What I Have is Enough...Actually, More Than Enough

It has felt to me, in the past months, that I have been continually asking for more. More out of the people in my life, more from the company I work with, more of myself, more opportunities, income, relationships, travel that is not work related, direction...and the list can go on and on.

And one request pops out to me the most; more of myself. And the 'more' that I have been asking for has been masked quite nicely by my mind while my heart has patiently waited for me to lift the veil and see that what I require more of is gratitude for all the things that I do have because currently that is enough. Accepting that my life is enough right now, that I am enough as a person, that the amount of money I bring in is enough and that the relationships I have are enough.

That doesn't mean that I cannot keep striving to grow all of these things, but I have had distinct feelings of 'arriving' for lack of a better word, in the place that I have been waiting to be in for quite some time. When I thought of what this place might have looked like, I do not know I had a vision in mind, but what it felt like is fairly clear. It is a feeling where being, doing and having 'enough' is fulfilling. Understanding that my manifestations of 'enough' will transform and grow is exciting and freeing. Surrendering to enough as a good thing, as a positive aspect of being, as a turning point has been empowering, grounding and freeing. When I am ready for more, it will appear, they will appear, the opportunities will appear and most importantly, I will appear and show up for each and every one of those things I have been co-creating.

Being OK with enough has not been easy, but it has been real. It has given me the gift of perspective and understanding and in some instances hope. Being OK with enough makes me realize that in all actually, I am, have and do more than enough. And that is a beautiful thing.

Perturbation Point

Firstly, I must admit, I am not an expert in physics. In fact I nearly failed physics in my first year of university. I do understand this though...as explained by one of my teachers and interpreted by none other than me :)

When there is repeated pressure or stress on a single point one of two things happens, explosion or a gradual deterioration of that surface eventually creating a gap, hole, crack in which things can begin to escape through slowly relieving the pressure.

Well in my case this lovely metaphor has taken the shape of me being the object under continual and repeated stress to the point where all barriers have been worn down and slowly but surely the many colourful aspects of my life are being revealed to me. It appears that I am not the only one going through this right now and when speaking to a friend I said, "As much as this sucks, is exhausting and a total energy drain, it is wearing down my ego and all kinds of juicy bullshit from the crevices of my being are being brought up and I am just letting them go because I don't have the energy  or desire to resist them.' So I've let the tears rain down...any and every emotion that I have experienced in any intensity has ended in tears, both good and bad. White wine helps the tears flow in more abundance, it also makes me want to seek comfort via random emails and texts, which is likely why I'm drinking alone in a hotel room with out a roommate (the Universe always knows what I need).

At some point this morning I felt no stress at all and thankfully that carried over through the day. I think I finally let go of whatever I was lugging around with me and yet the release of all that baggage created space for the 'not so supportive' stuff to come up into the light of day, which ultimately means it's time to deal with them. This same weekend last year I was going through the same type of situation only it was being really sick that wore down my ego and forced me into a sobbing mess. And to be quite honest I don't think I was present to any layers that were needing to be removed. Some people saw it fit to remove me from their life, but that turned out to be a blessing as all chaos usually does.

But one thing I realized is that sometimes our stressors, our irritants, our button pushers are not the things, people or situations we actually need to deal with, they are the forces that are breaking us down enough to allow the rest to come to the surface; they are the catalysts. And when we are open to just sitting with all of that stuff and clearing it away or giving it space, the reality of the situation reveals itself. It's crystal clear to me that I can start being more open in my communications about what I really desire, that my habit of assuming is causing me to close doors that were previously wide open, that when I am feeling hurt or wronged by someone, they are simply a mirror for me and are likely feeling the same way either about me or someone else. I will be honest...I don't always assume the best thought I like to think I do!

I just know that as much as I hate these times, I love them because the strength, courage and ability to stand in my vulnerability and my confidence is ten fold what I ever think I am capable of.

Fear of the Unknown

Although letting go has been the theme as of late, I have discovered in some circumstances it's more about fearing the unknown than it is about letting go. When I fear the unknown I grab on to what is familiar and hold tight, not because I want or need it, but because it provides comfort in times of uncertainty.

