Helpless and Hopeful

Sometimes life is simply beyond my control and out of my hands...

What seems like months ago, actually only 2 weeks, my Gram was admitted to the hospital. Three days prior to that she had already been to the emergency room with complaints of horrible back pain. They pumped her full of pain meds and let her on her way. Now my girlfriend who works in ER would probably encourage me to see the bigger picture before bashing the health care system in Leamington for not running further tests. Truthfully it's not because they wouldn't run further tests that I am peeved, it's because they never took the time to determine how out of the ordinary this scenario was for my Grandma.

She is 83, 84 on Monday, and very active. She walks, she drives, she moved OUT of a condo and into a townhouse last year so she could have a little yard to tend to if she wanted. She volunteers at the nursing home pushing people younger than her down the hallways to Bingo and to get their hair done. She goes out every Thursday to get her own hair done and watches hockey like it's her job! THIS was out of the norm for her, so I am pissed that she got treated as 'just another old person coming in with aches and pains'. Now perhaps my Gram made little fuss about this, blowing it off and hoping it would pass......it didn't. So what started off as horrible back pain spiraled fairly quickly into kidney failure, blood infections and the true source (likely) of everything INCLUDING the pain, an infected abscess on her spinal cord resulting in back surgery. Since then she's been on a road to recovery, laced with minor setbacks that are quickly taken care of.

Perhaps odd, and perhaps not, once they determined what the source of pain was and informed us they were going to operate on it, I felt totally at peace. She was in the hands of an extremely great neurosurgeon whose confidence and humility reminded me that sometimes it's just time to let go and let God. Some people were put on this earth to perform miraculous things and they come in all shapes, sizes, races and genders. They are skilled and the really good ones are also gifted ontop of that. When you go to a surgeon's website and they state that belief and prayer can far outweigh medication....whew....you've got someone who sees a much bigger picture! My kind of professional!

Prior to the surgery there were frequent visits to the part of my brain that said 'what if she doesn't make it through this?' but since then all I can think about is 'when will she get home' rather than 'will she get home'. Mind you, the road between here and there has it's own challenges. A very impatient and fed up woman who would, if she could, walk out the doors tomorrow, lays in a hospital bed every single day frustrated as hell. She has good days and bad days, today was rough. She has physio and she can walk, just not far. She is slowly building back her strength while endurance is another story. But it's hard to see her in her bed when she's unhappy. When she can't quite lay right or get comfy or she's restless or hungry because the hospital food tastes like crap (it really does....I tried it). The worst is when she dreads the night time. She says it's as if time stands still in those hours between dark and daylight.

It's funny because she was originally supposed to have a mastectomy on Nov 26...instead she had back surgery...makes me wonder whether she would have ever made it through had it all gone according to 'the plans' with all the other complications she encountered. But that, I will never know the answer too and I am ok not knowing the answer to that one because it is not an issue that is even on the table right now. My deepest hope and belief is that the cancer was just a manifestation of all the other shit and once this heals, perhaps it will be gone as well. I am grateful for the hospital teams and I am also grateful that I have alternative perspectives to provide myself and my family about the entire thing. Not that everyone listens all the time, yet I know it goes in there somewhere :)

I have learned that we all do things because we care and on the other side of that coin is a different kind of caring; a caring that says, I need to give all of this space, I need to give you space, I am not the person who can help you right now, but I will sit here in case I can. I say we because I have seen it every day for the last two weeks with family after family going through the intensive care unit. I can also say I because doing things is a way I show I care just the same as not doing things and just being is as well.

I am proud of myself for acting upon the important things in my life and for asking for support when I really needed it without hesitation and from the people I 'didn't want to bother'. Turns out that asking others to care, even just a little, can result in some powerful peace, gratitude and release.

Thank you ;)

Distressed - Life and DIY

I have had a lot of time off from work, which has been VERY welcome as I often spend months between cities and hotels. I recently repainted my room. The change in colour unleashed a streak of transromation both in my life and in my decor. Simplify. My room has gone from a modpodge of unkempt 'stuff' sheltered by orange/yellow walls to simple, soothing light purple and greyish white and a more monochromatic scheme of decor. Blacks, whites, small specs of coloured decor and tidiness. Everything has a place, if it doesn't, it's in a box under my bed! Truth be told, changing my environment has helped me shift my life as well. Simplify....no facebook!!!!! It's great! I have so much more time to putz around with DIY projects and actually see just how creative I can be!

