. Being a millionaire today doesn't have the same energy it did one or two years ago. In today's economy, nothing around money does, except that we still need it! Financial Freedom on the other hand; THAT is a practical and sought after personal situation that is easily achievable when given the right tools.

The new program features two days of reviewing and revamping that financial blueprint you are currently living in and the third day is all about focusing on your financial freedom and whatever that looks like to you!

Apparently this program isn't for everyone. Apparently there are people out there who are so happy with their current financial situation they'd prefer to sit at home while the rest of us learn about ways to maximize what we have so we can minimize our dependency on it which in turn maximizes our ability to actually live life fully.

This program for me has been about liberating myself from my own bad habits and conditioning so I can build a foundation with practical, not trendy, practical tools so I can live the life I want to live.

If it's for you...awesome I'll see you there. If it's not for you, that's awesome too. All I ask is that you ask yourself if you are truly, deep down, fulfilled, not just happy, but fulfilled with the life you are living; or do you find yourself wondering, 'There's gotta be something more...'

Millionaire Mind and Financial Freedom Intensive

Are your seeds sprouting?

~If you have any questions drop me a line.

The Closest Thing to Right

The closest thing to right
Was when I held your hand
Sometimes loose, sometimes tight
You were indeed a man.

The closest thing to right
Your presence piercing mine
You held me through the night
I opened to unwind

The closest thing to right
The words you spoke so clear
My chest, my face held tight
A stream of flowing tears

The closest thing to right
The furthest thing from wrong
We walked away with light
Each with our own song

The closest thing to right
Was standing next to you
Intending with my might
That you'd intend it too

The closest thing to right
It seems has flown away
I want so bad to fight
For just another day

With the closest thing to right
But it won't pick up its phone
It won't reply to emails
It's in the twilight zone

The closest thing to right
I have met my match so far
I've given up the fight
I'll love my battle scar

For the closest thing to right
It seems it may be wrong
Or the timing, it just might
Play out to be too long

The closest thing to right
I'm ready to part ways
The hope, it will shine bright
Upon the coming days

The closest thing to right
From you it is hard to walk
I want to stay and fight
But I've stopped trying to talk

The closest thing to right
I thank you for your time,
Your kiss, your touch, your loving heart
And mostly your calm eyes.

The closest thing to right
For if you did not know
Your soul and mine connected
Many moments lost in flow

Without your heart and soul you see
We never would have met
I would have stopped and looked at you
And well...that's probably it.

I feel you in the night time
The day time you're there too
I love the loving energy
You keep on passing through

If I'm smart I'd turn the sound off
To your caring coaxing voice
But then you just get louder
It seems I have no choice

But to listen to your guidance
Whatever it may be
And maybe one day shortly
Free of you I'll be

It will make my heart seem empty
To have lost a loving friend
And somehow I see it happy
And open to love again.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

What Dreams May Come

Have you ever had one of those dreams where you wake up and you're still not quite out of it? You're still sort of feeling the emotions of it even though you know it's only a dream?

Well if not then you're gonna hear about it anyways! :)

My dream the other night was quite wild. Normally I wouldn't feel compelled to share my dreams to everyone, but when I woke up I immediately felt that it needed to be shared. Perhaps it was the fact that John Lennon was in my dream (! YES !) or maybe because I woke up with the emotions from the me in my dream. I do know though, that my dream is a message I need help decoding or whatever. Or I could give it a title, like John Kehoe says to do in Mind Power, in which case it would be, "Holy Shit I Dated John Lennon"

To my recollection, it begins with me in a retail store, a wall of shoes that I keep fixing and organizing, heels, glittery, flats and flip flops. Then I see myself walking towards the cash and reading my own mind of "I'm so done here." So I turn around, walk past all the shoes and I enter this display area of sorts and I'm looking at a giant (the largest) Apple desktop with a collage of photos on it. Not photos of me, photos of my ex-boyfriends in their youth, with their friends, at parties, etc. One in particular, and even writing about it, I'm feeling it in my heart, a sadness. I move on from there and see pictures of my family, of my family at our cottage, just as they are on our cottage wall and then I'm suddenly in a record/bookstore of sorts. Wood panelling, musty and in a corner FILLED with Beatles pictures (which makes me happy!) and I'm IN the photos. My 'now' mind loves this, I'm hanging with the Beatles. And as I move on from those photos I see a young guy looking identical to John Lennon before he died (long hair, round sun glasses). He walks past me and smiles and as I pass him, I knock over all the books on the table behind me. And of course my alarm goes off.