Lately I've been (well this is kind of an ongoing theme) looking at where I am and where I thought I would be at this point in my life. Um...two totally different places! While the me in both of those visions is equally fulfilled and happy, the manner in which I got there is completely different. I wonder if I had taken a different journey, if I would have learned as much about myself as I have on this one. I wonder had I known this was my journey all along if I'd have ever envisioned the other one. Probably not because I certainly didn't expect or envision this one! Either way I have been living between these two visions trying to find the best of both worlds and integrate them together and that is just not working...period...full stop. (If you're Australian) :)

Because I had no idea about this journey - consciously - and have no idea where it will take me, other than to more of the same and better experiences, it creates fear, where as the other vision has a sort of normalcy to it, a predictability I can follow and be successful at. Not sure how successful I can be at something I don't know. So not only is the fear of the unknown that has me held back, it's my fear of failing at this unknown life that keeps me wanting to do the things I know how to do, be in situations I know I can handle. I know for certain that I am in a place right now where I am needing to trust and feel for the moment to jump because I can jump and I will land on my feet and I am more than capable of succeeding at this unknown life (that I probably created intentionally!) I haven't used this muscle of extraordinary trust in the ways I used to in quite some time. Maybe going on a road trip with $1200, no end date and only desired destinations in mind isn't in the works, but something is and I am open to it. Now, that's not fear...that's excitement!

Letting go.

People often come to ask me for advice about different things going on in their lives and often times my response is 'just let it go'. I am well aware that this is often easier said than done. We have expectations of ourselves of others or specific situations that we want to unfold in certain ways. We think things should be done a certain way or perhaps we think we are simply being challenged by life again. The reality is it's time to let go, go inward, relax, take care of ourselves and stop worrying about whatever else is going on.

Today I realized that letting go comes in different forms. When you tell someone to let go of a person, it's different than surrendering to what is, or stepping out of the chaos or drama. When situations become crazy or dramatic it's easy to jump to conclusions, create stories and then naturally try to fix it, make it calmer, ease the tension. The best thing to do is just step away. Let the situation work itself out, let the dust settle and go and take care of yourself for a while. This is the Universe's way of saying, 'back off, I've got this' (in a very loving way of course, unless you choose not to listen). And I would have to say that letting go in this kind of scenario is the easiest one to do.

Letting go of people on the other hand...now that's an entirely different story. Or not, maybe I'm wrong, but in my reality and experience, the emotions that are connected to people are far harder to deal with than emotions connected to situations. I think that is because people are like fixtures and physical beings that create connections and experiences whereas situations are fluid and dynamic and more of an idea rather than a physical being.

The reason I am writing this is because I have come to understand that I have three ways of letting go.
1) temporarily walk away, give space, relax and let things work themselves out
2) stick with something long enough and through to the end when it is crystal clear one day that the relationship between you and whatever else is there is done. The energy is neutral and distinctly disconnected.
3) let go abruptly because you have no choice other than to do that.

I detest the 3rd option because, for me, I often get angry, resentful and bitter and to counter that, instead of sitting with those emotions and actually feeling them I tend to get righteous and say, "He'll be sorry one day!" or whatever pertains to the situation. Yesterday, I had that come back to bite me in the ass, not in a bad way, but just enough to get me to understand this, this post, the way I have chosen to let go of things and how it is not serving me to stuff away my anger when it comes up.

So thank you for your email, your apology and I wish you well too.

K

Craving Community

At many points in my life I have been surrounded by friends, out at parties, getting together for dinner or just time to catch up and in many of those points as much as I have felt like I belonged to something, I also felt I didn't quite fit.

Now I work all over North America, in a different city nearly every weekend for the past two years with different crowds, but a consistent group of co-workers who have come to be like family to me. When I come home, I feel at home and yet I am craving something that I have never found here which is my own sense of community. It has always felt like sand running through my fingers. When I was away at school, it was a common community because I went to a school, but when you get out of school they don't tell you that you are free to create a new life, that you will have to find your way and your place in the world, that sometimes it will make you feel extremely alone, especially if you are doing something you detest.