My Frame Project Tutorial...

I really wanted to keep this frame, but the brown didn't really go with the theme of the room. Enter Pinterest and Google :) I am pretty sure the site I used the most was Decorating Bug. I will tell you what I did anyways.

Materials:

- item to distress

- two colours of paint (or just one depending on the look you want)

- paint brush

- sand paper (probably not the heavy duty stuff though)- no sand paper? try steel wool or pumice stone...something rough

I tend to try and use materials and things that are already around my house instead of going out and buying new stuff. Be resourceful. You might find you are more creative than you thought. ;)

PS. Avocados were on sale for 77cents this week.
(Don't mind my 'table protection'. My workspace is currently my mom's kitchen table!)

This is the frame pre-distress.

I decided to sand it down a bit prior to any painting. I wanted some of the wood to show through on the inside edges so I had to sand through that plastic-y looking coat on it.

I used white craft paint from the dollar store as my under colour. I wanted the white to be UNDER the black because I wanted the dominant colour to be dark. If you put on a reasonable first coat you don't really need a second. You be the judge. There really isn't any way to mess this up.

 I used my hair dryer to help along the drying process. Note: it works well with craft paint, not so much with cupboard paint.

Once the white was dry I put on two coats of leftover black cupboard paint from one of my mom's projects. Again, putting on a solid first coat, you may not need a second. I am impatient and somewhat sloppy, so a 'good first coat' actually rarely happens for me.

Then I busted out the sand paper and went at it. I also took a screw and made a couple of scratches and banged the corners a little. Its a great way to get out a little frustration too! lol Like I said, you can't really mess this whole distressing thing up, go for it.

The frame fully distressed to my liking.

 

Voila!

 

The white matting you see below is straw and is the original matting. It

 used to be straw coloured, but I put a coat of my white craft paint on it to bring in the right colour scheme. I have a few pops of yellow in my room and thought this yellow accented photo I had taken years ago of the birch in our backyard in fall would be perfect. And it was!

I am extremely happy with how it turned out and how it looks on my photo shelf! It feels SO good to actually have pictures up, in an organized manner and that add to the serenity of my experience in my room.

 

The photo collage beneath the photo shelf is individual 5x5 photos. Some from my instagram, some edited in the Fotor application on my computer and put in an old frame I had hiding under my bed.

Putting photos together hasn't been easy. I know I am not the only one who thinks that, especially in the digital age when we actually have to go out and PRINT them! Keep with it. Would love to hear what photo feats you've undertaken and been happy with!

A Little DIY - Picture Frame Earring Organizer

I KNOW this is not my typical 'Here Comes the Sun Post'. Over the last year I have been dabbling in a lot of DIY projects and I've been trying to get them up on Pinterest without having to create entire blog posts on here, but they only give me 500 characters! The teacher in me cannot condense it THAT much! :) So be ready to see some more of these

Picture Frame Earring Orgainzer

1) Find a picture frame and dismantle/paint/make it how you want it to look - I just bought this from a 2nd hand store, scrapped the painting and used both the inner and outer frames for projects.

2) Create your lines/wires/ribbons to hang/pin your earrings on. I used regular crafting ribbon to pin my studded earrings and then two 1/4 inch thick wires for the hanging ones and wrapped the wires in the same colour ribbon. I taped them on the end. (This was a bit of a process. I think I'll do it differently next time. I also had to pre-poke holes with a sharp pin before putting the studs through because they don't go through that ribbon easily. Next time maybe I'll use burlap or screen or something less tightly woven)

 
3) Test the various lengths of your hanging earrings to ensure they stay within your frame (if that's what you want)

4) Staple/tape/nail/pin/glue the ribbon and wires in place (i used staples b/c I was impatient when I did this) I made loops for the wires to move in and out of (non necessary) but you do want them all to stay put! So do whatever you gotta do.

 5) Put your earrings on it and voila! - When you are done you want to make sure there is a bit of room between the wall and the frame. I put two of typical pushpins on the corners of the back of the frame at the top so it leaned up against the wall without the earrings touching - otherwise the earrings don't have enough room to hang properly.