And then, of course, today in Starbucks, I'm flipping through thier little collection of CDs which is usally all the same, but there was a John Lennon tribute CD in there. So as of late, I'm being inudated with John Lennon; Shane Koyczan's This Is My Voice Speech.

'Imagine if we could still hear John Lennon play!'
Maybe I did date John Lennon in a previous life when I wasn't Kelly and he wasn't John, but then again we've always been Kelly and John because the reality is that in dreams, just as in life, it's all happening now; the past, the present and the future. Our perceptions of limits of time and space keep us grounded here on earth, but what really counts is that we understand that we are earth, that dreams really can come true or already have, in which case I'm really starting to get curious about that post board with
As 'time' passes by
and I sit with my wine
My mind gets so quiet
It's no longer a riot
And John Lennon or not
I'm always this hot
With the words on my mind
They unravel from bind
Into dreams made real
Into words that heal
The heart and the soul
We can never grow old
And with a nod and a smile
I walk down the aisle
To a warm comfy bed
For the night, I rest my head.

Friday, November 12, 2010

Surely to God...or is it Shirley to God?

After Mary nearly coughed up a lung (which has been waiting to be dislodged for nearly a month), I said to her, "You're spending two days in a healing environment surely to God someone can help you out!" To which she replied, "SURELY TO GOD". And a thought hit me, 'Where on earth did that saying come from.' Perhaps it was a Shirley talking to God!

Like a transmission over a radio....'Shirley to God...are you there?' Really, it's not so far fetched...and then again it is quite out there. But since saying that I'm not unconvinced that it's such a wacky idea to implement. 'Kelly to God...are you there?' If Elizabeth Gilbert can write a best selling novel turned movie that has those exact lines in it, there must be something to it!

I anticipated that this post might be funny and light hearted, and here I go again delving into the depth of an apparently superficial comment that SO many people make on a daily basis. Surely to God is right! And really, what on earth does that mean? I know it implies that surely, by God, it must be possible, available, doable... but I'm liking my new interpretations. If Shirley's gonna communicate with God, then surely to God I will too! :)

I mean...I communicate with God all the time anyways. We're pretty tight. Without going into crazy detail and my spiritual beliefs, which I believe many of you understand anyways, I'd say we've got a damn good relationship kickin' these days. And I always joke about me and J.C. being tight, but it's really not a joke, we are tight! I mean if we're conscious and coming from love, essentially we're all following his path in one form or another. I really don't get why people see him as SO different than us. He WAS human after all! He possessed the powers that we all possess and so regularly supress. He was enlightened, he was clear...he was a carpenter.

Anyhow, Shirley to God over and out.

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Clothing Crisis Understood

The other night before I headed out I was having one of those moments where I put on clothes, take off clothes, put on something different and try something different to dress it up or down or sideways.... I had no frickin' clue what to wear. I tried to think back of the first outfit that popped into my head to wear and I couldn't. Usually that's the one I end up wearing out. Trust my intuition.

So I ended up just going casual, which for some people is like bumming around. Jeans, a plaid shirt and my Converse. I was comfy. My other option was jeans, a nice black top and heels. Not so 'comfy' per se, but definitely looking good.

So in the process of doing this I realized I had this dilemma of sorts. I was fighting between these two 'looks' and wondering which was better, worse, cute, sexy, over done, under dressed and as I sat on the bus to the east side I got it. It's not an issue I have, but it is something I am working on. I like to look put together. I like to wear heels, on occassion. And when I do I feel a bit sassy, a bit sexier and a bit more powerful. And THAT, that powerful, is what I am struggling with. I want my inner strength and power to be visible regardless of what I am wearing and I want to feel it regardless of the kind of shoes I'm wearing. And I DO. My concern, which is totally BS is that others won't. My concern is that others will judge based on what I'm wearing. And to a certain degree I feel this is something I'm shifting in the world. Because I'm very curious, regardless of what people wear, I want to know who they are and what they do. Granted, I do make assumptions and then often I am pleasantly surprised when they are proven wrong!

So I suppose, which I have from the beginning, that it really doesn't matter what I wear because if people are shallow enough to make assumptions based on the outside without asking questions about what's on the inside then those aren't the people I want in my life anyways.

