Thursday, December 23, 2010

Bimini, Beer, Beach...Beauty

Bimini, beautiful, beautiful Bimini. I have done nothing but eat, drink and be merry. Not entirely true, I have been journaling and swimming. But between the Bimini bread and the's hard to much else other than that. Especially yoga.

Until last week I really had no desire to be here. Even on the plane, I had that excited 'I'm going somewhere feeling' but I still wasn't 100% in the game. Oooo, fascinating insights already. I suppose that at some point I felt like I had this whole 'travel' business down and in comparison
to many I do. What I am finding is that my sense of security isn't quite as secure as I would like it to be (beer helps) and at the same time I feel completely at most areas. I think a part of that is because I am here with my Dad.
Someone I look to for security and when he damn well knows I can do things on my own it pushes me a bit outside the comfort zone. Thankfully I'm used to that because he's been doing it my entire life!

Going back to October when I took Sacred Gifts, the gift of cultural integration is a gift I thought I wanted to have. Actually I wanted to think I had it really badly and this trip is revealing to me that I most certainly do not. I am able to integrate easily with people and I have no problems socializing and learning new things, yet that whole integrating into a culture...I'm really not sure that is something I need to have anymore. I'm happy to be who I am and I'm happy to fit in our out wherever I am. I'm glad I have some more clarity around that little gift. I also realized this gift might not be within me when I started watching one of the guys we're here with just totally meld into a group of Biminites playing pool. I smiled because I knew why it was so easy for him to just do it.

I'm the opposite. I'm the encourager so whe
n I'm in new places I wait for people to come to me, or talk to me and that seems to be pretty easy in this area.

In the process of three paragraphs I've understood that I have a commitment issue with Bimini AND that I am indeed a little apprehensive about being in new places with people I don't know. Although, that really only lasted one day because by the end of the first night at the Thirsty Turtle we now knew most of the people on the north end of the south island. Dimaggio, my new Bimini BFF has got my back and THAT makes me feel good. To be honest, I'm sure most of them would have my back so long as I wasn't the one instigating the trouble....I encourage...never instigate. lol

Another thing I have learned in the last two days being down here is silence is golden, especially when there is little of it being in a condo with three 24yr old guys. I can't blame them though, I was exactly the same way! Being in the moment, listening and having fun above all, letting the guards's a good thing.
As we've finally settled in we're looking forward to getting out on the water. I still have two full weeks here. It may or may not fly by, but if the last two days are any indication it will flow absolutely at the right pace and bring all sorts of treasures real and imagined.

Have an amazing holiday! Merry Christmas from Bimini! xoxoxo

Saturday, December 18, 2010

Truth or Beer

I knew I was in for something special when a last minute plan fell into place effortlessly and I was having deja vu sitting there watching the band play. Those to me are two key elements of confirmation that I'm exactly where I'm supposed to be :)

Three pints of inhibition last night led me to a very sobering realization of something going on inside of me. I realized the truth of just how deep one of my wounds is. In that moment I was a bit slow to realize the words that had just left my mouth, but upon recollecting the conversations of the night it was plain as day what I said and why I said it.

I have some healing to do. I made a new aquaintance named Jason. Upon our introduction...this is what I said...very matter of factly "Did you say your name is Jason?" ("yes") "Oh, I'm glad it's not Paul." ?!?! Seriously, tell me what you really think Kelly!

Thankfully he was humourous about it and just as quick as my thoughts escpaed my mouth we were on another topic.

That little occurance was eye opening. Writing the name is a stretch for me. It is admitting that he still exists somewhere within me. It's admitting that he held a place in my heart. And it's admitting that I still have some hurt going on, actually, maybe a bit more than a little. It's understanding what David Deida says about having a man-shaped void when we are no longer in relation to that person.

And to be quite honest, I'm OK about it. I can feel the depth of it yet it's a place that needs space to heal. It's a place that needs me to move forward with other adventures with new people and new love. It feels safe for me to leave it be and that is a good thing.

I know, the people in my life are on purpose for me, just as I am for them. It's a pleasant surprise when events transpire and bring people together in the most unexpected ways...


