Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Chew 30 x Before Swallowing

Have you ever heard this? Chew your food 30x before swallowing? I remember first hearing it on Full House when Stephanie was teaching her sister to chew properly, or some such context. Food or not, somethings require a bit more chewing than others before they can be fully digested. This goes both for food and food for thought.

"I create the conscious mental equivalent for whatever my HEART causes me to desire"

This statement right here, requires some chewing! When I first read it all I picked up on was HEART and DESIRE. Then I had to do a double take because there are three other words in between those two words that I have never seen before...'Heart CAUSES ME TO desire'...

Now THIS statement, for me, is sooooo powerful because as a firm believer in following my heart and in advising MANY a people to follow their heart, I have come to learn that what I think I desire and what my heart causes me to desire can be two totally opposing things!

To be totally honest, I'm still chewing on this statement because I don't feel I've reached that aha moment of clarity with respect to how this has played out in my life. What I do know is that there have been times when my heart has held me in situations with people or in places I had no previous desire to be in. In the immediate moment, all I wanted was to say 'No Thank you, next' and walk away and yet in every instance, my heart held me there. So instead of resisting my heart, I followed it and it took me to brilliant life lessons, to moments of seeing my greatness, to experiencing my own patience and power and to reaffirming that I am alive. It has been in those moments of letting go of resistance that I have created the conscious mental equivalent to whatever my heart is causing me to desire.

There have been moments when my heart's direction has been so strong that no matter how many reasons for not wanting that I throw in front of it, I cannot move until I accept the direction I am headed and face what is there to be seen or experienced. I have realized that my heart causes me to desire the greatest things for myself and then it also causes me to desire that which may not be perfect so that I can clarify what it is I truly want and need in my life.

In writing this post I have found some clarity and I have also found some peace in the fact that it doesn't matter which path I want, my heart will always put me on the path I need and it's my job to wrap my head around it and accept what is and move forward with new clarity.

Wow....still chewing. Thank you Adam.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

When The Sun Sets

Over the last month or so I have seen a lot of sunsets. They were beautiful with reds, pinks, purples and blues and that glowing ball of sunshine dipping beyond the horizon was a sight to be seen every time. It was peaceful, beautiful and serene every time and even more it eluded to the momentary darkness of night that was upon us. Time to retreat, to relax, to rest and to sleep.

Since I thoroughly enjoy speaking through metaphors...I've recently had my own sunset in my life. I feel as though a part of my life has dipped beyond the horizons of my past to stay there as my past instead of consistently returning to my present. Never say never is what I am told and at times I believe that to be true, but for this particular instance I am choosing to believe that chapter of my being is finito and I am opening, actually writing a new chapter.

I have remembered that people are people and they will do stupid and shitty things to other people. It doesn't make them wrong or right, it just means they do stupid and shitty things. It is at this point I like to call them douchebags...not so much because I really think that deep down, more so because it's the only word that makes me feel better about having had them in my life...and trusting them with my vulnerability and openness. I wonder if they realize that what they do is stupid and shitty or if they just go about their days thinking that their douchy-ness is absolutely acceptable and probably even admired.

Anyhow, I arrived at the point of no return last week on Valentines Day of all the friggin' days in the world to share love, there I was all friggin' constricted and mad at one particular douchebag for being so oblivious to me and my feelings. I'll admit I wanted to be the centre of attention and I ended up not even being a part of the story. So how does one react or respond? Well first, the do I don't I of writing FB messages, texting and commenting on statuses, then the crying and wondering what the fuck I was thinking in the first place, then the anger and sheer disgust, then the remembering of those glimpses of genuine connection that make me think I want to go back there, then the remembering of all the not so nice ways of speaking to me, but just nice enough and light hearted enough to keep me smiling and then the venting to people who don't really care, then venting to people who do really care and then just coming to a place of giving up the entire situation to the greater powers at be. Because quite frankly I've got better things to do than whine over some asshole who thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread. (Hate to break it to ya 'babe' but no...)

THANKFULLY, I am extremely blessed to have presence of mind that I have, the work that I have and the co-workers I have. If it were not for being on the road, seeing some of my best friends every weekend and focusing on helping others rather than how to figure out the best way to deal with a douchebag, I would be crying in my bed wondering what I was thinking, what was wrong with me and why I got left behind. Instead I am laughing out loud, smiling ear to ear and knowing that God just gave me a gift, he saved me from being in a crappy relationship, for lack of better wor, and from making choices that were not in line with what I wanted or what I deserve.

Let me be frank here (I'll still be Kelly though). I am a very easy going person in most areas of my life. I can live simply, I can go with the flow, I can be open to anything and everything because I trust that my life is great and only great things will happen to me no matter what they feel like. And I also have some areas of my life where things just are not how others treat me, how they speak to me and how they act when they are or are not around me. At some point over the last month I gave in a little on those, thinking I needed to be someone I wasn't and all that created was a huge situation that was, guess what....not me and not what I wanted! Things are not negotiable for a reason, they do not serve me, I am not empowered, nor am I truly happy. So I got to choose. I got to choose whether or not I was going to allow this chapter of my life with this person to continue as is or whether it was time to let the sun do it's setting and write a new one.

Fancy this, you get to choose to0! Tired of people treating you like shit, speaking to you as if you know nothing, acting as if you don't exist unless of course it's convenient for them? Then start making those things non-negotiable because quite frankly it's self abuse. It might seem like the other person is abusing you, but really it's you. Just like it was me.

Of course, this particular sun thinks it's allowed to pop back up whenever it wants and shine in my world, and I expect it to do that for quite some time, but I know that once the sun sets, it stays set and follows it's cycle, the sun can't keep popping up and setting as if to hit rewind and replay.

I could say I made a wrong turn, but that's not true, every turn is the right turn because somewhere along that road I realize I need to be on the other road or just a road that isn't this one. Sometimes I can just take a side street, other times I have to go all the way back and turn around. Either way I always get to where I need to be just like the sun always sets.