This also goes the opposite way. I have many people in my life who are highly influential and in their time in order to be taken seriously you had to look a part and behave a certain way (well sorry to tell you this, but the new children of the world - my generation and younger - we think that's a load of crap) and to a degree that still applies. And yet when I am playing the opposite role of being the powerful woman in my heels and nice black top, people are often surprised if not relieved that at the end of the day I can thrown on my flip flops and some yoga pants and do whatever.

So why is it that our society, over time, has made our outer appearance the indicator of who we are. Why do we need to look 'put together' if that's not who we are. Why do we take jobs that have dress codes...It's a part of understanding who we are and who we are not. Everything in our lives is an opportunity for us to ask ourself - Does this allow me to express who I am within? Does this hinder any and all processes of expressing who I am? Sometimes even in a monkey suit, actually especially in a monkey suit, we are able to express everything that is within because it doesn't matter what we wear, it matters who we are.

I vote that the entire world and work place takes a shift and dresses from casual to business casual on a regular basis at the workplace. Let's all just relax a little! Life is good :)

Sunday, November 7, 2010

A Little Birdie Showed Me :)

I have always been fascinated by nature and more so now because there is so much we can learn from it. Nature has been speaking to me through birds lately.

Last week, it was the beautiful humming bird that hovered in the window for like almost 30 seconds, then it was four eagles in the sky that afternoon, then "a little birdie told me" daily inspirations from The Brave Girls Club and then photos of them EVERYWHERE! Plus the little statue at the ceramics shop today.

So as I was walking home from the bus this afternoon, this little chickadee flies out in front of me on the side walk. I slowed my pace a bit because I knew it was something for me to learn. It hopped along for about five hops and then it flew...a little to the left, off the path, and then back onto the sidewalk for a few more hops, then flew. This repeated for a good 50 mertres until a bike drove by.

As I caught onto the pattern it was showing me a thought came to me. 'Take some steps and then take a leap, take some steps, and take a leap and fly.' And this made total sense for my life at this moment. I've been taking steps and then something comes up that requires me to leap into the unknown. I land there, take some more steps in the direction I'm headed and then take another leap.

When I understood this, I understood the timing of the Universe and my part-time job at the restaurant. I had taken the steps and now it was time to take the leap into the unknown, which for me was to walk away from that job in a respectful manner with my connections still in tact, understanding that something more in alignment with who I am is on the horizon.

As I write that, I'm reminded that yesterday I put out on my FaceBook status that I was stretching myself. I'm opening to more expressions of my intuitive abilities, which is a giant leap for me only because it is taking on some sort of structure in my life and it feels liek it could be home for a while. Until the next leap arrives.

I was reminded today that everything in spirit, more likely than not, comes to us as symbols. Birds...there are messages coming. (Well they can mean anything they want really, but typically it is messages) The bigger the bird the bigger the message. The more birds there are, the more messages there are! This explains EVERYTHING that has been going on for me lately! I am so greatful I am listening!

What is showing up for you lately?

Saturday, November 6, 2010

You Think You Run My Show?

This post could go anywhere so I'm going to let it take us there...

Perhaps I arrived over confident,
Or perhaps you saw a chance,
A chance to make and mold me,
A puppet to do your dance.

I followed your lead with pleasure,
An observer to say the least,
And then the truth comes falling,
At last up on my feet.

My intuition valid,
Which matters not to me,
For in my communication,
I spoke who I wanted to be.

But the skills,
You do not have them,
"Um, did you read my resume Sir?
For in there you'll see
That skills are indeed
Why won't you put me to work?"

You have to be perfect,
You've been out for five years.

"Ya, and what's your point?"

In my head I was screaming,
Just let me get out
And blow this popsicle joint!

"I'm sorry I argued, but let me be clear,
There was no mention of specifics to work here.
Had I known from the start,
I'd be playing that part,
I'd have walked right on by without fear."

And now it shines clearly,
My light through the haze,
A position I've taken
To pass through the days.
And then what awaits me
Tonight as I leave
We'll put you to work,
Can you do it with ease?

In my head starts the screaming
You asshole you prick
If I were a psycho
I'd carry a stick!

A day ago you told me
I did not have the skills
And NOW you think I'm ready????
Are you on pills?!