Inspired by:
http://www.pinterest.com/pin/130182245448651255/

http://www.pinterest.com/pin/130182245448565713/

Put That Moment In My Pocket

Holy F...It's been a rough and emotional week. You know how the Universe subtly sends you nudges and then when you don't pay attention it throws a brick at your head? Well I had one of those weeks. 2 days in a row I had a sucker punch to the gut with information I was totally unwilling to accept, yet clearly hearing the message that it's time to pay attention.

I have had a heart murmur since I was six. What that means for me is that one of my valves does not function properly. Instead of pushing blood all the way through and out into the body, it doesn't close all the way letting some blood flow back into my heart. I have known since I was little when my specialist drew a diagram that more or less looked like the one below. 'This is you going along good in life, once that changes it changes rapidly and you need a new valve'. (said in a very thick Asian accent...I am sure he said more words than that, but that's really the gist of it)

I went for a test last month to find that things have indeed changed. I thought my doctor (not my specialist) might have had a bit of tact in delivering the news to me, instead he went into high alert (after telling me earlier that it wasn't huge, but something to check out) telling me I needed surgery without first giving me the progression of events. So I started to breakdown...really, there was no point in even trying to hold it together. Thankfully he had an intern with him who calmed my nerves by saying what logically would happen next; testing, before ever even considering surgery.

Funnily enough my Gram had an appointment at the same time and we had agreed to go to lunch afterwards. We met out in the parking lot and she saw my state and quickly decided to talk my ear off about how it was all going to be OK. (I told her this too) Normally she frustrates me when she talks, but this time I was happy to hear the optimism coming from someone else. We got into the restaurant and sat at the table and the waitress was on top of it. She brought us waters straight away. Put my Gram's down and didn't really get a chance to put mine down because it had already fallen off the tray, all over the table and just as I began to worry that my Gram was getting soaked I felt the ice cold water all over my lap! All I could say was, "Damn that's cold!" and started laughing hysterically with my Gram. That moment in time I will always remember...the two of us needing and supporting each other and sharing a moment that snapped us both so quickly into joy and laughter. Seeing her laugh so hard and smile while trying to make the waitress and me feel better. I didn't care that my jeans were soaked, that the seat had ice all over it or that the floor and my feet were still wet. I cared that I got to experience my Gram as who she really is instead of who I think I make her out to be.

And of course as I thought about how special that moment felt to me I started bawling again in the booth...But I put that moment in my pocket and I'll carry that around forever and smile and probably cry every time it comes to mind because that little moment made me realize that life is simple and short, most things are trivial and it is meant to be enjoyed. I am putting the analysis tools away in favour of living.

Show Up...Even When You Don't Want To

Have you ever been somewhere and all you could think about was being somewhere else?

This really has been a recurring experience for me. Like I said in my last post, it is very convenient for me to stay at home and become a hermit from the world. Physically showing up at places is one thing, showing up fully mentally, spiritually and energetically is an entirely different thing. How many of you have been places where either your or someone else is physically there yet their being or their heart is elsewhere?

I have been experiencing this a lot lately. I am showing up physically for things that used to drive my excitement and now my heart is days behind. It is not that I don't care. In fact I care quite deeply. More than I would ever admit and it is because I care (or at least I think that's why) that I have disconnected myself. I became imbalanced, out of alignment with my true desires, with my true priorities and path and committed 100% of myself to something that will never nourish me in all the ways I need to be nourished, in fact, it became toxic.

I suppose this is part of the paradox of life that continually shows itself to me. Caring is often associated with a lot of attention and time spent or energy spent on something or someone when in reality it can also be the ability to step back and let that something or someone do what they must to learn what they need or heal (both have very different energies though). It can be a challenge. It can breed resentment at times because timing is a major factor in this entire process. Often times we don't let go until after we've tried really hard to change that person or thing and instead of letting go and becoming unattached from choice, we give up from sheer frustration or exhaustion or just 'being done with it'.

I am finding the tricky part about either of these is still being able to show up significantly when my heart has let go along with my mind. It's just like going through the motions now. My problem with going through the motions is that I begin to wonder why I am putting myself through it. And I begin asking self-defeating questions that only make me feel like I have failed at creating the experiences I would like.

