Sunday, August 29, 2010

I Put My Hands Up In The Air Sometimes...

Sayin' 'A-Ho, Let it be so...'

My life is amazing. I get to shift people, shift perspectives, shift attitudes and shift the energy of the world! And...... I'm doing it EVERY FRIGGIN' DAY!

I suppose it's been a couple of weeks now since I krewed Mind of Steel Heart of Gold up in Squamish and I must say I'm absolutely clear that my entire life has shifted in big ways. I can't pinpoint any ONE event or any ONE person as the cause of this shift because it's been an accumulation over many years of becoming aware, understanding and making choices for me, that suit my way of being and that make me feel alive and on purpose.

It's funny when I realized who I was, who I was being, and who I know I AM were all totally different things. It wasn't like the typical 'light bulb moment' it was like a head turning 'WTF?!' followed by 'Oh no honey, that's gonna change...' and it has. I've caught myself in so many moments where I've recognized myself hiding from who I really am, running from what I know deep down is what I desire and when I'm intentionally creating chaos to keep myself from getting anywhere near my true self or the people I want to be with and connect with. IT'S FASCINATING! And liberating and empowering and absolutely brilliant!

I'm living on an entirely different vibration thanks to every person, place, thing, being in this Universe and thanks to myself for seeing an opportunity to choose my own truth yet again.

Thursday, August 12, 2010

"It's a Love Story, Baby Just Say Yes"

How do you feel about.....

The choir singing in the background, her hair blowing in the wind as she turns around to find HIM standing at the foot of the hill. He runs to her, grabs her in his arms (the choir belts out a bellowing end note) as they kiss and the screen fades to credits. Another happy ending :) Awe....

Or this song- Come What May from Moulin Rouge

Or pictures like this:

Do they bring about feelings of expansion, warm fuzzies, that 'Awe' we all make at something cute? Do they give you goosebumps or make you want to gag? Or do they simply roll off your shoulder as just another story, another silly love song, another couple making out? Are they of love or are they of 'LOVE'? Is there a difference? Are there similarities? What does it actually mean to love? What does it feel like to be loved? What does it feel like to BE love?

Love, love, love... :) I'm finding it difficult to create coherent sentences because that essence of love that is swirling all around me is captivating, it's all encompassing, it is love in all the senses of the word. It is romantic, playful, longing, deep and desirable, light and cute. It's sexy and sensual and seductive that love is and distracting at times too.

What comes to mind when you read the word 'Love' or hear it or speak it? The reason I ask is because for many people the world (I meant to write word, but this will work too!) of love is only associated with romantic partnerships. That sort of love is held as the highest form to strive for and then all other loves after that are just 'love'. And then beyond that it almost seems as though love is a foreign concept. And where in that whole world is love for self?

Some people see love as a process, something they have to fall in and out of in a lifetime or something that they go through as a part of life. Only ever scratching the surface of what love is really a part of. I mean, I don't know anything about love other than what I know, which I'm pretty happy with. In this world of duality and paradox, it's both limited and limitless, it is formless as energy and in form as people, animals, plants, places, pictures, songs...the list can go on. It is a thing and nothing at the same time, it is a verb or an action as well as inaction, it's a state of being as much as it's not a state of being. It just is, just as everything else in this world is or isn't ;) It's deep, it's shallow, it's unifying and divisive, it's an aspect of the 'One' as well as the 'many'. It has no borders and yet it does (self imposed or not). It ends and begins and never ends and never begins at the same time. It just is (or isn't).

What purpose does it serve to label, compartmentalize, put time resitrictions on, hold onto, hold out from this whole thing that either is or isn't love? And let's just go with the fact that it is love because that just so happens to be my preference because it makes me feel good. What is so scary about love that we have made it one of the most difficult things to do? Or apparently 'recover from'. Love is love, hurt is love, when you move beyond all the crap you've decided to throw on top of love; about how it looks, how it feels, how it talks to you, how you talk to it; you'll see that it's really very simple. It's love...and it's love that allows you to see beauty, that allows you to see hurt, that allows you to feel anger, sadness, joy and excitement.

What fascinates me at this very moment is that I am watching someone have the experience of holding back love for fear of being embarassed and hurt and humiliated, when in actuality if that person were to simply embrace the fact that they are capable of love and give it anyway, they would open themselves up to futher love, like I am doing in response to that experience I am a part of.