There's no way I'm going out there
To partake in your little quiz
I'm happy to be an observer
I've caught on to your little biz.

Earn my trust?
Try me.
I'm a hard one to please
Especially when you talk to me
With such little integrity.

I'm still remaining open
To what is to unfold.
I know my future is solid
Where yours is still untold.

You think you run my show now?
Well I beg you to think again.
This brave girl here, there's no stopping.
If you earn her trust, you're in.

And perhaps you want to continue,
To play this little game.
Unfortunate for you your style
Of playing games is lame.

I see right through your story,
Your fake and phony laughs,
Try to be authentic.
Perhaps then you'd change your staff. I'm a little more than frustrated with my part time job. :)

Friday, November 5, 2010

It's Been Renamed 'The Past'

Some people have come into my life for... 'a reason, a season, a lifetime'. And I am very familiar with this saying and I do believe in it's validity for I've experienced it.

I have, at times, become confused with whether some people were to be around for reasons, or seasons; seasons or lifetimes and it really matters very little. I learned a brilliant lesson from a tree today. As I leaned up against its trunk, I felt the need to put my arms out to my sides, slightly bent, like branches with my palms facing up. In my head I heard "You are always open to receiving. When you receive something that serves you, absorb it, allow it to become a part of you and help you grow. When it doesn't serve you, turn your palm over and say 'goodbye' with a smile and allow whatever is next for you to enter your palm."

Someone who entered my life a while ago I decided to rename "The Past" and when I looked at that name instead of their name it became crystal clear in my mind, what was clear in my heart all along. "Why are you holding onto the past? Time to let them go." And with the click of a mouse, 'goodbye'.

To some that may seem calous and rude, and that's fine. I honour that you would choose otherwise. With others I have chosen otherwise. I still love them unconditonally and they will always be a part of my journey. Perhaps they will re-enter my life again for another reason or season and that would be wonderful to see how far we've come. Until then...I let go and make room for more life, my love and more joy.

Keep creating. :)

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Brave Girls Club

This brave girl...

Women in suits,
Or teens with rubber boots.
Cut and styled hair,
Or frilly pink underwear.

A world with change opens up doors,
A world of change often opens old sores.
A brave girl knows that with change; go with the flow.
A brave girl knows that no matter what, she must go.

She follows her heart.
She knows that she's smart.
She trusts her own kind.
She uses her mind.

Her love is so big.
There's no need to dig
Up the roots that she's grown,
The seeds she has sewn.

A new world she shines,
Amidst old thoughts and minds.
An era of power
With the strength of a tower.

A brave girl she stands
Always holding hands,
With her sisters so near,
And brothers so dear.

This brave girl,
She knows
How it usually goes.
And still she arrives
Changing all lives.

A brave girl she stands,

With outreached hands.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Serving Purpose

On a most brilliant day of miracles last week, I was pulled into a bookstore and led straight into a smiley and warm hearted fellow I'll call T.J. He looked at me and asked me what I thought a 'meem' was. My answer was Beaker from the Muppets. Although amused, he continued on about his friend the physicist or astrophysicist or chemist... an 'ist' of some sort who discovered that meems are the eggs in the collective conscious that create our thoughts and ideas...or something to that effect. Aside from meems we got on the topic of being inutitive, watching the movie 'Hereafter' and jobs/creating opportunities for me to make money.

He made a comment in passing; in relation to what I am not sure. "So what if my parents abused me, that was the only way they knew how to cope with their lives and I was able to be there for them without judgement to heal." And then he continued on about some other person he knew in Ireland with goats... I have an entirely new perspective on the roles we play, on why and where we show up and with whom as well as why and where others show up for us.

I know this might ruffle some if not a lot of feathers. It is a hot topic and has been for a long time whether it's abuse towards people or towards substance. I in no way advocate for these sorts of human acts. I do believe however, that we choose the life experiences we want to have. I never quite understood why people would choose to be abused, but this sheds a new light on the entire concept. And in a greater sense of reality we all did choose to be abused in this life because we do it to ourself all the time, or have done it to ourselves at one point in time. The only difference is that it's between ourself instead of ourself and someone or something else.

