Thursday, June 13, 2013

Put That Moment In My Pocket

Holy F...It's been a rough and emotional week. You know how the Universe subtly sends you nudges and then when you don't pay attention it throws a brick at your head? Well I had one of those weeks. 2 days in a row I had a sucker punch to the gut with information I was totally unwilling to accept, yet clearly hearing the message that it's time to pay attention.

I have had a heart murmur since I was six. What that means for me is that one of my valves does not function properly. Instead of pushing blood all the way through and out into the body, it doesn't close all the way letting some blood flow back into my heart. I have known since I was little when my specialist drew a diagram that more or less looked like the one below. 'This is you going along good in life, once that changes it changes rapidly and you need a new valve'. (said in a very thick Asian accent...I am sure he said more words than that, but that's really the gist of it)

I went for a test last month to find that things have indeed changed. I thought my doctor (not my specialist) might have had a bit of tact in delivering the news to me, instead he went into high alert (after telling me earlier that it wasn't huge, but something to check out) telling me I needed surgery without first giving me the progression of events. So I started to breakdown...really, there was no point in even trying to hold it together. Thankfully he had an intern with him who calmed my nerves by saying what logically would happen next; testing, before ever even considering surgery.

Funnily enough my Gram had an appointment at the same time and we had agreed to go to lunch afterwards. We met out in the parking lot and she saw my state and quickly decided to talk my ear off about how it was all going to be OK. (I told her this too) Normally she frustrates me when she talks, but this time I was happy to hear the optimism coming from someone else. We got into the restaurant and sat at the table and the waitress was on top of it. She brought us waters straight away. Put my Gram's down and didn't really get a chance to put mine down because it had already fallen off the tray, all over the table and just as I began to worry that my Gram was getting soaked I felt the ice cold water all over my lap! All I could say was, "Damn that's cold!" and started laughing hysterically with my Gram. That moment in time I will always remember...the two of us needing and supporting each other and sharing a moment that snapped us both so quickly into joy and laughter. Seeing her laugh so hard and smile while trying to make the waitress and me feel better. I didn't care that my jeans were soaked, that the seat had ice all over it or that the floor and my feet were still wet. I cared that I got to experience my Gram as who she really is instead of who I think I make her out to be.

And of course as I thought about how special that moment felt to me I started bawling again in the booth...But I put that moment in my pocket and I'll carry that around forever and smile and probably cry every time it comes to mind because that little moment made me realize that life is simple and short, most things are trivial and it is meant to be enjoyed. I am putting the analysis tools away in favour of living.

Monday, June 3, 2013

Show Up...Even When You Don't Want To

Have you ever been somewhere and all you could think about was being somewhere else?

This really has been a recurring experience for me. Like I said in my last post, it is very convenient for me to stay at home and become a hermit from the world. Physically showing up at places is one thing, showing up fully mentally, spiritually and energetically is an entirely different thing. How many of you have been places where either your or someone else is physically there yet their being or their heart is elsewhere?

I have been experiencing this a lot lately. I am showing up physically for things that used to drive my excitement and now my heart is days behind. It is not that I don't care. In fact I care quite deeply. More than I would ever admit and it is because I care (or at least I think that's why) that I have disconnected myself. I became imbalanced, out of alignment with my true desires, with my true priorities and path and committed 100% of myself to something that will never nourish me in all the ways I need to be nourished, in fact, it became toxic.

I suppose this is part of the paradox of life that continually shows itself to me. Caring is often associated with a lot of attention and time spent or energy spent on something or someone when in reality it can also be the ability to step back and let that something or someone do what they must to learn what they need or heal (both have very different energies though). It can be a challenge. It can breed resentment at times because timing is a major factor in this entire process. Often times we don't let go until after we've tried really hard to change that person or thing and instead of letting go and becoming unattached from choice, we give up from sheer frustration or exhaustion or just 'being done with it'.

I am finding the tricky part about either of these is still being able to show up significantly when my heart has let go along with my mind. It's just like going through the motions now. My problem with going through the motions is that I begin to wonder why I am putting myself through it. And I begin asking self-defeating questions that only make me feel like I have failed at creating the experiences I would like.

The reality of this...It's a fu$king process. Life is a process of continually changing ideas and situations. Everything is fu%cking perfect just as it is. It's ok that I hate a couple areas of my life right now because there are elements to those areas that I have no control over other than my own reactions. And all I am being asked to do is show up and go through the motions right now because it is serving its purpose. No one is asking me to anything above and beyond x, y, and z other than myself because I have an expectation of what I 'should' be. My heart is finding its nourishment elsewhere and it's happy about it!

So maybe I can show up and go through the motions even when I don't want to because I know why it is important to me. I am still showing up because there are people and things I still have to be there for and that is beyond the heart. It is divine and as much as that frustrates the hell out of me, I cannot argue it, nor can I run from it (or to it for that matter) it calls me to show up and I do...with or without my heart in the game. I often feel like I signed up for something I am never allowed to abandon,  until I am allowed to.

Now is clearly not that time.