The reality of this...It's a fu$king process. Life is a process of continually changing ideas and situations. Everything is fu%cking perfect just as it is. It's ok that I hate a couple areas of my life right now because there are elements to those areas that I have no control over other than my own reactions. And all I am being asked to do is show up and go through the motions right now because it is serving its purpose. No one is asking me to anything above and beyond x, y, and z other than myself because I have an expectation of what I 'should' be. My heart is finding its nourishment elsewhere and it's happy about it!

So maybe I can show up and go through the motions even when I don't want to because I know why it is important to me. I am still showing up because there are people and things I still have to be there for and that is beyond the heart. It is divine and as much as that frustrates the hell out of me, I cannot argue it, nor can I run from it (or to it for that matter) it calls me to show up and I do...with or without my heart in the game. I often feel like I signed up for something I am never allowed to abandon,  until I am allowed to.

Now is clearly not that time.

Three Men In A Coffee Shop

I am grateful for the days when I need to kick my lazy ass out of my house and get out into the world. It's a direct effect of choosing work that involves travel and lots of different people. The balance of that is often for me to stay inside and be by myself. And then if I have enough time off it turns into a nasty habit that keeps me from being anywhere near productive.

So today I took my 'Artist's Way' into a coffee shop in town and grabbed myself a nice icy drink and a cookie (oh so healthy I know) and started reading. I always look around to see who is in the shop because coffee shops can be curious places. And this one is like a chain shop. It's Tim Horton's, the equivalent in the states would be kin to maybe a Dunkin' Donuts or something. Anyway. I find a table along the wall with no one beside it and a good view of the whole shop. In walks a very smiley guy, which I am immediately attracted to (in the 'hey another happy person kind of way') because there isn't anyone else in there (except for me of course) with quite as sunny a disposition.

A guy already in the shop switches to the table next to me, the smiley man comes and joins him and no sooner after that a charming 80 year old man takes a seat and the conversations begin. I was concentrating on my book until they asked if they were interrupting me... :)

At which point I decided to partake in their conversation. Listening to the old man rehash his many places of residence from Italy to Canada to Florida where he looked like a sweating hose 24/7, to New Jersey where he worked for a very wealthy Jewish man and then his return to Canada because he hated the traffic in New Jersey in 1969 already.

They proceeded to give me bits of advice on life, telling me to enjoy my youth, that I have too many years than I will know what to do with ahead of me and to find the right guy to make a life with. Charming words when they come from a place of experience.

I let them continue on with their conversation, randomly re-engaging me every so often to ask me a question or give me some more wisdom. And I looked at them and smiled. The old man left and immediately his seat was replaced with another man, not nearly as old and most definitely less enthusiastic about the triumphs of life. His conversations thrived on the injustices and illegalities of our government system and immigrants. "WTF just happened?" And I realized two things in this time at the coffee shop. First I realized that I love and find fullness in the simplicity of reminiscing in other peoples stories. They inspire me, the uplift me and they touch me. I will remember that 80 year olds glasses and smile and story, probably as long as I live, hence why I am writing about him. Second I realized, again, that the dynamic of a group of people is the sum of its parts. It only takes one element of that group to shift it's entire direction AND it only takes that one person to make others walk away; quite quickly I might add.

While I would have liked to stay a bit longer, to at least finish the chapter I was reading, I was strongly urged to do otherwise and pack up and leave. But I took with me the light hearted synergy and fun of those moments when I got to witness the Three Men in the Coffee Shop sharing a bit of themselves with each other and with me. The little human touches we are all capable of. Thank you! :)

What is Right in the World...

It is very easy to pick out all the things in the world that do not work. Why? Usually because in some way, shape or form, it feeds us. It feeds our egos, it feeds our insecurities, it feeds our angers or frustrations, sometimes our passions and you can bet it's probably feeding someone's bank account too. It's just the same when we have stuff going on in our own lives...except we don't always get paid for that....

How often do we, do I even, sit down and look at what's right in the world?

I do spend a fair amount of time thanking the big guy in the sky for the amazing life I have; the people, places, things; the nourishing things and experiences, the challenging times and the amazing ones, but I don't spend much time thinking about and acknowledging what's good in the bigger picture of the world I belong to.

