I do my best to refrain from using the word 'bored' because there are a million things one could do...believe me, my mom tells me this all the time! It's not so much that there aren't things for me to do, it's that I choose not to do them.
Working for a company that had me on the go all the time never gave me a chance to be bored and when I had the down time I WANTED to be bored and recharge. I've found over the last months, having not worked and been fairly restricted to my immediate geographic area due to family situations, that previous practice probably wasn't the best kind of practice to have because I think I have made it a habit!
Life actually is quite good rather than boring. I've had a road filled with potholes and speed bumps since 2014 rolled around, yet when I take a step back. Life is good. I could be really happy if I chose to be! I could feel super fit if I used my gym membership as often as I had planned to. Here's the reality though...things being good (for me) has gotten boring so I have managed to create emotional drama in my life. Things are good so instead of making them better or maintaining them I've somehow decided it was better to make them appear or at the very least FEEL worse! HOW FASCINATING!!!!!
Did I subscribe to some kind of programming that said, "You aren't working therefore you need to be really dramatic and emotional and go through some major changes". Is this what I do to myself? Invent chaos so that I can feel something, experience some dynamics, express myself??? If that's the case perhaps I should take up a drama class!
I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that reason is there to serve me. The timing of everything is always perfect. Perhaps the universe wasn't thinking about whether I'd be dramatically assessing all the nuances of every experience conspiring to knock me down, but rather, it was looking out for me and assuming this girl needs time and space to process shit, and since she can't do it while she works, it's going to have to wait until she takes some time away. :) Maybe....just maybe....
It's good I can look bad and have a chuckle and sigh some relief.
Back to that girl who needed time and space to process shit.
For the first time in 5 months I felt alive. Chasing a herding dog in a big back yard, hearing the crunching ice under my boots, feeling the cold air in my lungs and stinging my cheeks and having nothing in my head except for the thoughts of which stick I would race him to in hopes I would arrive first to throw it so I could chase him again. I felt joy. I felt peace. I felt reconnected.
That feeling of life was so subtle, but so noticeable that my goal is to make sure I feel that every day.
I know these blog posts haven't been entirely insightful or revealing the last while. That's ok. It's my blog :) . I am grateful for the space to share, that people read and also if what I have shared was even a source of a smile. Life isn't always great, but it isn't always bad either. Understanding how I create the bad has been a huge awareness I am still practicing. Thank you for standing around me and supporting. It is deeply respected and appreciated.
Much love. xo