I headed back to Ontario this past weekend to stand up in my friend Jessie's wedding. It was absolutely beautiful, minus the 85km/hr winds the night of the rehearsal dinner (well that was beautiful too, but in a 'holy the force of Mother Nature' sort of way). The rain held off during the ceremony and pictures and a rainbow graced us the entire time!
I had an absolute blast, as per usual, spending time with my girlfriends catching up, getting all dolled up and dancing the night away. Unfortunately one of our girls couldn't make it to the wedding and it wasn't the same without her, but we aren't much for slowing down so we kept her updated via BBM (BlackBerryMessenger- I learn something new every day!) with photos and messages.
The last time I returned home in the summer I wrote about feeling like I was living a double life and I still feel that way, however I've begun to understand it's purpose a little bit better now, or at least I think I do. When I go home I'm Kelly. I'm fun, outgoing, the adventurer, but above all, I'm just Kelly. Well not 'just' Kelly, but when I'm there I have no expectations of myself, I don't beat myself up about not doing things right or when I feel they should be done, I just do my own thing and that's all everyone expects of me, including me! For some strange reason this has not translated into my life outside of Ontario. Perhaps that has something to do with 27 years of Ontario living in my cells?
So the fascinating part about all of this is that, yet again, I have realized another way in which I am the only thing standing in my way. I'm the one with all the expectations, all the judgement and ridicule of myself. When I'm talking to people at home they look at me as if I'm crazy, which I am, and yet it's a different crazy, as in "Why do you think so much about what you want to do, why is everything so deep and analytical? Do you ever just live your life?" Haha, here I go analyzing and criticizing...ah, deep breath and smile :)
I realized I have moments. Moments when I am living my life, moments when the analytical side of me is sound asleep and I just go with the flow of life, moments when my mind is completely shut off and the world operates without it. Moments where my mind is working with me for my greater good, and once in a while moments when I'm am 100% accepting of my life as it is and willing to take the next step and the next and the next after that.
I'm very appreciative for the people in my life who bring me back to reality, instantly ground me and knock me out of my head and at the same time are happy to say goodbye and wish me well on my next adventure, whatever it may be knowing that we'll meet up again soon and it will be just as great if not better than the last time! Secretly hoping that I'll actually put some roots down somewhere so they can get out of Ontario to come and visit ME! lol. AND I also appreciate those people who help me to see the greater side of who I can become if I so choose and who always keep me growing beyond who I ever thought I was capable of being yesterday and today and tomorrow.
For me, it has been very easy to get caught up in my own fantastical creations of my very own fairytale (in the sense of purpose and vision coming to fruition) and forget about the real life practicality of it all. "We are spiritual beings here to have a human experience." A useful and recurring reminder for me lately. :) My understanding of that phrase is evolving...yet again!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
I have a critic. It sits in my head and heckles me. Every now and again it applauds, but lately it's been pretty vocal. I must be doing something big for it to be so loud because I don't see any other reason for it to make a peep... It has been bringing up shit for me for the last two weeks; triggered by photos, emails, movies, books and posters. It is having a friggin' heyday at the moment and I've actually caught myself engaging in it's conversations! Silly me!
I just remembered a process I've been taken through, I think 4 times now.... and it wasn't until the 4th time that I actually understood what the heck the purpose of the exercise was and how it actually fell into place. Now I'm not sure if it was my resistance to the process or the voice that was guiding me through the process. God bless that man's soul, for he has brilliant work...and an annoying voice. Anyhow! :)
His whole process is centered around life as a movie and having three distinctly different rows of people in the screening room. So (if I remember correctly) there's the 1st row...and remember this is a metaphor for life and how our mind works...
The 1st row is fully participating in life, they're the lead actors acting out everything that goes on. They are the 'doers' or the doing part of our mind and life.
Then there's the 15th row and in the 15th row is where all the critics sit. And these are the people in your life as well as yourself. They sit and watch the movie, sometimes they get a little over involved and feel the need to throw in their 2 or 20 cents at just the right moment. I think in my life, my inner critic has come leaps and bounds as we learn to work together and as my friend Jon puts it becomes an employee of my heart. :)
Then there's the back row. This is where you and I want to spend most of our time. The back row is the observer. It watches the movie and those participating in it AND it watches the row of critics and just observes, fascinated by what unfolds, by how the first row is so affected by the 15th without the observer's intervention. Because (and this is my own conclusion here) the observers role is to observe and rewrite the script if and when neccessary or desired, rewrite the movie, shift how the 1st row responds to the 15th and show a little more love and compassion to the critics because they are seeing the entire picture from a completely different perspective.