I wonder how much of my craving for community comes from the fact that I am off in different places all the time and lacking a place that is mine. I have a stable place to be, but it's not mine, and I wonder how much of it is that my community resides elsewhere and gets together elsewhere? Where does that community I belong to live? Are they in my area? Are they across the country? Across the continent in a different country? Or is this me feeling discontented with where I am again? I know damn well I can create whatever I want and I have wanted to create a community around me of like-minded individuals, but what has been missing is the group of like-minded individuals within my age range, within my scope of identity and ability to identify with, a group of like-minded individuals who have not walked the simple path, who have taken risks in their life, who have grown out of their old selves, who are looking for new horizons and who are contributing consciously to the world. I want and need to be fed the food I have been feeding other people when I am at home and not just on the road.

While I appreciate the contrast home provides, I am questioning whether it is serving me or if we have simply outgrown each other. Perhaps there is a community here and I am choosing not to see it because it's completely not possible that THIS community here is anywhere near as good as what I get when I'm away from home. (Nice story) I am noticing a vicious circle here...

Maybe it's time to make a change...

Thinking Makes Me Tired

Perhaps it's for school, or a work project or something that you are so immersed in that you just can't seem to pull yourself away. Perhaps it's a way of life you have adopted that you just can't seem to pull back from.

I am talking about the amazing kind of thinking that happens when the wheels start to turn in sync in your brain and ideas flow, actions are effortless and time becomes lost... Anyone ever have one of those moments?

I happen to absolutely be in love with what I do and create for people in my work. I will do as much as I possibly can for our clients when I have the ability to find a solution to their situation. And I do a damn good job. I get extremely frustrated when the information I find for them or the solutions I create do not address 100% what I want to be able to communicate with them and that is when the thinking makes me tired. Trying to go the extra mile on top of the extra mile to be the winner of the "I did that for them" award instead of loving that I get to often times, just be a catalyst that gets people started, that creates a forward momentum.

But I know this kind of tired is the best kind of tired. It's the tired that puts a smile on my face before I fall asleep at night, it's the tired that fills my heart with pride and gratitude that I was able to make a difference in someone's day...sometimes life!

Someone once told me, "All I know to do is give 100% of whatever is possible for me to give, say, do and when my head hits the pillow I go to sleep at peace at night. If there ever is a night where I can honestly say I didn't do that, then it's time to re-evaluate." (I might not have been word for word that, but it was damn close.)

I take pride in knowing that I do give 100% of what I can, if not more sometimes and I also take pride in knowing that when I acknowledge my less than 100% that I can always go back and revisit it. Sometimes the wheels stop turning and the ideas stop flowing for a reason. Sometimes we need to give 100% to ourselves instead of everyone else. Do what makes you feel good about yourself and if what you're doing doesn't make you feel good about yourself, stop doing it for a while, take a breather, create some space for the situation and look at it with fresh, awake eyes and perspective. Give your 100% and let the rest do it's job.

Don't worry, just breathe. If it's meant to be it will find it's way.

Puzzle Pieces

Have you ever done a puzzle, picked up a puzzle piece and toyed around trying to figure out where it goes for what seems like forever only to set it down until later when its place suddenly reveals itself?

Considering I love doing puzzles, this happens all the time. Not just in physical puzzles, but in the puzzle pieces that come together in my life. Sometimes it's people, other times it is things, websites, names, information...

Most recently it has been knowledge learned from the last four years. When I completed my teaching degree I came home and decided to take the opposite path of most of the people I had gone to school with...although I tried to get a teaching position, I was also trying to make a go of something different that involved helping kids without being in a school. I had ideas galore...puzzle pieces in abundance, but no framework in which to put them. I didn't know this then, but looking back I can see clearly I was just trying to fit it into something so I could build a bigger picture!

Once I finally surrendered to the brick wall I kept hitting, I just allowed myself to take in as much information as I could knowing that it would serve me at some point when I needed it. The other thing I did was I kept mental note of the things that resonated most with me, the areas in which I put a lot of attention and the things that seemed simple enough to execute quickly and inexpensively. For 3 of those 4 years I struggled to figure out my place in the world, who I was, what I stood for and how I could be of service, but I failed to acknowledge that those puzzle pieces already existed in my life, but I had chosen not to look at them. I gradually started reintegrating some of those elements of myself, those puzzle pieces and quickly the puzzle began to grow and become clearer, as did my own confidence, clarity and personal power. These were the internal puzzle pieces. The external puzzle pieces were the topics like internet marketing, training, writing that created a framework for my inner puzzle to attach to when the right pieces were in place.