When you see the world through the eyes of love, it unfolds before you in an entirely different way...

Monday, August 9, 2010

Carry That Weight

This is the time of my life when I am supposedly having the time of my life, marrying friends off, welcoming surrogate nieces and nephews into the world and finding my place in this world; Sort of like the birthright of 20-somethings. And I have married friends off and become the extra 'Auntie', and yet sometimes I feel I haven't done 'enough', I haven't been there when they needed me, like I've let them down.

Why on earth would I feel that way?! Is it because I'm totally engulfed in this whole idea of creating my future and finding a job/career/lifestyle that is fulfilling and makes me happy? I suppose it might be...every day, every action, every thought now goes through a filter... 'Is this what I want? Does this express who I am? Is this serving me in this moment?' Geezus... talk about exhausting sometimes! When do I have time to just LIVE!

Please understand that I chose this for myself. I'm choosing to build solid foundations for my life so I understand this is part of the process (I'm allowed to express my frustration though! I am human). I also understand that every choice I make I am responsible for because I am consciously creating my reality. Some days though, I look at people's pictures and I see all the smiles, all the groups of friends together, all the love and wonder what I'm missing out on by paving my own path. Maybe I'm not missing out on anything; maybe people look at my pictures and see the same things and wonder what they're missing out on by paving their own path. We're all exactly who we are supposed to be right now, where we are supposed to be right now and doing exactly what we're supposed to be doing right now. It's all in perfect order.

And yet there's an overwhelming part of me that feels like I've missed out on all 'those moments' by doing my own thing. And then again, I know there are people feeling like they've missed out on 'my moments'. Would I do anything different? No. So why then do I feel the need to have other people's experiences? That's their life... Why is it that, for me, what I have seems to just fall short of what I want. I want it all! I suppose that if I want it all, I've also got to be willing to let it all go. That statement actually makes sense to me. I've let go of a great deal in the last few years in the sense that I'm no longer clinging to it as if my life depended on it, it's no longer a part of my identity. And yet, there's always another step to take, another depth of letting go to explore, another level of becoming unattached to everything I'm holding on to.

There are so many levels of 'deep' it cannot be explained. Or maybe there's just one level that keeps getting bigger. Who knows. What I do know is that the deeper I go, more profound ideas are revealed and my wisdom takes on greater meaning in my heart. I just wonder if, in this infinite Universe, there is a point at which clarity opens to us like a meadow over a peak and eternal sunshine showers our every cell forever and ever. Maybe we find that place when we die, or maybe we create it within ourselves whenever we're ready to take that step. I just know that every time I think I've found it....there's yet another peak to climb and gorge to navigate. I suppose it's time to change that story.

Don't get me wrong Universe, I am very happy with the life I am creating, my question remains though, "Why Me!!!!" I'm feeling a bit like that kid in elementary school who gets picked to do everything because they're the 'repsonsible one' and 'they can handle it'. Why do I have to do all this 'inner work' when it seems like no one else in my circle of friends (that term is very subjective) has to do it?! Why did I choose this?! Sometimes I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders! I need help man! I don't know how to do all of this on my own....well I do, however, I need help remembering! Here's my cry for help, for resources, for support, for MONEY for God's sake! Give me a friggin' clue here...

It's one thing for you to ask for help and quite another for you to receive it...unconditionally...

Point taken...
I am open to expressions of letting go of the way in which the Universe decides to help me. So Be It.

I'm still frustrated though...for now. You think you're so smart with your one liners..... :P
Thank you.

With Time and Space

Since I've been home from Wizard I've had what I might describe as 'withdrawl' and it's expressing itself as loneliness. It's fairly common after spending a week in amazing amounts of positive, transformational energy with positive and transformational people! It's also a great opportunity to create positive and transformational space for I am realizing.

The disconnect I have been feeling as been with nature, or so I thouuht. It only took me an afternoon to realize that it was now time for me to create the contact and connection I had been missing outside of camp. One would think I would have learned that when I first started taking all these courses... well, lets just say I understood that on a conscious level, but only now am I embodying and integrating that into my life.

So the question was, "What to do now?"
The answer was, "Why DO anything?"
The response to that was, "Ok, what do I want to express, how do I want to express myself?" And the response to that was a whole lot of creativity!

