My 'bullshit meter' has been compromised...
For some time now I have felt in between somewhere and somewhere else, not knowing where either of those places or spaces are, but knowing that I bounce around (more like stumble) between the two confidently and often. It's only when I reach 'somewhere else' that I feel like I have no idea where I am in my life and head back in the other direction. If you are feeling exhausted and tired reading this, then you get the drift of what it feels like in my head some days.
I have to stop myself, look around and remember I only have this moment. And the culmination of moments in the past couple months has taken a toll on me. A lot of change has been occurring, some voluntary, some not and in the process my ability to sense my way through my own life has been diminished.
Those 'gut reactions' have been weak, my pulse on who people are has been inaccurate and my confidence in myself has been slowing dwindling. My fire is burning out and I have been my only cheerleader.
Being my only cheerleader was a bit of an eye opener. "Surely there are people cheering me on...right?". Yes, I am sure there are people cheering me on. I just don't know where they are, or who they are or whether I have simply muted them in my stint of 'doing it all by myself'.
This is a toughie for me. I am a cheerleader for many people. While I empower them to make their own decisions I also encourage them to take risks and go for it. Just like I do in my own little pep talks...they just aren't as effective when it feels like it's only me that believes in me. But perhaps that's the irony of it all...maybe everyone else believes in me, but I don't believe in myself! That would explain why I'm tired of giving myself pep talks!
That is a bit of a hard pill to swallow. Necessary to move forward though. Captain, we have uncovered the problem, onto solutions!