So follow me on this one for a minute. You have two people. Say Dad is an abuser and son is the abused. Those two souls have contracted and chosen to be together in this lifetime. That son is continually showing up for his father physically in the act of abuse, but what if on a spiritual level, he is showing up continuously for his father each time to provide yet another opportunity for him to choose differently? For him to stop and understand his abuse is hurtful, not to metion, in some cases illegal. Think of the souls here, not the physical people. That child's soul was contracted to help his father's soul through this process. And vice versa. The dad doing the abusing is continually showing up and beating the boy to encourage (on an subconscious level) that boy to find his inner power, his strength and his voice to walk away and choose a better life and know he deserves the best. Do not attach faces to these's all an illusion anyway, another way to gain experience in physical bodies. a physcial, emotional, psychological sense, in our world, this scenario plays out as perpetrator and victim and that child feels forever abused and angry and resentful and the dad guilty and ashamed. But here's the thing. If that boy found his power, his strength and his voice and chose another life, he succeeded! His soul recognized truth and transformed regardless of how it happened; he progressed. Now if the father saw the opportunities to change and took them and made changes in his life then both were success stories! BUT, if in the course of this contract the boy walked away and was unable to show his father the opportunities to change, it's not his fault, he was contracted to be a part of that process only for so long, he fulfilled his contract and moved on...the soul has no worries, there is no burden to carry, it was never his job to heal him fully, only to be a way shower. And vice versa, the father changed, but the kid never recognized his truth and went on to be abused in every other area of his life, then that wasn't for his father to teach him, he needed to find his strength and voice and power elsewhere and his soul knows this! (Which is why he never changed while with his father)

In every situation the abused is the abuser and the abuser is the abused, the enabler is the enabled and vice versa because both roles reciprocate each other, they serve purpose until purpose is no longer there to serve.

There is a deeper layer to unconditional everything. Do we choose to understand it and use this knowledge to help others or are we content to continually lay blame to the enablers of our world who keep showing up to simply create some peace within the abusers through their release so that perhaps a moment of clarity can emerge? Are we content to continually allow the abused to feel a victim to someone elses sicknesses...our world's sicknesses? Or are we ready to start empowering everyone to find the truth of their situations...regardless of how nasty they may seem in our physical world. If we have chosen to be a part of it we certainly can choose to not be a part of it. The process of liberation may not be simple or quick, but making the choice certainly is.

Just a thought...if we continue to see the labels we put on people that is all they will ever be to us. Perhaps we could see the deeper part of everyone, see the light that shines brightly or only very dimly through cynical and hurt eyes. We are all each other, and we're all serving purpose, all day, every day, for eternity.

Monday, November 1, 2010

Something More in Store...

I went from zero jobs Wednesday at noon to two jobs on Thursday at noon. It's now Monday evening and I'm down to only one job. Apparently my availability didn't suit their needs and to be totally honest, I had a feeling it wasn't going to work out and I'm excited because this means that the Universe has something more for me in mind!

I can only imagine what brilliant things it has thought up for me, or in actuality, what I have thought up for myself! I've felt the shift and I'm anticipating that the other job I have at the moment won't be lasting much longer either. I'm hoping until at least the end of the month, however, I'm open to new and exciting sources of income! I'm just realizing that in the process of setting all those goals last week, I failed to stop and create a plan(s) or brainstorm all the different ways I can bring in money! I just slapped my resume out at a pile of businesses and said, "OK, who wants me!" And that's fine for now because it's keeping me occupied as well as stirring up some great and fascinating questions about what I really want, who I really am and what I'm willing to do and not do.

One brilliant idea I had in the middle of a conversation with my reflection, only my reflection was my boss at the restaurant and I was telling him exactly what I thought of how he treats his staff. Perhaps a workplace/employee relations coach or something to that effect would fit nicely into my repetoire of gifts and skills... I'll put that out to the Universe now.

And then today, as I cashed in the 'Random Act of Kindess' I found on a coffee shop bulletin board (for a MASSAGE!!!!), I pondered doing readings for people, intuitive readings...I'll put that out to the Universe now too!

You know, most people in my situation would never know who to be in this situation. Perhaps driven by fear or maybe just a need to feel successful and productive (which in essence is fear driven from a need for approval anyway) would get frustrated and angry and wonder why the world hates them and whine and complain. I can say this because I've done this, even recently! And then I say, "OK, are you done? Can we look at what other greatness there is to explore now?" and I, in a sucky voice in my head say, "Yeah, OK..." and I move on. I understand that being a creative being means creating things, opportunities, changes in my life and in my path. I understand that where I'm at right now is serving me and I am serving it as well.