Friday, December 17, 2010

Dawn Treader

I'm switching up my content a bit here in that I'm going to talk about something other than yoga today. I'll give a quick recap of yesterdays practice though. It was boring. Or maybe I was boring. Or maybe I'm feeling boring right now. It's that nasty stuff that I'm sitting with right now. Another new instructor, I stood right up at the mirror and it was 'Hot Flow'...My mind was all over the place when we were in savasana and lying still and while in poses it was entirely focused on my screaming body. From my back to my knees and that tight spot in my left shoulder blade. I got up and left right after the session ended as opposed to laying there for 5-10mins and just relaxing. Two things popped into my head, I need a bit of a break from yoga (or at least this kind of yoga) or I need to figure out when the instructors I like are teaching. To be honest I think it's a bit of both.

But anyways, the other day I went and saw Chronicles of Narnia: Voyage of the Dawn Treader. Here's the trailer

I had seen a preview for it somewhere...then passing by a bus stop this week I saw that beautiful lions head. It was as if Aslan himself was calling me to the movie. There is something majestic about that lion. Funnily enough, when I was in New Zealand we went to a park where they had lots of big cats and the lion that was used in the movie as well as to create Aslan (in the digital sense) lived there. His name was Zion. I just scoured my FB profile to find the picture I have of him and mysteriously the entire albumn has disappeared.
There were maybe 8 of us in the theatre (it was a noon show) so I scooted all the way to the top behind everyone else and enjoyed the show. I was in awe from the moment it started to the moment it ended. I only just made the connection between myself and my love for a good fantasy/fairytale story or movie. Knights, dragons, princesses, kings and queens. Talking lions and mice...or perhaps it's a ship with pirates or a tale of chivalry in ancient England. I love fantasy! It was a very little piece of the puzzle, but it explains so much about who I am, and what I'm drawn to writing, not to mention how it sounds in my head before it makes it to paper or the computer. Poetic at times, truthful and urgent at other times. Just like a good fantasy.
Beyond the fantasy land that I live in...and am creating daily :) there is such an underlying spiritual and universal message that runs through all these movies. There are two speeches in the movie that made my heart burst open, my body flood with goosebumps and a smile spread from ear to ear. Reepicheep is one wise mouse...
There are few movies that I bolt to the theatre to watch, this would be one of them. Like I said, that poster at the bus stop called me in. That majestic lion in all its glory with the blue background. By the way lions are a symbol of courage and strength, cunning power and pride. The lion is one of those animals that seems to have followed me throughout my life...I'm greatful for that.
As I walked to the bus stop on those Vancouver streets I seemed so out of place, as if I was in my own movie. Armed with my invisible sword, I knew I'd be alright. And then I realized I was in Vancouver...not Narnia. But in my life, in my world, it's all one in the same on some level...between my dreams and my reality, sometimes I wonder where one ends and the other begins.
Maybe one day I'll be in a bus stop and I'll be transported to another never know! I've been waiting for someone to master teleportation for years now... ;)

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Learning from the Nasty Stuff

9 days of hot yoga...might seem like a little, might seem like a lot. It was niether for me, it just was... On day 10 it was very clear to me that my body was asking for a break. I 'thought' I might make a late class and still my body said 'Nope' and so I surrendered to that. I went and had tea, mailed some letters, went to Banyan books and read a book about yoga...

I was practicing in a different way. I was reading a book that looked at the mechanics of yoga, the anatomy of each pose and how the physics of it all worked to benefit the body. I was enthralled. I was learning yoga in a different way....a way I still understood. I was going back to my education in Kinesiology and remembering the functions and areas where muscles and ligaments insert and originate. And I was bringing another element of depth to my practice.

I went to bed happy, tired, but happy and yesterday when I woke up I knew I had a lot to do, but that I would make it to yoga. My body was saying yes. It was also saying, "It's not about making classes Kelly, it's about knowing that yoga is always with you and that physically practicing it is only one part of it. Your body is ready for it again, go when it feels right." And so I ended up back on my mat at the 8:15pm class and sensing that something different was about to happen. All my instructors had participated in the previous class which left me to wonder who was teaching mine.