Lately I have been looking back to those framework pieces that I knew I would need at some point and I am realizing just how many resources I have to make my dreams a reality. And I am also realizing that I can take exactly what I feel would work for me, implement it and adjust as I go because I know that some things are going to work swimmingly while others may not...then again, being this patient and conscious of the information I have taken in, maybe it will all work out swimmingly for me :)

Either way I can see that I have rediscovered some puzzle pieces that now have a place in my life and I am super excited about figuring out exactly where they fit and how they might contribute to the bigger picture!

So Much Sunshine...

Have you ever come across something you have had tucked away for a while that makes you stop and smile and takes you back to wherever it originally came from?

I had this happen to me yesterday while I was searching for a misplaced CD. I came across this :)

And of course it made me smile! I got to thinking about when I actually made this. This particular quote was the only quote out of 12 that really caught my attention. It was bright, it was fun, it was sunny! And in the middle of my 'mod podge' phase (Thank you Brave Girls Club Soul Restoration) which was actually one of the most therapeutic and creative things I have ever done, I created this! I hung it proudly in my home at the time thinking that it was something bright to spruce up the place. Looking back now I was trying to create sunshine where it wasn't always shining.

Today I was talking with a friend and I said to him, "I looked at this piece that I made and wished that someone had bought it and given it to me instead of me making it for myself!" And I still really do wish that someone (perhaps the person I was with at the time) was thoughtful enough to see this and say, "This screams Kelly!" and buy it for me. But how does one buy something that doesn't exist until after it's created...lol

It's interesting for me to think that I wanted someone else to tell me this; that I wanted someone else to see that this was me (because I certainly think it is!) and tell me that, and low and behold a year later I hear this more often than not... :) I am not trying to be boastful here, but what I am getting at is that we receive what we give and what we put out there.

We attract who we are. I was putting this out there last year and a year later it's come to fruition BUT first I had to see it inside of me, I had to acknowledge an aspect of what makes me great and then I had to allow others to see it too. This summer I took a stroll through the fire and that heat made me realize two things.
1. I was afraid to be fully seen as me and
2. I wasn't willing to see myself fully or I had no idea how
So I decided that it was OK to move towards being fully seen and seeing myself fully and it has been the biggest blessing I ever could have asked for.

So, yes, I still want someone (well let me be clear - someone I am in a relationship with) to be so thoughtful that if they saw this they would buy it and give it to me as a gift, but I now understand that in order for others to be able to give me that gift, sometimes they can't see it until I do and then again sometimes it's the reverse and I can't see it until they do :) Either way I am grateful I found this little piece of love that has brought me so many thoughts today.

Choas and Discomfort

You would think I would know by now that this feeling is an indication of things to change, of something in my life falling away to make room for clarity and something of even greater brilliance and beauty...but yet I still have not learned. Or perhaps I am still subconsciously resisting this knowing. I feel the feeling, start trying to grasp onto whatever I can in hopes that what I think I want and need stays nice and close to home for fear of what the unknown might bring.

Well the fog is lifting, the chaos is finding its order and the discomfort has shifted from unbearable, anxious knots in my stomach to the dull ache of acceptance. The sobering reality of having an opportunity to make a more definitive choice about the path I would like to take my life down. I have not fully let go of the tornado that is lessening and disappearing on the horizon because there is something in that tornado that belongs to me. Perhaps it will get dropped somewhere else on my path, or perhaps it was never really mine to begin with...

With more clarity comes more transparency...as if the veil has been lifted and everything that was there initially, but not seen is now all of the sudden laid out on display for reflection and contemplation maybe, but more than likely for a serious opportunity to either clean house and take out the trash, or simply to tidy up and put things back, maybe not where they were or where they belong, but where they fit for the moment. I see the things I want and have and am not grateful for, I see the empty spaces that feel like voids at times, but are not ready to be accompanied by anything, and then there's the pile of things that just don't fit, and the pile of things that just don't fit right now and aren't necessarily going to get tossed...

Looking forward to clearing out the metaphorical cupboards of my soul and really figuring out what I'm willing keep and what I'm ready to pass on.