It's a fascinating concept and a very supportive space to be in when trust and faith in what is unseen and yet to manifest and my dreams is all I have to work with. Alchemy... :)

Friday, October 29, 2010

The Art of Creation

"Everything you see has been created twice...once in the mind as a thought and then once in the physical." I believe I heard this on a Steven Covey audio file I listened to not long ago.

It's been a fascinating few weeks. A lot of shifting in my energy and a lot of shifting outside of me. I see the world as I am, therefore I see it change as I change! Among the odd things that have happened this week, I have run into two people I went to highschool with in Vancouver and one person I went to University with wandering through a mall. Now, get this! I've actually sat down and created a plan for myself! HA! I know! Miss wanderer has wandered down a path that resembles some sort of direction.

I'm looking at it this way. I'm putting the train on the tracks. Wherever the tracks lead, I don't particularly care so long as I can stop at the stops I want, which are my goals. Yes I said goals...

Most of my current goals are very specific, as are the plans to achieve them, others are ideas I have to research and sort out in order to create a specific plan. I'm actually using a calendar/agenda and creating weekly tasks and monthly goals of what I want to accomplish. And what I am finding is that I have way more time than I am aware of, tasks take far less time than I anticipate and it's open to change as I change!

I know that I've heard this before, but until now I really hadn't felt a desire or need to implement it and now that I have begun to do it, I'm excited. I'm realistic about what I want deep down and that's where I'm going to start. The foundational stuff- or what I consider the foundational stuff and add to it from there! YAY!

Kinda like all areas of life. Build the foundation, make it solid and build up and onwards from there! At least if the entire house falls down, the foundation will till remain provided it's solid.

Kind of a quiet and practical post, I know, but sometimes we just need quiet and practical kinds of things :)

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

The Creation of Monsters

"I always advocate never creating monsters when there are none, Kelly. Primarily, of course, because there are none." ~Note from the Universe delivered to my email.

It begins usually with a question or a random thought. And then it builds momentum as our imagination begin to add different colours, sounds, textures and of course emotions and actions to that question or thought. From there it becomes a project or at the very least, something you all of the sudden are constantly aware of...and becomes the monster.

If you're a woman, I believe it is safe to say that we all know what this monster is and where it comes from. For me, my most brilliant monsters usually come about as a result of money or men. The money monster has been easily sent back to the ethers on more occassions than not and I have an easier time stopping his creation. The men monster, in the past, was a serious sabatour. Well apparently still is, yet I'm aware of it's creation now where as before it was just life. Create the monster, unleash the monster and validate that monster until it's happy enough to walk away for a little while. It's like the damn troll under the bridge, hiding there nice and quiet until you want to get somewhere and BAM, there it is hassling you, terrifying you back to where you came from, trying to keep you from getting where you want to go.

So I like this quote. Why make monsters when there aren't any there to begin with... Why create the drama when the landscape is drama free? I know a part of this is a woman thing...our need to always have something going on and to be a part of something. For real though. I could definitely use some practice creating brilliant beings (whether they take form as loving and caring monsters or not) that are here to support me in moving beyond the creation of monsters right to where I want to go.

Why fabricate something that doesn't exist? I mean, that's the beginning of the creation that really something you want to create? Is that something I want to create? Didn't think so... It not only serves me, but also the world to stop creating monsters. If I'm ever creating one, please remind me that I said that! :)

Monday, October 25, 2010

Gardners and Investigators

Both gardners and investigators do digging. They do different types of digging. Sometimes gardners dig up things for investigators, but that's not where I'm going. I am neither a gardner or an investigator and yet I find myself digging. Digging for information that I'm not even sure exists; digging for clues to bring clarity and some sense of hope to hang on to before finally letting things go.

One thing I can say is that there is a distinct difference between investigators, which is who I feel I'm being right now, and gardeners. The first digs for evidence, clues, puzzle pieces that bring clarity and a fuller picture to certain situations. Sometimes they literally do physical digging, most times it's a mental map they are navigating, using intellect and logic combined with intuition and even imagination to bring about possible solutions. The later digs where there is nothing to find and plants a seed, waters and nurtures it and watches it grow into something beautiful. It is totally earth based and performed based on the fundamentals of nature. Perhaps the seed will germinate and flourish, and perhaps it won't and so then we plant another seed maybe right away, maybe next season.