My blog has been sitting here stagnant for quite some time (in my eyes at least) and all of the sudden I revamped it and started writing again. That gets me juiced up about life! I'm creating again! Not only that, but I've also decided to express myself as the comfort I've been wanting so I've watched TV, I've watched like 7 movies, I've eaten ice cream and pizza and more ice cream and just indulging in what I normally wouldn't allow myself to indulge in. I've also gone to the beach, which was difficult for me. For some reason I felt compelled to sit in front of my computer for a few days before I decided that whole connection to nature I'd been wanting was not being fulfilled inside!

It was at the beach today where I realized this whole connecting to nature thing was actually about connecting to me! No watch, no real sense of being anywhere but 'there' and what to do. Sleep, play in the sand, errr, rocks, swim, sleep, read? No... create! I did do all the other things too, but when I allowed myself to connect to Me and create, it was as if time and space did not exist. Well they don't really, but that's another post. So I sat there on the beach the last two days and created and when it was time for me to leave, I just had an urge to pack up and go. This in opposition to the "I think I should go soon" and the "Ok I think it's time to go, I don't know what else I can possibly do out here" that my mind kept throwing at me. So by allowing myself to get out into nature I learned that it's all about connecting to Me. And nature seems to be the conduit that gets me there these days and for that I am greatful as I was able to rock out and revamp some of the Guardian Penants I've been working on for a while.

This week has been a beautiful reminder to embrace the time and space I have as it has allowed me to create some great things. It's good to 'put out' when all I've been doing is 'taking in'. There is an overwhelming sense of stillness and being when creations emerge elegantly and without effort when the time is right and the person is willing.

Here's to an empty house, and open beach and sunny weather :)

Where do you connect?

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Boundaries and Abundance

Becoming aware of the abundance in your life is a huge step towards receiving more; so is becoming aware of what you do with that abundance and who you become when it arises. Do you put up walls to push it away? Do you find ways to minimize it and tell yourself you need to get rid of it because it can't ALL be for you? Or do you simply enjoy it and play it in for a while before allowing the flow of life to wash up yet another wave of abundance your way?

I discovered today that I do indeed enjoy it for a very minimal amount of time before I put up walls and set boundaries about what from it I can take, what I am 'allowing' myself to participate in and how it is to look in the end. I've also discovered that I, just like everyone else on the planet, am a lunatic when it comes to matters of the mind. What a tricky little bugger he is, wanting you to believe that you HAVE to do something about it right away and make all the stuff that doesn't fit disappear. Yes, this varies depending on the type of abundance you are recieving. If it's all negative you most certainly want to understand how you are attracting it and remember what it is you truly deserve in this amazing lifetime. And yes, this is context specific.

If I were talking about money here, ideally you'd manage it. In my case (no need to keep beating around the bush) it is the abundance of attention I've been receiving. I had someone tell me I was hot the other day! It's not the first time I've heard it, but it was the first time I allowed it to land and allowed myself to feel, well, hot! Over the last few days that compliment has filtered its way through my being and opened up a whole new way of looking at myself. Not just as hot, but as powerful, confident, attractive in a charismatic and energetic way and a 'damn she's hot' way, strong, loving, fun and joyful.

I wondered why I hadn't embodied these qualities before and it dawned on me that I've been playing by old rules. I've been hiding behind self-imposed and voluntarily applied rules and contexts as well as loads of garbage conditioning about embracing my power and allowing myself to be seen as me fully.

I also had this ephiphany last week at Wizard camp while krewing that it's time to allow for more connection. I've been very happy to keep people at arms length away and I've been very happy to keep myself even a bit further away from them, which ties in so nicely with my false boundaries and how to attract more abundance into my all areas of my life. It's easy to back away and say, "Time to move on" yet when that little tug keeps pulling you back for more connection, for deeper connection, denying it is only going to prolong the struggle. What you resist persists... I suppose on some level, this blog is a way to keep myself disconnected as I could just as easily be having this conversation with a person over coffee, yet I'm not.

Every part of my body is restless at the moment. The quieter I make my mind and my being, the more restless it gets. It's telling me to wrap it up with something quirky and cute. And the truth is, I have no idea how to do it any other way... and that's OK because soon enough I will have another way as yet another wave of abundance will wash upon my being with new information to take in and let go of and deeper connections to be made. So Be It.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

Double Life

It dawned on me a month ago that in some ways I've been living a double life. The life of Me at home in Ontario and the life of Me outside of that, which at the current moment happens to be BC.