So I'm understanding a little differently now, about removing myself from the situations I am creating in my mind and looking at it from a distance. I am feeling less of the anxiety I was before writing this and I'm still wondering when the girl in my movie is going to realize what I see in her and become a leading lady in her life! The fascination with this whole post is that that girl is me and I recognize the disconnect yet am unable to see what its going to take to shift it. I suppose what is revealed after the unknown ...? I trust
Thursday, September 16, 2010
I'm in a strangely familiar place as I was almost exactly 4 years ago looking for some work; not sure what I wanted to do, knowing something would come along, but not wanting some crap job I was going to hate. I had recently graduated from university, I was 'looking for a job in my field' and losing faith really quickly. Fortunately and divinely guided, a job as a kinesiologist came my way and it was beautiful. It was a part of my journey that brought me to where I am today.
As I walk up and down West 10th almost daily, my inner teenager (which to me is my free spirit at this point) and the responsible adult continue to have their disagreements and I'm ok with that. They may always disagree and then again, perhaps they'll come to some sort of agreement where they can both be happy. One agreement I have made with both of them is that I am choosing to work right now. I'm taking out resumes and applying for 'jobs' because that's the choice I want to make right now. There is something for me to remember. Perhaps its that I'm better off working for myself, or perhaps its that I am always in service regardless of the context I am a part of. Or maybe, just maybe it's that I am capable of creating a life that involves work and all the fun stuff I've brought into my life.
I'm understanding this entire 'creation' process on an different level. I trust myself, I trust the knowledge and the wisdom I have received and continue to receive. I'm a paving a path for myself that is unlike any other because it is mine and that's all that matters in this/my world is that I live my life in integrity with who I am. This is in opposition to what most of us are taught knowingly and unknowingly.
Jane and Mary (the lovely ladies I am staying with) are a part of a group they call 'Women Who Launch'. Of course it was synchronistically created by buying and selling of homes and casual conversation between women in transition. So naturally the group was informally created and meets once a week. Jane, in her motherly yet detached 'you should come with me' way got me to tag along. This week was my second week and I'm loving it. I get to listen to the wisdom of women older than me, from different walks of life and in very similar, yet different places in their lives. As well, I get to share my wisdom and gifts with them and provide a different perspective occasionally. Relationships, jobs, life and death, working through our crap and finding our purpose are all central to our conversations and our shares. And it's so very supportive in a loving and ass-kicking way.
This week quite a bit of stuff came up for me about my motivations for working, the long term purpose for making money, where my own stubbornness has held me back from experiencing the life I am in the process of creating. In the end it boiled down to living a life of MY choosing, free of judgement and criticism and unconditional love and acceptance for all that I want to be regardless of what that looks like on the outside and the process it may or may not take to get there. And as I wrote earlier about my inner teenager being my free spirit, I'm choosing to change that because my free spirit doesn't have any concern with what I do so long as I am happy and have the freedom to experience my life the way in which I have envisioned and begun to create it. The inner teenager is actually the part of me that is scared to make choices for herself, scared of what others (in particular those in her family) will think/say of her fully knowing that in her reality, it does not matter because it is her life and that they'll all be supportive anyway. Perhaps that part of me is also scared of falling and the 'I told you so'. Again, it doesn't matter because it is my life. When I fall down, I get back up; I keep going.
In the meantime, in the creation process, I have put my resume out and will continue to attract opportunities for income so that I can continue to grow in all the areas of my life while still pursuing an exploration of myself in this context of the working world. It is quite the adventure!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
In this part of the world, where we have a million choices we can choose to make daily, my most recent has been, "Where in Vancouver do I want to live?"