Perhaps with all my investigative work and all the possible scenarios I am conjuring up, it would serve me to step back and look at my 'digging' as digging into nothing and use that nothing to plant a new seed, a new intention, a new desire to love and nurture that will grow into something beautiful in its own time.

FML (F#%k My Life) In all the best ways possible of course....

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Craving New Creativity

I absolutely love writing. It flows so naturally through me whether it's online or in my journal or into the chapters of unwritten books. I know that it could use some polishing, some refinement and at times some direction, and at the same time I'm happy to keep doing it as is, for the time being.

Having said that, I acknowledge that there are skills out there and gifts out there that I do not have. Recently it's been the gift of capturing images through photography. I have made friends with some great photographers. The way they are able to capture images, events, scenes and beauty astounds me. The way they can capture and play with the light, with depth, with everything they are given makes me smile. I'm so very happy that they are sharing their gifts in whatever way that may be. It's been leaving me a bit envious though. For me, being a visual person, I want to be able to express myself through this medium in the way that they do and yet I know that my gift is to express myself and what I am seeing through words, which may or may not be something they want to do. Perhaps I can learn some skills...

It's just fasinating to me, to be present to how we all perceive and express what we take in, whether it be through art, writing, photography, music, dance, acting, etc. These creative gifts are so brilliant and amazing and for what seems like the first time ever, I'm seeing myself as 'creative'. I'm a creator; I create using words! Wow. Does that put me in the category of 'creative types'? I dunno, I don't care...all that matters is that I create :) And it doesn't matter what, just that I do it and share it. Ha, wild.

What do you create?

Friday, October 22, 2010

The Sacred GPS

So... phone calls from the Universe that perhaps we're not answering, and call waiting beeps we're not acknowledging...well, maybe we don't have the new i-tuition 4 jut yet, but regardless of what the generation we do have an internal GPS and the fascinating thing about this GPS is that even when we choose to ignore it, it stops and recalculates our journey to get us back on track...whatever that track may be.

What I'd like to do with this renewed thirst for travel is travel the world to as many sacred sites as is possible and meet with spiritual leaders and native or aboriginal elders of various countries and, well after that I'm not entirely sure what the plan is. Getting that far is plan enough at the moment.

As I was checking out a book on Sacred Sites, I looked into Oceana to see if I had, perhaps, run across some while I was in Australia and New Zealand. Let me paint a brief but descript picture for you here. When I went to Australia the word Sacred, to me, meant Jesus Christ, all his superstars and the Bible. It was an idea tied deeply into religion and very superficial at the time. Boy have I shifted; thanks to, what I believe anyway, Australia and New Zealand.

Anyhow, back to the GPS. Having this renewed thirst and beginning to do some more research, I've found that in actuality my internal GPS has been guiding me to these places since I began to travel. My first inclination to explore sacred sites was in Cancun, Mexico. Instead of visiting Tulum though, I sunbathed. At the time I figured Mexico wasn't that far away, I could come back if I REALLY wanted to do it. After that the next big one would have to be Australia; Uluru and Kata Tjuta (aka Ayer's Rock and the Olgas).

When I booked that tour I had NO idea what it was going to be about. All I knew, in every cell of my being, was that I could not leave Australia without seeing that rock. I entertained all sorts of ideas about making it back some other time when I had more money and I just couldn't. I had to get there so I did. I knew at the time and I most definitely know now that tour opened up a channel within me, shifted me into a more open consciousness and set me on a new journey. You should see my journal entries from that trip! I may as well have quoted the guide word for word. Diagrams and everything! I didn't want to forget a single thing about that tour. To connect back to the Sacred journey as well, the word Sacred on this trip was used to describe specific areas within Uluru and Kata Tjuta where the public was not allowed to go, or they were gender specific where 'Women's Things' or 'Men's Things' were done. So my understanding was that within an entire site there are sacred spaces, which is true, and also an understatement.