And then I heard the voice, a MALE voice, welcoming me to practice. Immediately I felt like 'ugh, where are the girls?' and as he continued to talk for what seemed like forever (because I was resisting him being there) I could feel my frustrations rising and my distain for him being anywhere near the class. Talk about having a gift of Spiritual Challenge. He was himself and by being that he pushed my buttons, in a good way of course. Made me wonder if I have the same effect on people with my gift of Spiritual Challenge when I am in a leadership/teaching role. It took me a few poses to get over the fact he was challenging me by simply being himself and teaching how he was teaching but once I did and surrendered to his class oh boy did stuff start to come up.

One phrase that keeps repeating itself to me is "Open your heart". The instructors have been saying it in the poses and it's been a message for me for the last few months in regards to just being in general. Last night as I was shining my heart up to the ceiling it felt SO constricted, like my heart wanted to beat out of my chest, like my ribcage couldn't hold everything that was trying to break free and slowly, on the verge of tears, with the help of the guy (whose name I still don't know) and his instructions to soften our faces, maybe even smile, bring palms to heart centre in prayer and BREATHE I was able to let go of all that was coming up and allow it to move through me.

I ended my practice very greatful that he had taught it. I needed someone who cared enough to call out the bullshit I tell myself while we're in there...without even realizing it. I wonder if he intends to do that or if it just comes naturally to him. Kind of like me, stating the obvious which is not so obvious for everyone because of the stories we tell ourselves. Cut to the crap, get to the truth, be honest...something I think I've been neglecting to do for myself on the level on which I want to do it.

That takes practice and it takes courage, to sit in the truth of who you are, where you are and where you think you should be. It can be a nasty place. But all that nastiness is powerful. When I sit in it and with it and be it I recognize the untrue parts of who I am, the false personas living out, the ego calling for attention. Sometimes there's emotional release, other times it just fades into the days as they pass and on the other side of that nasty place is beauty, transformation, butterflies and sunshine. We all go there, to both's who we are when we are there that matters. That is what allows us to become who we want to become. It is what allows us the space to shine and be great. It's where we find our deepest power and strength.

Sit with the nasty stuff...for a little while. See what it can bring about for might just be surprised.

Monday, December 13, 2010

Yin and Yang

I would say that yoga in and of itself is a very Yin practice and within that there is a lot of Yang. I didn't realize this until I attended the 'Yin class' last night. It was a great practice of finding stillness amongst all sensations. My intention going in was 'forgiveness' mostly for myself.

We sat in poses, more like stretches for what seemed like an eternity in each one. Each stretch taking a part of me to total resistance, to peace, to new understanding of being safe in my body, safe in my world. The stretches focused on the hips, which is an area that takes on all sorts of emotions, so it was no surprise to me when my solar plexus starting talking to me last night before I went to bed. Emotions rising into the emotional centre....ya think there are some links here?! And I say that to make people aware that our bodies, our energies and their centres....ALL CONNECTED, all working together to help us heal and become conscious and aware again.

What that yin practice taught me was that I am safe, there is no need for me to hold on to the known or unknown, and when I let go I can find my peace, wherever I am.

Then this morning at 4:44am when I opened my eyes I thought it was just another one of those mornings. I acknowledged the sequence of numbers, said thank you for the sign and closed my eyes again...for all of 10mins before I realized, there was no going back to sleep. So I checked out the schedule for yoga, checked if there was a bus and dragged my ass to the 6:30am yoga session. The crazy part is that dragging my ass isn't entirely true. Yes I was tired and didn't really want to walk all the way to the bus stop, but that feeling like on Saturday about needing to be at the 2pm session was there again. I had to make the 6:30 session. So I went. Note to self- you know you're listening to your intuition when you get out of bed before 6 to catch a bus to yoga.

I'm glad I went. It was the yang to the yin. The perfect contrast between the two with all the Warrior poses and balance poses and flow sequences...ah yes and the sweat! It was also good for me to go because my practice was entirely different today than it had ever been. My body has adjusted itself and what used to be super easy has now become challenging. My body isn't flexing and stretching like it did last week. There are new limitations that I can feel in my hips. Neither good nor bad. I look at it as good because it means my body is healing something. And as stiff as I was I was greatful it was early because I really allowed myself to be where I was in that moment because I had nothing else to give. I was half asleep.