Since the first time I came out to Vancouver, I've been drawn to Kitsilano. I bought my second pair of lululemons there :) (As if that's a sign!) It has a certain appeal to it. It's lively yet relaxed and somewhat quiet, it's family oriented with a youthful flair, it's trendy if that's what you're into and if not that's OK too. I don't know if the natives of Kits would say that, but Oh Well. It's clean and sunny and the energy here is free and open. It's just a place I always find myself.
Then there's the place I've been totally unattracted to, which is East Van; Commerical Drive and Main Street. Although I've had a tea and cinnamon bun out there, it has never ever called to me. I found myself out there the other day as I met up with a guy about editing a script he's working on. (Like I said in my last post, hands in many cookie jars...) I walked all the way up Commerical Drive. I like that it was alive in that 'starving artist' sort of way with street music and creative types all over. Yet something didn't fit. Probably because starving artist is just another story and right now, I'm not into stories. I'm into powerful and conscious creation of my reality. Anyhow.
I walked into a used book store, as I often do and asked the lady where she lived. She said, "I'm between Kits and here" so I asked her where she would choose to live and she said East Van. I could honour that and then she gave her reasons why... and I'm paraphrasing here.
Kits is nice in the summer with all the patios and the beach, but it's boring otherwise and it's so trendy with that bit of snobbery that comes with money. East Van is real, it's 'alive' and so much more creative and not the norm. Like no body in Kits smokes and you come here and people smoke! I like that people smoke...it's real! But you might want to ask someone more your age what they think.
I smiled and wished her a great day and then began to ask myself what the hell that actually meant!!! Based on my perceptions of the two areas, I think what she meant was that East Van was real in that grit and grime sort of way, hard work doing your craft. But I really hope she wasn't trying to sell me on the smoking bit. lol. I suppose different strokes for different folks.
Either way as I made my way back across town I slowly began to feel lighter, more at home and more motivated to find a place in Kits than before. I asked myself a question I never thought I'd be asking myself. "In the long run, for what I'm looking to do with my life, what type of people do I want to surround myself with, where am I going to feel the most supported (by myself and others) and where am I going to be happiest living?" At the moment that decision is Kits :) Now it's time to sort out the details! So send all your positive intentions my way that I find what I'm looking for out here in Kitsilano!
And when I have my own place you're all more than welcome to crash with me! :)
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
It has occurred to me recently that sometimes in order to get to where we want to go, we sometimes have to explore where we have been, people we have passed and met, places we have journeyed to. Most of all ideas or dreams we have temporarily set aside. Kind of like plants, the seeds were placed in the soil, the pot was placed in the window sill and the plant was watered, still is watered and the miracle of growth occurs at it's own pace and in it's own time.
Sometimes I forget that the seeds I planted, the dreams and ideas I planted, are still germinating. Having said that, I do see some roots and the possibility of sprouts, yet it's just not quite there yet. After having spent an entire week simply 'being' up in Whistler (and I don't mean hanging out or wandering around- I spent a lot of time just being present in the moment with the constant stream of thoughts in my head as well as my deeper purpose and being) I found I was forgetting about the resources I have at my fingertips, the skills I possess, the support I have from myself, the Universe and people around me...
Sometimes it's not about having tunnel vision. Sometimes, for me, the situation requires me to put my hands in several cookie jars to find the right cookie... the cookie I've been looking for, or rather the cookie that's waiting for me to show up. Maybe that's the feminine way of doing things...then again, maybe not.
At this very moment I am so wide open to all the ways in which I can share my gifts as well as begin to create some sort of financial foundation for myself. I am calling in all of my resources and skills into my being and I am asking for clear direction and support from myself and the Universe to set me on the next leg of the journey; the next step. I would say I have absolutely no idea what that will be because in the reality of being human, I don't; but in the reality of being a spiritual being I know everything my heart desires will come my way; it's just a matter of how, when and in what form.
In a way it's a bit like bungee jumping. I knew I wanted it to be an amazing and powerful experience and for that to happen I just had to get out of the way and jump and in the process watch the amazingness unfold in ways and forms I could have never dreamed of. I've only imagined what it might be like for a bird to fly... I now have an entirely different perception of their freedom :)
This 'place' I'm in at the moment is one of total liberation, total empowerment and endless potential. My job is to step back and do what my spirit is guiding me to do so I can become even more aligned with my Divine purpose on this planet. I really don't know if it could get much better... and yet something tells me it will :)