It brings up the question for me of, "Have I really allowed myself to fully show up no matter where I am?" And I believe the answer is no. If I were to allow shades of grey for that answer, I have come a long way and yet there is still some integration that is occurring daily. Can one ever really be oneself or not, for that matter? Or is that a redundant question?

If you live by the philosophy that everything happens for a reason and that reason is there to serve me, then I suppose it doesn't really matter anyways because who I am in the moment is exactly who I am supposed to be for whatever specific purpose I am to serve. And then that brings me to a deeper level of that question. Am I consciously creating myself in every moment or am I allowing myself to be swayed by the exteriors; or is that just a part of who I am anyways?! I am everything and nothing at the same time. I am you and you are me and we are all connected therefore it is possible at times that we can be something other than ourself, which in reality is an illusion in and of itself isn't it?

I suppose that although we are all of the same energy that we each have an individual 'essence' of who we are. Take tomato plants for example. There is an essence of the plant as a species, which to me is robust, juicy, plumb and delicious (even though I only just started liking tomatoes) and then there's an individual essence of every tomato and tomato plant. Some are a little shy, others are loud and big and some just do what they do and produce tomatoes.

I suppose its all good so long as there is awareness and recognition of the disconnect as well as the connectedness to it all. Sometimes I wonder what part of me comes up with all of this...and then again, it really doesn't matter does it.... ;)

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Being Honest

"Oh wow" he says as he walks beside her window with a huge smile on his face. "How are you?" she says flattered with a smile. She looks away, waiting for a break in traffic as she hears a tap on her window. She giggles as he points to himself with a "would you like some of this?" look on his face. She shrugs her shoulders and shakes her head "No". He says, "ok cya". And they both part ways with a smile on their face.

Now let me see here. I'm pretty sure this scenario could have played out a variety of different ways. She could have said, "ok" even though her first reaction to this person was not that of attraction to them. He could have kept walking and been fantasizing about her for years thinking she was the one. But what happened was two people met at an intersection. He followed through on his gut feeling of "Oh wow" by verbalizing it. She followed through with her blushing and acknowledgement of his comment with "How are you". Simple enough. He saw an opportunity and said to himself, 'what have I got to lose' and tapped on the window to see if she was feeling the same. She wasn't and made no attempt to communicate otherwise. They both moved on, no hearts were 'broken', no pride or dignity lost, he took a chance and she listened to her truth.

They both took risks by following their intuition and it turned out fine. Another magic moment. Another opportunity given to trust yourself. Another moment to say yes to YOU!

If you think you've got something to lose, you've already lost it... it is always an opportunity for you find the truth for you.

"The world is all gates, all opportunities, strings of tension waiting to be struck." ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Magic in the Forest

The words to describe my experience at Wizard Camp in Squamish this summer (last week) can really only be expressed as silence with a smile. Some experiences require no words, this would be one of them. BUT I am going to share some insights as I just finished reading my older posts from my original attendance at Wizard camp as well as the one I krewed last summer in Squamish.
My perception of who I am has become more grounded and more embodied within my being, my wisdom comes from a deeper place of inner knowing and understanding rather than the surface of the beginnings of exploration and my gratitude for the opportunity to experience these amazing transformations of both participants and myself comes from a place of purpose of being rather than a reason to serve.
My take home lessons to work with from last week have to do with deeper connection with myself and others, with letting go of carrying the world on my shoulders, with allowing flow to flow and letting it go and with embracing my greatness on all the levels I am currently aware of and in all areas of my life.

In reading my past blogs, the biggest difference that I personally noticed, was the depth of my experience. With every camp I allow myself to open further, to surrender a little more and go a little deeper into the essence of life and the Universe. It can be sprinkled with growing pains, as my last week was, or it can be a breeze, like the previous two. Rest assured the work done on myself and on others has been, indeed, to bring awareness to this world with love and compassion and joy.

And what has only just caught my attention is that I still inhabit the same body yet the depth of my sould has expanded thousand fold! :D I still get to be fun and rowdy and mischevious all the while knowing my true essence is all of that AND MORE! I think I'm having one of the biggest epiphanies I've ever had right now, in the middle of this post! I'm in awe...........

So Be It to all the Wizards (and the Universe) that reside within each and every one of us ;)