So my practice wasn't great in terms of what I know I am capble of, but it was great in terms of allowing myself to be where I am and to be happy with that. To know that I have room for improvement, that rest is essential and that being human means being dynamic, always changing is a priceless pearl. In its application I can see that I come across roadblocks because I am growing and expanding. I can stress out or I can just be and work through it or around it. Kind of like railways through mountains....ya think those might have been a bit of a roadblock for the construction of those rails? I'm sure at some point they were, but they relaxed and figure out how to go through them or around them. Or both!

The icing on the cake though was when I went to catch the bus and made my own day! Last night at the bus stop at W4th and Alma, the glass was all fogged up...and I was I wrote all sorts of uplifting comments and quotes. THEY WERE STILL THERE THIS MORNING! I got to walk out into the, now awake world, and see my happiness shared on the bus stop glass. I wonder if anyone else saw it? Who cares...I did and it made my day! I'd do it all over again if that's all it takes to make my morning bright! ;)

What lit up your day today?

Saturday, December 11, 2010


The definition of resolution is just about as simple as resolution itself... ie not so 'defined' as it has many contexts. See here...

Simple enough for me though, was to make that my intention on my mat today at another 'Flow' session. By simply opening to my 'situation' becoming resolved there was an even greater opening for me to release some unneeded energy. Esme took us through class today and before class, they usually read a quote for us to take into our practice with us if we wish. This is the first time for me, where we started practice with meditation before beginning and she read EXACTLY what I needed to hear to let go of some emotions.

Our Deepest Fear - Marianne Williamson

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."

I could feel the tears welling up, the lips beginning to pout and my chest and throat getting tight. 'Breathe Kelly, breathe.' I have heard that quote at least 30 times...even heard Marianne herself say it! And today, sitting in that hot room on my mat, my eyes closed, I heard it as if it was spoken JUST for me, as if my guides were screaming it in my ears. (They were!) I felt it.

It was an interesting practice. I fell out of poses left and right, sat out and rested, got put into new poses that contorted me like a pretzel and I had fun! Esme played music, which of course hit me in that soft spot a few times and brought more tears, but amidst the sweat, I couldn't differentiate between the two anymore!

My hips have been liberated to some degree. They don't feel quite so bound by all those muscles holding me together and my back is thanking me for listening to my body today and resting when I needed to and laughing when the core series became too ridiculous, but most of all my being and body is thanking me for trusting that it had to be the 2pm class so I could let go and bring about resolution to whatever is unresolved in my life.

At the end of class, sitting there in savasana, soaking in my sweat and all my efforts she repeated the Marianne Williamson quote (tears again) and played this...and I melted into a smile. Ray Lamontange... mmm. (I thought I might just attach the vid to the clip...make it easy:) ) There are few words that express how safe, loved and at home I felt in those moments.

It's all I needed to hear to know that everything is fine, everything is taken care of, I just need to relax and remember that I'm not alone, none of us are because whether we see it or not we are surrounded by love and that is all that matters.
I was sure to thank her for bringing that quote to practice today and she said it called out to her so strongly today and she knew she needed to share it. I called on her to speak another dimension of course. "It was because of me," I said "I needed to hear exactly that in that moment, thank you for trusting." So many them, they may just help to heal the person in the room with you :)

Friday, December 10, 2010

Day 56...I mean 5 and 6

I'm blaming the upcoming solstice and the planetary alignment on my body feeling as though everything is blending into one day, one practice, one huge desire to curl up and hibernate.

