Show Up...Even When You Don't Want To

Have you ever been somewhere and all you could think about was being somewhere else?

This really has been a recurring experience for me. Like I said in my last post, it is very convenient for me to stay at home and become a hermit from the world. Physically showing up at places is one thing, showing up fully mentally, spiritually and energetically is an entirely different thing. How many of you have been places where either your or someone else is physically there yet their being or their heart is elsewhere?

I have been experiencing this a lot lately. I am showing up physically for things that used to drive my excitement and now my heart is days behind. It is not that I don't care. In fact I care quite deeply. More than I would ever admit and it is because I care (or at least I think that's why) that I have disconnected myself. I became imbalanced, out of alignment with my true desires, with my true priorities and path and committed 100% of myself to something that will never nourish me in all the ways I need to be nourished, in fact, it became toxic.

I suppose this is part of the paradox of life that continually shows itself to me. Caring is often associated with a lot of attention and time spent or energy spent on something or someone when in reality it can also be the ability to step back and let that something or someone do what they must to learn what they need or heal (both have very different energies though). It can be a challenge. It can breed resentment at times because timing is a major factor in this entire process. Often times we don't let go until after we've tried really hard to change that person or thing and instead of letting go and becoming unattached from choice, we give up from sheer frustration or exhaustion or just 'being done with it'.

I am finding the tricky part about either of these is still being able to show up significantly when my heart has let go along with my mind. It's just like going through the motions now. My problem with going through the motions is that I begin to wonder why I am putting myself through it. And I begin asking self-defeating questions that only make me feel like I have failed at creating the experiences I would like.

The reality of this...It's a fu$king process. Life is a process of continually changing ideas and situations. Everything is fu%cking perfect just as it is. It's ok that I hate a couple areas of my life right now because there are elements to those areas that I have no control over other than my own reactions. And all I am being asked to do is show up and go through the motions right now because it is serving its purpose. No one is asking me to anything above and beyond x, y, and z other than myself because I have an expectation of what I 'should' be. My heart is finding its nourishment elsewhere and it's happy about it!

So maybe I can show up and go through the motions even when I don't want to because I know why it is important to me. I am still showing up because there are people and things I still have to be there for and that is beyond the heart. It is divine and as much as that frustrates the hell out of me, I cannot argue it, nor can I run from it (or to it for that matter) it calls me to show up and I do...with or without my heart in the game. I often feel like I signed up for something I am never allowed to abandon,  until I am allowed to.

Now is clearly not that time.