At many points in my life I have been surrounded by friends, out at parties, getting together for dinner or just time to catch up and in many of those points as much as I have felt like I belonged to something, I also felt I didn't quite fit.
Now I work all over North America, in a different city nearly every weekend for the past two years with different crowds, but a consistent group of co-workers who have come to be like family to me. When I come home, I feel at home and yet I am craving something that I have never found here which is my own sense of community. It has always felt like sand running through my fingers. When I was away at school, it was a common community because I went to a school, but when you get out of school they don't tell you that you are free to create a new life, that you will have to find your way and your place in the world, that sometimes it will make you feel extremely alone, especially if you are doing something you detest.
I wonder how much of my craving for community comes from the fact that I am off in different places all the time and lacking a place that is mine. I have a stable place to be, but it's not mine, and I wonder how much of it is that my community resides elsewhere and gets together elsewhere? Where does that community I belong to live? Are they in my area? Are they across the country? Across the continent in a different country? Or is this me feeling discontented with where I am again? I know damn well I can create whatever I want and I have wanted to create a community around me of like-minded individuals, but what has been missing is the group of like-minded individuals within my age range, within my scope of identity and ability to identify with, a group of like-minded individuals who have not walked the simple path, who have taken risks in their life, who have grown out of their old selves, who are looking for new horizons and who are contributing consciously to the world. I want and need to be fed the food I have been feeding other people when I am at home and not just on the road.
While I appreciate the contrast home provides, I am questioning whether it is serving me or if we have simply outgrown each other. Perhaps there is a community here and I am choosing not to see it because it's completely not possible that THIS community here is anywhere near as good as what I get when I'm away from home. (Nice story) I am noticing a vicious circle here...
Maybe it's time to make a change...
1 comment:
I have often wondered the same thing. I also have seen this image of a house, commuinty house, retreat center- not exactly sure what it is just yet, but I do know that it is a place where people come together to hang out, be creative and reconnect with themselves, nature and others. I have often wondered if it's a place that many of us reside together. Perhaps it's land and we each have our own little cottage on it and there is one large cottage as a gathering place. Who knows. All I can say is that I hear what you are saying.
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