Yesterday I had a beautiful day. Had an energy treatment in the AM with Mary, then ate lunch and went to Starbucks to read and hang out for the afternoon before going to yoga. I went to the mall the other day to visit my friend Jessica and at Forever 21 (fav store ever in case you didn't already know that) I bought a beautiful little ring. Except that it's not little at all. The price was little, but
it's actually a big ring :) Anyhow, I wore that ring out to Starbucks. Most people by these kinds of things and wear them out to special, no I go to Starbucks! And ya know what, every day is a special occasion so why not! I felt absolutely Divine wearing this ring and drinking my mocha.
I journaled for a bit before I opened up to the rest of my book and all I could write about was how amazing I felt. How beautiful I felt even with my hair pulled back, no make up and my glasses in tights and a long sleeve shirt. I was really dressed down by most standards, with the exception of my boots, ring and scarf ;) and yet I felt absolutely brilliant! Why do I think this is? Well 1) I am 2) I've been taking care of ME and committing to love and better understand ME! It's great!
When it came time to go, I went a few stores down to Wind Mobile, my cell carrier and gave Caesar, the rock star sales associate I had a gift AND he told me about a new plan coming up that's the same price as my current one but with way more features! LOVE THIS GUY!
So needless to say I arrive to yoga on a high note and left on one too. Emma...let's call her Curly Locks is a bit like me. 'Deepen into your pose...or not, it's all up to you, this is your practice, this is your life, these are your choices.' I found myself chuckling a few times as I would follow her directive and then stop and ask myself, "Is this really where I want to go in this pose? No, ok, how about here? That's better."
I realized that I have hit a bit of a plateau with my yoga. The learning curve has steadied, my intentions have been to 'be here now' with whatever is going on and I'm coming to a place of deeper understanding of each pose and posture and my involvement with it. I'm also making a very conscious effort to let each pose go after it's completion like during Esmes class because it feels good to let each series go and leave it where it was.
For my 6th yoga class I decided I'd venture out before the afternoon and hit up an earlier class. As I checked the schedule to see what the noon class was I read 'Moksha Flow' and said to myself "F^&k, I don't wanna do that one!" And walked out the door to the bus stop. Lol. I spoke to Long Braids Big Smile before going into the session because I wanted to know some variations if we were going to be 'flowing' the entire session. So there I was, asking for help, becoming interdependent with my instructor and allowing myself to be vulnerable where I was and admitting to myself that it's OK to not be at the top of the class just yet! It was a good session. Far less difficult than I anticipated and to be honest, I actually liked a lot of it!
I still think Long Braids Big Smiles is crazy. But she smiles and totally beams when she talks about yoga...she has spirit and heart. I can't not love that!

Thursday, December 9, 2010

On the 4th Day of Yoga My True Love Sent To Me

Feeling free and clear,
Tree trunk thighs,
Self love on the mat,
And a practice that's made me smile! nickname...was beautiful and calm and peaceful and compassionate and I had a brilliant practice. I didn't have to 'bring' any Warrior for the day. It was a great reminder to live in my Wizard and only use the Warrior when it is required. And to be quite honest, there were times in my practice last night where a bit of Warrior was required and overall, it was the Wizard in me that intended to simply 'feel the flow' that got me through the practice.

I'm convinced that the heat was a few degrees cooler and she went easy on us, but that may be only because I've had Long Braids Big Smile pushing me for 2 days. Yesterday was the first day I felt like I left everything on the mat. All the crap from the day, from my previous practices, I just left it all there because that's where it belongs. There is no need for me to carry anything extra around...and that's a bit how I feel. Empty, in a good sense. I feel hollowed out, like the only energy I can feel in my body is this encasement. It's the coolest and most bizzarre feeling. I mean, I AM energy, we all are. We're made of matter, which is energy... but this is cool, this is different, this is liberating and expansive.

As tired as I am this morning, and for whatever reason, everyone of us in this house is extremely tired this morning, I am going to do my very best to make it to another class today.

I was hesitant to committ to going to do this daily because, in all honesty, I wasn't sure if I could do it EVERY day in the heat and I was concerned about being properly nourished and rested and I've realized that as long as I'm listening and heeding to the guidance I'm fine! My body is happy doing this, my mind has other opinions. I trust my body and it's needs. I trust that it wants a giant glass of OJ in the mornings and bananas instead of Rice Krispies or nice warm oatmeal and I trust that my body wants larger lunches and smaller dinners at the moment. I'm so happy that I'm doing this because I am learning about my body instead of running it on a schedule that fits in with work breaks or days off or 'snack times'. It's a wonderful thing to spend time with your body and to learn to listen to it, to learn to love it and to learn to tap into it's power and knowledge.