Meeting Miles Apart

In that space right before I fall asleep, OF COURSE, I would have inspiration to write...

My meandering thoughts tonight were about my most recent long term relationship and it's eventual completion. The cliche statement of "we're headed in different directions" and "we're in two very different places in our lives" are really not that cliche and because they are so common, they've just become something of a not so happy addition to romance movies before 'the one' comes walking into them from around a blind corner.

Back to cliche statments...

My reality on this subject is that in my last two long term relationships, those have been the breaking points and the areas of contention. Both of them wanted to take the same exit except the context of each was very different.

The first, let's call him A, if we were two cars driving on the highway, we were right next to each other, side view to side view, cruising along the highway. There were plenty of times when we separated to get a couple lanes over, maybe even into the collectors lane, I even thought about finding another car to drive side by side with. Eventually we both got off at AN exit and the choice was then between getting back on the highway or getting off and stopping for a while. At that time, the highway represented travelling and teaching abroad and following my heart wherever it wanted to take me. And stopping meant getting in on a board to teach, and then taking a year off at some point to teach abroad, in the mean time settling down, house, etc. I chose the highway and more or less told him he couldn't come with me. Stopping had never even crossed my mind prior to that, staying together, getting married, yes, but stopping, no.

So on my merry little highway, which stayed in North America as opposed to my overseas intentions, brought me onto a highway where I met B. I am certain that B should have been a very brief encounter, but I liked the road B was on so I took it. I took it right to where he lived and although it would seem as if we were driving side by side on the highway we really weren't. In my opinion, he was here and there, ahead of me all the time and there were times when we were side by side, but I always felt as though he was miles ahead of me willing me to catch up yet not slowing down to close the gap. It's kind of like we both set out for the same destination but a couple hours apart, we're both going the same speed so we'll never meet up until we reach our destination only his destination wasn't clear...it wasn't as clear as the 'stopping' had been. It was hazy, and ambiguous and a very generic version of what stopping might look like, so unclear. I felt a bit like a cat chasing a mouse that's never meant to be caught.

How often do we play that game thinking that in the end we'll get what we want from that person only to realize that we would have it if they had it...

Either way, this inspiration to write has given me new perspective on understanding the reasons for things ending. I am happy that A finally stopped and is living the life he wants and that B is driving on his highway somewhere. What strikes me about B is that he is stopped in real life, but when I think about B, being stopped is the last thing that comes to mind. Now is that my illusion or B's?

Chew 30 x Before Swallowing

Have you ever heard this? Chew your food 30x before swallowing? I remember first hearing it on Full House when Stephanie was teaching her sister to chew properly, or some such context. Food or not, somethings require a bit more chewing than others before they can be fully digested. This goes both for food and food for thought.

"I create the conscious mental equivalent for whatever my HEART causes me to desire"

This statement right here, requires some chewing! When I first read it all I picked up on was HEART and DESIRE. Then I had to do a double take because there are three other words in between those two words that I have never seen before...'Heart CAUSES ME TO desire'...

Now THIS statement, for me, is sooooo powerful because as a firm believer in following my heart and in advising MANY a people to follow their heart, I have come to learn that what I think I desire and what my heart causes me to desire can be two totally opposing things!

To be totally honest, I'm still chewing on this statement because I don't feel I've reached that aha moment of clarity with respect to how this has played out in my life. What I do know is that there have been times when my heart has held me in situations with people or in places I had no previous desire to be in. In the immediate moment, all I wanted was to say 'No Thank you, next' and walk away and yet in every instance, my heart held me there. So instead of resisting my heart, I followed it and it took me to brilliant life lessons, to moments of seeing my greatness, to experiencing my own patience and power and to reaffirming that I am alive. It has been in those moments of letting go of resistance that I have created the conscious mental equivalent to whatever my heart is causing me to desire.

There have been moments when my heart's direction has been so strong that no matter how many reasons for not wanting that I throw in front of it, I cannot move until I accept the direction I am headed and face what is there to be seen or experienced. I have realized that my heart causes me to desire the greatest things for myself and then it also causes me to desire that which may not be perfect so that I can clarify what it is I truly want and need in my life.

