Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Gone fishin'...

My thoughts and experiences lately have been pretty focused on dating and relationships. When Katie and I got home from the first part of, what I'm sure will be, many more journeys I randomly signed up for an account on Plenty of Fish; the online dating site....the free online dating site.

I really had no idea what to expect from this site. It's kind of scary putting up a profile of you for millions of people to see, let alone read about who you are and what you're looking for. I just knew I had to be myself.

I think I've got a pretty intense profile. I think I'm a pretty intense person when it comes to what I'm looking for and who I am. For the first time in my life I actually feel like I'm beginning to understand myself...even if it's just the start! I was a little worried about guys getting bored with having to read my profile and then I realized if that was the case, they were looking for another woman anyway. Judging by the messages I was getting, guys liked my profile and some found it inspiring, intriguing, a pleasant change from all the others, which led me to believe that I must have done something right. Of course there's always a few sleezey guys who message some generic sentence that makes me laugh and gag and hit delete almost instantly.

But lately I've been enjoying and appreciating the effort, or lack of, that people have put into writing their profiles and selecting their pictures. I was seeing a guy from the site for a little while so I spent a good 3 or 4 weeks away from POF as it's commonly referred to :P . So upon my return I decided just to go with the flow.

Tonight I decided to click on profiles with guys who had the biggest smiles! I want a guy who's got a wicked smile! What can I say?! I found some interesting ones! From photos with guns to cars, to bikes of all sorts, to snowboards and even creepy self-portraits in the bathroom mirrors... :{ it's all there! And every guy is laid back or easy going, happy to go out with friends and party or stay in and watch a movie, loves the outdoors and travelling, into biking and sports. I've seen UFC in nearly every profile I've looked at. There's also a tonne of creative types too who are right into their music or art or cooking. Others are writing or doing some form of design work. Like social media, this site gives you a glimpse, be it small, into other peoples lives. I've definitely concluded that guys aren't picky about what they do. Most of them want to make us women happy and they definitely want us to be upfront and honest with them. "No games!" makes most guys profiles.... I think games are just our way of getting around the fact that we are really looking for someone else and are scared to admit it and voice it for fear of someone getting hurt.

I often wonder though...with the exception of a few...do guys really know what they want or are they just as undecided as most girls? Or better yet, is it a reality that we are unsure of what we want or is that just a game we play with ourselves to keep us safe from risking committment and broken hearts? I've been on both sides of the fence and I'm staying on the risk taking side...there's more to gain....how about you?

Monday, November 16, 2009

I Trust Myself To Stay Present...Damnit!

I really do believe that we are in people's lives for a reason and that most certainly there is some sort of lesson to be learned or value to be gained from every relationship we have.

I realized a bit ago that the guy I was seeing was slowly pulling away and becoming less interested in what we were doing. I was fine with that. I recognized it and allowed it to happen because a part of me knew that I was learning from all of it.

I learned a lot about patience and trusting my intuition. When things weren't panning out as I had hoped my intuition told me that it was alright and everything would be fine (not necessarily in favour of what I wanted, yet fine). Then my mind would kick in with stories about what he might or might not be doing, how me might or might not feel about me. It created some great dramas for me to sort through. As I listened to my mind tell me all sorts of crap I could feel my heart holding strong. Funny that my MOSHOG name at camp was 'Strong Heart'. Perfection!

So I stuck out my storm, getting a hunch that it was going to end rather than progress further and I trusted that and released my attachment to the outcome I had hoped for. 'The truth will set you free'...addenum...'when you're not attached to the outcome'.

So when I heard the words "this isn't going to work out" I sort of laughed. Well no, I was pretty elated and found myself with a giant smile on my face. I had spoken my truth and he had spoken his. All was good until I hung up the phone and realized what I had just done.

I had become so caught up in 'being right' about my intuition that I failed to actually sit with the reality of what had happened and appreciate that moment in time. That moment when I had a chance to FEEL what was going on for me. So not only did I discredit what may have been a difficult thing for him to say by laughing, I robbed myself of experiencing the emotions of the moment. Boy I felt emotions after that...that big one that screams "You were out of integrity by doing that" uuuggghhhh...That one is the worst. When you feel guilty because you know you did something that you know is out of line with your core values and who you are. It's not just 'I feel bad about that' it's 'I've gotta fix that...now!'

I'm committed to truth and understanding. Although I wanted to understand why things were ended, I took myself out of the game before I even had a chance to ask, which stopped me from being able to understand the truth of myself in that situation; the truth of what I really felt and maybe still do feel.

I guess if I understood better where he was coming from it might have been easier for me to accept my place in the whole thing. I still feel a little confused about it all, but I'm certain that my learn about staying present and experiencing every moment was critical to my own growth and might very well be the entire purpose for our meeting. I feel like there still more to come...we'll see.

Now I'm just disappointed I had done so well the entire time and then I reached the finish line and took off, didn't even wait to see the scores or take in the crowd; often the most rewarding part.

Staying present...in the now...a work in progress.

Haha...I'm coming back a few hours after writing this and reading my post 'What's a girl to do?'. Maybe reading this before calling him up might have reminded me to stay present!!! Review review review...

Friday, November 6, 2009

National Novel Writing Month!!!!

I recently started writing a novel for National Novel Writing Month which is a month dedicated to writing an novel of 50,000 words or more. I'm not entirely sure on all the details around what happens at the end of the month. I figure it's only the 6th and I've got plenty of time to read all about that!

In the meantime I'm having a blast writing my novel. I sat down Sunday night before I went to bed and picked up this piece of paper I had written on a few days earlier. I had no idea what it was about, yet it was a sub-story to something. It just sort of came through me at the time.

I sat and wondered what I would write about. One thing that had come to me was a mid twenties girl living a very high paced life in the city. Her mother suddenly passes away and she has to go home to her 'small' hometown and deal with everything from her mother's death to old memories of ex-boyfriends past. I had no idea how it was going to come together.

I picked up that piece of paper and said, "That a part of my story!!" and I started writing. I've been going strong this week pumping about 2-3000 words a day by hand. Something about pen to paper is a must with this. And it's proving to be really good because as I type out the stories after already having written them I get to review them and write notes on new ideas that have come out of the re-read and typing.

I must say that I have been really fortunate with the flow of story. It's like the characters are just there telling me exactly what to write next, exactly how the story is going to unfold. There have been times where I've stopped writing because I didn't want the story to go where I thought it was going to head and their persistence in my head kept me writing into directions I never would have anticipated.

I even came across a particular scene that I didn't want to write because it was somewhat explicit yet I kept writing, allowing my characters to take me where they had been and through to the other side, which in this situation wasn't the outcome I had expected yet I liked it very much. It created a new standard for my character. After writing it I knew I was going to scrap it because of how explicit it was and I realized that I needed to write it in order to understand where my characters were going, and how they progressed from that event.

It's sort of like watching a movie unfold before your eyes, or in this case page, frame by frame. Allowing your mind to create one ending while the words create something even better.

I'm so glad my cousin exposed me to this contest because I've finally found some place to put all that creative energy. I knew I loved writing yet it was always so forced when I had to think about a topic. When I allow it to just flow, magic happens.

Here's to losing yourself in your creative endeavours!