And then of course the Great Barrier Reef is magestic and although it is not labelled as Sacred, damn, it is to me. But what caught my attention and made me laugh out loud in the bookstore was one of the Sacred Sites that appeared in New Zealand. Mt. Cook or Aoraki as the Maori call it. Little did I know that this beautiful mountain with a glacier was Sacred when we decided to park our van at its base and camp out for a night! And this site was totally my call, my stubborn intuition saying, "Let's just go down that dirt road and see where it takes us!" A beautiful clear night under the stars and enthralled waking up in the middle of the night to a glowing glacier through the front window. Even thinking about it puts me into a stuppor of awe and humbleness.

I didn't do much further research on the Oceana Sacred Sites after this because I was overcome with giddy joy and laughter at how brilliantly the Universe has been guiding me and taking me to places with such depth that brought me sheer joy and authenticity of being! (In case that wasn't obvious in the picture) And what I thought might have been delerium and being overtired, in hindsight, was me feeling energy, feeling shifting and not understanding its source, not understanding it's power and purpose and not understanding how to ground and harness it! lol.

In reality, everything we touch, see, smell, feel is Sacred. Everywhere you step or sit or lay is Sacred becase you are Sacred as a human being. Our magnificence is as brilliant as each of these geographical/geological locations. We are awed by the beauty that nature provides in such monumental physical states and while our GPS is guiding us to physical/geographic locations all the time it's also leading us to human locations; to our family, to our friends, to our neighbours and our entire race. It's leading us to each and every one of them as a mirror to see each others brilliance and beauty and magnificance just as we do in nature. And no, it's not an app that you can download to your Sacred's a part of your basic structure...start using it :)

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Like a 5 Year Old Waiting For A Hotdog...

At some point in our childhood, we’ve had a moment that indicated to us the world was not what we thought it was. Sometimes it’s severely damaging in that moment, other times it simply evolves into deep conditioning throughout our lives until we remember it, unpack it and understand exactly just what happened and how it’s been affecting us.

Today, during a talk with a friend, she asked me a critical and to the point question. “What does freedom look like to you?” and based on my answer her reply was, “So sounds like to me you don’t like people telling you what you can and cannot do.” Which of course was true. Then immediately my higher self stepped in and said, “Well that’s not entirely true because when I come from a place of service, I have no problems taking direction and receiving instructions.” Having said that, it entirely depends on the delivery of the direction and instruction. Anyhow, what we discovered is that my resistance to what I am going to call ‘guidance’ stems from one Good Friday when I was, say five years old.

Good Friday is a day of no meat if you are Catholic, and I believe other religions follow that as well. I wanted a hotdog (which is a debatable meat to begin with) and my Grandma said no. I asked why. She basically said, “it’s Good Friday and you’re a sinner if you have meat.” To which I replied, “So what…” And that of course pushed her buttons and caused a bit of a rucus, which brings me to scar number two of “children should be seen and not heard” (but that’s another post). I think in the end I settled for carrots and potatoes, which I’m sure at the time sucked. The point being, from that experience I learned that I can’t have what I want, or what I want is bound to be stopped by some goofy day, rule, law, guideline, person in charge who doesn’t agree with me…. And so from that I’ve been living like a 5 year old wanting and waiting for a hotdog and for reasons I could not see until now, I’ve either gotten it or not.

Granted there have been times when I’ve wanted things and I have got them, most of those times I’ve gone and done it myself, without anyone knowing or without asking first because that way I will be ensured I’ll at least get what I want for a little while :) It’s totally true though! If I can get it the way I want it, and NOW, I’ll do whatever I can to do it. On rare occasions I’ve been stopped, grounded (in the energetic sense) and guided lovingly towards those things I’ve wanted, often times it’s been my own understanding and doing. When I’m really set on something and I’m certain it’s what I want, I’ll ensure it’s done properly because if it’s not, I run the risk of losing it entirely. Sometimes it frustrates me to have to go through process after process to get to where I want to be and yet I WILL do it, if I want that something bad enough. It’s an inherent part of my life path apparently as a 34/7 (Dan Millman- The Life You Were Born To Live- 4 Process and Stability) I’m like a sneaky good dog…I can be obedient when the end result can be me without a treat, but if the cookie box is open and no one is looking…I might just be all over it and I typically am.

So perhaps some of you can relate to this, or perhaps I’m the only goofball with this little blip. Either way I can at least now recognize when my desires require a little extra effort and at least now I understand why I have issues with people telling me what to do. If only I could have seen my Grandma was trying to ‘guide’ me to be a good little Catholic girl when I was 5, I might have better understood…then again, maybe not. ;)