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Bring Your Tuesday Warrior

I'm tempted to say that Rose (lets give her a nickname too...) Long Braids Big Smile, who is one of the yoga instructors, is a tyrant and has no mercy, which at times she doesn't, and at the same time that is totally a false statement because in reality, she cares. She cares that I am there, that the person next to me, behind me, in front of me is there. She cares that we have all come to that studio for our own reasons and she cares that we get what we are looking for.

Now based on the workout she's put me through the last two nights, I'd say she cares about me (and everyone else) finding strength and a serious challenge with our practice. She doesn't stop talking the entire session and she's always talking about feeling the burn, checking in with our bodies, 'what are they saying?' Everytime she asks that I want to scream, "IT'S SAYING TIME FOR A NEW POSE! INHALE AND RELEASE!!!"

Last night's session was the most difficult that I have experienced yet. Most of it was in my head. Some of it was in my body, but my head used that little bit of body chatter to try and take me out. And then came Little Braids Big Smile. "Bring your Tuesday Warrior, whatever that looks like and feels like to you. Just show up and BE that."

I looked at myself in the mirror, felt the ache, no longer just a burn, but the ache in both my legs and my arms and I let go and grabbed some water. I know in these poses, my lapses are only momentary. Fall down and get back up. For my KingDancer pose (lifting my foot behind me with my hand- I like it because it reminds me of figure skating) I had nothing. I more or less just stood there and stretched my quads. I looked in the mirror and said, "Why hello Tuesday Warrior, aren't you looking lovely." to myself with a hint of sarcasm and distain and a fleeting thought of self love from the previous practice. "Tuesday Warrior".

Then we got to the flow sequence, which until yesterday I had spent in child's pose mainly because going from upwarad to downward dog kills my back and then to do it in a sauna....cardio overload. But yesterday Long Braids Big Smile thought she would open up the door because "the flow sequence tends to spice things up a bit". (Can you see me rolling my eyes?!) The second I felt that cool breeze on my back I was in downward dog, then plank, then upward dog and back to downward dog. I did it! Sloppily, but I did it! I didn't complete the entire series, but 3 was plenty for me. My Tuesday Warrior was on her game, just not when I thought it was going to be!

It was a beautiful practice to allow myself to BE exactly where I was no matter how much I wanted to be elsewhere because when the time came, I was ready to do something new and dabble in yet another way to expand my ability to learn and grow and participate in life.

So BE that Warrior on whatever day of the week it is, or whatever hour of the day and allow that to be who you are for that time. When your Warrior isn't quite who you thought, or wanted it to be, love it anyway and honour that maybe it's a bit wounded, or dehydrated, or tired, or irritated and allow it the space to find itself once more. Allow that Warrior to rest and become the Wizard who can take on many forms and cares not what it looks like because it always looks 'perfect' for that moment and when the Warrior has rested enough it will return...and if not...well the Wizard is always great at making things happen in its own way so go with the flow.

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Self Love in the Arms of Yoga?

I don't know that yoga has arms. I have arms, that I use to do yoga with... :) And for last night's yoga session I set an intention for 'self love' (after I reminded myself to SIMPLIFY my intention...)

Something about having really long intentions is a misfit for me. I like to be able to remember them quickly and accurately. They hold more power. So instead of "my intention is to release..., nope wait, I've been releasing a lot lately, let's bring something in. My intention is to bring in, no, open to more experiences, no STOP! Keep it simple. OK self love. My intention is to have self love." And then I was able to let my mind attach things to it. Self love in my yoga practice tonight, in every pose, in my communications with others, in my eating choices, in my lifestyle choices. I will bring and be self love.

During my practice I caught myself pushing myself, and saying, you can push just a little further, straighten those legs just a little self love. Love where you are. Smile for God's sake! :) and so I did and it was one of the most beautiful practices. There were lots of times I didn't love myself, one time I almost even cried because I just wanted to be able to go that little bit deeper into the pose. And that sounds silly, but I can go into this particular stretch anytime and any place and have the same feeling. There is energy attached to that muscle group that dates back to days I obviously don't remember and it is reminiscent of anger and rage and lots of sadness. I WANT to go there, to see what's there and to allow it to recieve my breath and heal itself, and it's just not happening quite yet.