In writing this post I have found some clarity and I have also found some peace in the fact that it doesn't matter which path I want, my heart will always put me on the path I need and it's my job to wrap my head around it and accept what is and move forward with new clarity.

Wow....still chewing. Thank you Adam.

When The Sun Sets

Over the last month or so I have seen a lot of sunsets. They were beautiful with reds, pinks, purples and blues and that glowing ball of sunshine dipping beyond the horizon was a sight to be seen every time. It was peaceful, beautiful and serene every time and even more it eluded to the momentary darkness of night that was upon us. Time to retreat, to relax, to rest and to sleep.

Since I thoroughly enjoy speaking through metaphors...I've recently had my own sunset in my life. I feel as though a part of my life has dipped beyond the horizons of my past to stay there as my past instead of consistently returning to my present. Never say never is what I am told and at times I believe that to be true, but for this particular instance I am choosing to believe that chapter of my being is finito and I am opening, actually writing a new chapter.

I have remembered that people are people and they will do stupid and shitty things to other people. It doesn't make them wrong or right, it just means they do stupid and shitty things. It is at this point I like to call them douchebags...not so much because I really think that deep down, more so because it's the only word that makes me feel better about having had them in my life...and trusting them with my vulnerability and openness. I wonder if they realize that what they do is stupid and shitty or if they just go about their days thinking that their douchy-ness is absolutely acceptable and probably even admired.

Anyhow, I arrived at the point of no return last week on Valentines Day of all the friggin' days in the world to share love, there I was all friggin' constricted and mad at one particular douchebag for being so oblivious to me and my feelings. I'll admit I wanted to be the centre of attention and I ended up not even being a part of the story. So how does one react or respond? Well first, the do I don't I of writing FB messages, texting and commenting on statuses, then the crying and wondering what the fuck I was thinking in the first place, then the anger and sheer disgust, then the remembering of those glimpses of genuine connection that make me think I want to go back there, then the remembering of all the not so nice ways of speaking to me, but just nice enough and light hearted enough to keep me smiling and then the venting to people who don't really care, then venting to people who do really care and then just coming to a place of giving up the entire situation to the greater powers at be. Because quite frankly I've got better things to do than whine over some asshole who thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread. (Hate to break it to ya 'babe' but no...)

THANKFULLY, I am extremely blessed to have presence of mind that I have, the work that I have and the co-workers I have. If it were not for being on the road, seeing some of my best friends every weekend and focusing on helping others rather than how to figure out the best way to deal with a douchebag, I would be crying in my bed wondering what I was thinking, what was wrong with me and why I got left behind. Instead I am laughing out loud, smiling ear to ear and knowing that God just gave me a gift, he saved me from being in a crappy relationship, for lack of better wor, and from making choices that were not in line with what I wanted or what I deserve.

Let me be frank here (I'll still be Kelly though). I am a very easy going person in most areas of my life. I can live simply, I can go with the flow, I can be open to anything and everything because I trust that my life is great and only great things will happen to me no matter what they feel like. And I also have some areas of my life where things just are not negotiable...like how others treat me, how they speak to me and how they act when they are or are not around me. At some point over the last month I gave in a little on those, thinking I needed to be someone I wasn't and all that created was a huge situation that was, guess what....not me and not what I wanted! Things are not negotiable for a reason, they do not serve me, I am not empowered, nor am I truly happy. So I got to choose. I got to choose whether or not I was going to allow this chapter of my life with this person to continue as is or whether it was time to let the sun do it's setting and write a new one.

Fancy this, you get to choose to0! Tired of people treating you like shit, speaking to you as if you know nothing, acting as if you don't exist unless of course it's convenient for them? Then start making those things non-negotiable because quite frankly it's self abuse. It might seem like the other person is abusing you, but really it's you. Just like it was me.

Of course, this particular sun thinks it's allowed to pop back up whenever it wants and shine in my world, and I expect it to do that for quite some time, but I know that once the sun sets, it stays set and follows it's cycle, the sun can't keep popping up and setting as if to hit rewind and replay.

I could say I made a wrong turn, but that's not true, every turn is the right turn because somewhere along that road I realize I need to be on the other road or just a road that isn't this one. Sometimes I can just take a side street, other times I have to go all the way back and turn around. Either way I always get to where I need to be just like the sun always sets.