Monday, October 5, 2015

Faith...Do I Have It?

Because I am ready to write now. (see previous post if this sentence confuses you)

I had a moment, and I have known this moment was a 'defining' moment for a long time. It was a moment when my world around me collapsed (temporarily) and so did I (maybe not so temporarily). It was a moment where I questioned every belief I had ever been taught to believe for 14 years. It was a moment, not where I stood up and brushed myself off and said, "Ok we can do this." But rather it was a moment where I stood up and said, "The walls must go up now. They must be impenetrable and they must be heavily guarded. I will get up, but this is what people will see, the fortress of strength that I will now have to become."

In reality, shock and grief had collapsed me and they begged me to stay there. They begged me to let go and cry and FEEL myself going through shock and grief and anger and hurt. They didn't want me to stay there forever, they simply knew we needed to hang out for a while.

I was not interested...

What I could not comprehend then was that freak accidents, that crazy shit that happens to everyone else, those sudden and unexpected deaths that are so, well, unexpected could indeed happen to my family, to me. Also, what I could not comprehend then was that these moments can change our life. I did not see it as a moment where I could learn to grieve and simultaneously celebrate someone's life, I saw this moment as the day that God showed me what an asshole he was. Along with sending God 'back to where he came from' I sent Faith along with it.

This is where I am today. Playing with Faith, wondering what she's about, whether or not I 'have her', how I had her all tied up to God and how I didn't really even know she had existed in my life prior to the 'moment' when I sent her packing. And then there is the question, "Can Faith and God be exclusive of each other?" Do I have to have God to have Faith?

I do not believe that there is one 'God' above all. I believe that the many scriptures and religions out there serve as a way to educate in all the ways that spirit shows up in our lives. Some days it's Buddha, some days it's not. Some days it's praying, some days it's not. Can I have Faith without God?

I keep reading that question and thinking, "but it's more than that."

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