Perhaps I will change that story and I've been there or have planned a trip there, it is actually already healed, I already know what's there and simply need a reminder.

But back to self love. A lovely gentleman who I will name 'Man with Pink Polished Toes' was talking about electrolytes and how awesome he felt when he put them in his water. And my thoughts went back to one particular person at camp who always said, "Um.. if people are eating properly like normal people, there should be no need to give anyone electrolytes." Which then triggered the thoughts of "What exactly did I eat today? Am I eating properly?" And if I'm being totally honest with myself, my diet has sucked lately. Not that I'm eating a tonne of junk, but that I'm just not eating much and when I do I'm lazy about what I make. So 'Man with Pink Polished Toes', thank you for the reminder to be more mindful of my eating habits and to nourish my body with both what it needs and what it wants :) Ice cream.....and Christmas cookies.....

For dessert of course...

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Crash Course in Kelly

This past weekend I was working in Toronto in my new position on the Excel Team with Peak Potentials. This position came about in the perfect manner for me...slowly, with appeal and lots of honesty. I will say I did have to practice a hell of a lot of patience with the confirmation of things, which to my surprise came fairly easily, once I caught myself creating my own dramas.

I was pretty nervous to be working the event as it was my first time ever being trained specifically as a Sales Manager (I'm not even sure that's the term we Anyhow, my point is that this position would never have even been within the scope of my radar two years ago because my radar was trained only to look for jobs in the fields I thought were a fit for me. Regardless of that, between then and now I obviously opened my eyes to new opportunities and brought my vibration in alignment more with who I am and what I am meant to be doing here.

It was an interesting weekend for me as I transitioned from Karma Krew to Excel Team. As Karma Krew, I became highly attuned to the logistical side of events; all the little details of whens, wheres and how of things that needed to be done. As Excel Team I had to entirely detach from that process and focus on learning my new role. After set-up day I was burnt out and I attribute most of that to my resistance towards the transition between the two and constantly having to tell myself "That is not my job today."

To some that may seem irresponsible, but look at it this way. We all work together as a team and when there are things that need to be taken care of, the proper people are notified and they are taken care of. How am I serving myself and others if I am constantly doing their job and neglecting my own? Good question to ask yourelf as well....cuz I know this happens outside of my experience as well. It's one thing to tell someone they're about to get hit by the bus if they don't move, and an entirely different thing if you say nothing and throw them under it...

After a night's sleep (not particularly good. lol) we showed up for the event. The second I got there and saw everything about to begin, I was home. I knew what to do, who to be and what I wanted to see. Talk about confirmation of being on purpose. I still had a lot of learning to do because I was coming from an entirely new perspective and I feel that by the last day I was the most comfortable with myself and my new position. I felt it took far longer for ME to appear in the midst of all the new information being downloaded into my being and yet somewhere in it all, I was still there, the participants still saw me and I was able to shine like the star that I am...with training I know the skills will come more naturally and my authentic self will take over and I look forward to that day when it all just happens naturally, all the time.

Perhaps I can change that story now. It's always natural and authentic and the skills blend easily into my being. The benefits of everything being energy and everything being connected. Everything already is as we see it...

Saturday, December 4, 2010

A Little Yoga Never Hurt

Funny I make that the title of this blog, because that's exactly how I hurt myself in the first place. Doing yoga in my living room I pulled my back and for the last four years on and off I've been dealing with some variation and intensity of it's occurrance.

In the beginning it hurt like hell, riding in cars was unbearable. In fact, the only thing that seemed to dull the pain, was ironicallly yoga or bouts of dancing and some beers. At some point the pain just became a part of daily life. In Australia, I hardly noticed it, whether or not that's because it was or was not there I'm not entirely sure. When I started doing courses with Peak Potentials, there was a good 7 months where it was almost entirely gone (haha, a time when I was doing yoga often), it was as if I was 10 again, climbing trees, jumping around and doing crazy stuff and then it came back like a tonne of bricks when I started working at the Chiropractic clinic. Same time I also did Enlightened Warrior and Ultimate Leadership. I can sit here and try and tie them all together and figure out exactly what I was feeling, or being 'out of alignment' with, but the 'bottom line' was that there was something going on I wasn't dealing with. Or at least that's what I decided to believe. That was the last time I did yoga...fall 2008.

