Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Meeting Miles Apart

In that space right before I fall asleep, OF COURSE, I would have inspiration to write...

My meandering thoughts tonight were about my most recent long term relationship and it's eventual completion. The cliche statement of "we're headed in different directions" and "we're in two very different places in our lives" are really not that cliche and because they are so common, they've just become something of a not so happy addition to romance movies before 'the one' comes walking into them from around a blind corner.

Back to cliche statments...

My reality on this subject is that in my last two long term relationships, those have been the breaking points and the areas of contention. Both of them wanted to take the same exit except the context of each was very different.

The first, let's call him A, if we were two cars driving on the highway, we were right next to each other, side view to side view, cruising along the highway. There were plenty of times when we separated to get a couple lanes over, maybe even into the collectors lane, I even thought about finding another car to drive side by side with. Eventually we both got off at AN exit and the choice was then between getting back on the highway or getting off and stopping for a while. At that time, the highway represented travelling and teaching abroad and following my heart wherever it wanted to take me. And stopping meant getting in on a board to teach, and then taking a year off at some point to teach abroad, in the mean time settling down, house, etc. I chose the highway and more or less told him he couldn't come with me. Stopping had never even crossed my mind prior to that, staying together, getting married, yes, but stopping, no.

So on my merry little highway, which stayed in North America as opposed to my overseas intentions, brought me onto a highway where I met B. I am certain that B should have been a very brief encounter, but I liked the road B was on so I took it. I took it right to where he lived and although it would seem as if we were driving side by side on the highway we really weren't. In my opinion, he was here and there, ahead of me all the time and there were times when we were side by side, but I always felt as though he was miles ahead of me willing me to catch up yet not slowing down to close the gap. It's kind of like we both set out for the same destination but a couple hours apart, we're both going the same speed so we'll never meet up until we reach our destination only his destination wasn't clear...it wasn't as clear as the 'stopping' had been. It was hazy, and ambiguous and a very generic version of what stopping might look like, so unclear. I felt a bit like a cat chasing a mouse that's never meant to be caught.

How often do we play that game thinking that in the end we'll get what we want from that person only to realize that we would have it if they had it...

Either way, this inspiration to write has given me new perspective on understanding the reasons for things ending. I am happy that A finally stopped and is living the life he wants and that B is driving on his highway somewhere. What strikes me about B is that he is stopped in real life, but when I think about B, being stopped is the last thing that comes to mind. Now is that my illusion or B's?