The saying, "Can't see the forest for the trees" comes to mind. Often we can't see everything in front of us because we are only focused on one singular thing. I am living this today as I return from 25 days in Ireland. I would say there are a number of things contributing to the build up of this, but the bottom line...I am feeling like a 5 year old throwing a tantrum inside because 'I DON'T WANT TO GO HOME!'

There was a time when I felt like this was my inner rebellion of 'running away from home' metaphorically, but I have spent the last 5 years travelling around, whether for work or play and it's the same... And it did, in all fairness, used to be about avoiding home, but I am quite OK with being at home now, but I think there is something else underneath all of that nudging me again.

So I must focus on what is right in the world. Not just my world...the entire world because that viewpoint is the place from which I want to see my life, experience my life and live my life. I am a citizen of this world, not just one (ok two) countries, which happen to have it really good if I might say so. I will sit with a smile and tap into my new found quiet Irish kindness and "'Thank F**k" that there are things going right in the world and they are right there for us to see.

Critical Mass

As defined by Merriam - Webster Online Dictionairy
"a size, number, or amount large enough to produce a particular result"

Ya, ok that makes sense, but it's not juicy enough.

But upon scrolling further down the page this elaboration appeared...and became a perfect parallel for an aspect of my life.
"Minimum amount of a given fissionable material necessary to achieve a self-sustaining nuclear chain reaction under specified conditions. Critical mass depends on several factors, including the kind of fissionable material used, its concentration and purity, and the composition and geometry of the surrounding reaction system."

The company I am working for currently has been, for quite some time under perturbation, under pressure and performing in such a way that we have begun to restructure everything that we do, we have begun to solidify who we are as individuals and who we are not, we are willing to take stands when neccessary, our voices have begun to be heard and our team has over time, become more unified. Under all of this pressure and perturbation IS a critical mass waiting for its tipping point.

How often can you take such a large circumstance that repeatedly recurs in your life and spin it around in a positive way, use it to create abundance, use it to empower yourself and others, and watch how your commitment waivers and strengthens with singular thoughts and intentions. And then multiply that by the other people on the team who are consistently doing the same thing. THAT is powerful; THAT is creating momentum from a foundational level; and THAT is unbreakable to a degree. That bond of the 'fissionable material' that is intentionally, not just inherently, creating a self-sustaining chain reaction of events. 

If I break down that last definition and correlate it with my current situation, the fissionable material is the people that make this company run, the staff, the contractors, the vendors, the speakers. The fissionable material used is the kinds of people we are attracting and that are leaving (even when they have been amazing and outstanding). Their presence and shifting is a part of this ability to reach critical mass. It's concentration and purity is directly related to the character and purity of intention of the people and the composition and geometry of the surrounding system is the context in which we are all doing this work.

Perhaps this may seem slightly complicated as a reader, but to me, this is so plain and clear that there is a binding agent keeping us together within a specific context and with a certain purity of intention that has been long in the making.

It is never easy to let go of aspects of what we see as ourselves, just as it is never easy to let go of people who are a part of our team. Maintaining a steady structure and sense of self within all of that is critical to reaching our own critical mass and tipping point as well as critical mass for the places we contribute to. 

Like A Mess

My yoga practice, based on what I am choosing to focus on, was a complete mess last night. I know there are elements to my practice that were great, and in reality, the messiness of it was great too for the catharsis it brought about last night.

My instructor had the gift of spiritual challenge like no other I have ever experienced. Just by way of her instruction and guidance she pushed my every button. She told me not to try advanced poses (which she was probably right about) and just the sheer choice of postures she chose was enough to have me in child's pose for a quarter of the practice wondering WTF!? As she built upon our weaknesses she gave insight into setting strong foundations for more advance poses...like the crow pose or inversions, which are on my vision board as goals for the end of the year...and I wanted to vomit and I could hear the voices in my head saying, "Well actually I am pretty content with a basic flow practice, I don't think I really need to learn those inversions, really what am I going to do with them anyway, this is just a way to reduce stress." But it's not! I want to have the strength and flexibility to do those things! Don't ask my why?!?!?! It's just one of those things within me to help me to challenge what I think I am capable of.