Making that decision to start listening to my body signals began a serious period of introspection and lots and lots of processing, clearing and intending, not to mention healing. But when I decided to come out to Vancouver in February my intention was to heal, write and get re-focused. What I thought healing was and what I actually got were two entirely different things! I envisioned myself going to Bikram's Yoga for an entire month and devoting my time to reuniting with my body. Ya, that was the last thing I did over this last year....until now.

Yesterday I did it. I bought a one month pass to a hot yoga studio with the intention of using this month of December to do that healing I had evisioned at the start of the year. As I laid on the mat before the session started, feeling the heat in more than the physical sense, I heard that voice, "Are you sure?" I started the session and about 4 poses in when my thighs were burning and shaking and we had to squat down for another pose, "What did you get yourself into...and PS. YOU ARE OUT OF SHAPE MISSY!"

Then of course I'm irritated because my towel is just a tad too long for my stance so I've got to adjust it everytime we switch poses cuz I'm sliding everywhere. And then the serious sweat comes on. Thankfully I wasn't as sweaty as the man infront of me, who had a puddle surrounding his entire mat. And as much as I enjoy looking at the masculine physique (and I do enjoy that and his was nice) he was wearing his underwear, briefs no less, and he was dripping from EVERY possible part of his body! {Learn to love everyone and everything Kelly...even briefs...let it go...:) }

Finally we get to the sitting poses where a) I don't have to look at dripping man anymore, b) I get to SIT! c) I get to stretch, which was what I was craving, and I think my body too...

Of course I felt amazing can't you when you end in savasana and just lay there, eyes closed and feeling the world around you instead of the chaos in my mind.

When I woke up this morning all I could feel was my butt muscles moaning in stiffness and that voice, "You sure you wanna do this again today? That's just punishment." And perhaps it is, but based on all the stuff that keeps coming up for me today as a result, I'm obviously clearing and sweating out something more than my weight in water.

Looking forward to this journey...and all it reveals and how damn good I'm gonna feel. YUM!

Friday, December 3, 2010


... the difference between the initial position of something (as a body or geometric figure) and any later position (Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary)

This word keeps popping into my head as I sit here feeling slightly lost. I know where I am. I'm in Vancouver and yet I somehow feel strangely disconnected from this life I have out here. Perhaps it was all the great reconnecting that occurred when I was back home in Ontario. And perhaps I am simply entering another cycle or phase in my life.

When I flew back out here it was an odd sensation of knowing that Vancouver was a city that I was no longer holding onto. I like being here and it certainly has been an amazing experience yet I'm not scared to leave it any more. I'm not attached to staying here anymore. I know I can always and will always return. So while that is brewing within me there is this growing sensation of displacement.

When I went for a walk today I spoke out loud, "I don't belong here...then where do I belong?" And as I refer to it now, I can see that it has less to do with my geographical locale and more to do with my energy and my state of being. I'm not sure what about it is off, but I feel like I'm back in high school again. Simply going through the motions of life, with a sense of purpose and knowing that I am in the right place, but without understanding why.

That was highschool. I did what I needed to do and then got the hell out of there. Mind you, at that point in my life 9 years ago (again with the cycles) I was running towards my freedom without even the slightest clue of what tied me down. This is quite fascinating for me to sit with all of this and let it integrate and release and still move forward. And this concept of cycles that I have been opened to in the past, is hitting me directly in the forehead right now and because of my age then and now, I have a clear recollection of what I was going through then and what I am going through now.

Drawing parallels is a cool thing to do. Sometimes they are my own hallucinations and other times they make total sense and resonate highly with where I am. Doesn't mean I still don't feel what I'm feeling or that I'm destined to feel that way every nine years, simply means I'm entering someplace new on a new wave length, with greater consciousness and FAR deeper understanding of who I am and my own truths.

Displacement- the difference between the initial position of something and any later position...hmm.