So as I'm dying in downward dog, she takes us back down to the mat and on our back in a mini-savasana (corpse pose, basically lying there like a dead person...blissful!) and asks us to check in with how our body feels. And my body is feeling....emotion...and distinguishing the tears from the sweat becomes impossible for anyone but me, focusing on the breath is like asking me to stop sweating in a sauna, I can't. I can feel the impending heaves and gasps that accompany this kind of cry and yet somehow I manage to find my breath and focus on my body which feels like a blob of paint on the floor. Kind of like in those cartoons where the character melts and all you see is their eyes somewhere in the middle of the blob looking up. That is what I felt like. I allowed myself some moments just to sit with the emotions before parallel thoughts of where else this appears in my life began to float in. Work, relationships, always pushing forward to make something happen instead of being fully present NOW. I am constantly wondering, pondering, calculating and I am so fu^&ing tired!!! It's not THE work, or THE relationships (however non-existent or existent they are), it's not THE future, it's how I am dealing with it or perhaps trying to figure it out!!!

My practice was exhausting, I didn't stay in final savasana (which is opposite to my normal practice) because I could no longer control my breath or my tears. I was pissed off, I was tired and sweaty and I just wanted to go home...and so I did, taking care to take my time, to relax, to let go of my frustration...and more tears and to find that emotional exhaustion point where everything just becomes a bit numb. I watched a bit of the Grammy's, the collaboration, the synergy between the live performances, the energy that builds with mass amounts of people, the healing effect that music can and does have, the melodies that make me smile, the smiles that make my heart sing, the process of creation manifested in art...I let my soul be filled without hesitation.

I will let the mess go.

Me, My Mat and Montreal

I am very happy to have just recently written the last post about my reflections of yoga and the role it has played in my life because I got to reconnect with that part of me this past weekend in Montreal. There really is nothing like walking in -15C weather to the metro station to do yoga in a 32C room for 60-75mins and then go back out and go home. :)

My trip to Montreal was somewhat last minute and very unplanned for the most part, with the final details falling together only days before...mostly because of my own fears and stories about who I would be seeing and how it would all unfold and if you haven't already begun to wonder why I would be fearful of going to Montreal it's because it involves a man and of course by nature, which I am working to reframe, complicates any and all simple situations despite my valiant efforts to keep it simple myself. In all actuality, it was very simple...and then a language barrier created misunderstandings which led to stories, etc, etc, etc...blah blah blah. :) And that's me avoiding the subject entirely...lol.

Having found clarity for my/our confusion, the weekend did offer some amazing experiences that I would not have otherwise had as well as some brilliant and poignant awarenesses that will serve me moving forward. I take pride in my ability to communicate clearly and well and I created situations in which the opposite appeared. I believe in most instances I would walk away and not think twice about it, but this one is different. I want to understand and be understood....perhaps that's because that is one of the heart virtues that I am committed to along with truth! Duh!

You know....if I really get down to what the hell I am trying to say here, it's that I am grateful for reconnecting with myself, with yoga and with other aspects of myself through other people because I was able to see where I would like to put more energy in my life, where my priorities are beginning to solidify and that I am not a selfish bit#$ (as I have previously been called) hehehe :). I am infact very capable of having a balanced life that includes caring both for myself and others.

Good night. :)

Thank you for the Anxiety Attacks! :)

I know that's a random title for a post, but it probably caught your attention!

And YES I am grateful for having had anxiety issues at one point in my life! I mean I wasn't crazy or anything, I just had a boyfriend...probably enough said...who happened to push every button all at the same time sometimes which resulted in anxiety and stress. Ahhhh....finding yet another reason to be grateful for him being in my life. :)

If it were not for his pushing my buttons combined with my stressed out and anxious reactions (which at that time was often a natural state of being) I would never have sought out ways to find my centre, some inner peace and sense of quiet. I had seen the effects of anxiety on my mother and I had zero desire to have to work as hard as she did to overcome it. It was during that time that I found yoga and an immediate source of peacefulness, groundedness and overall feeling of well being. It was also during this time when I began to open up to new philosophies, new ways of being, new ideas of realms seen and unseen and ultimately to my own sense of spirituality.

I have found my physical yoga practice to come and go in cycles, while the mental aspect of my practice remained quite in tact. Breathe, accept, let go. Sometimes easier said than done, but I had cultivated for myself something practical, something I could use and something that worked. I did yoga religiously for 6 months one year then stopped entirely. Then one winter while I was living in Vancouver I decided to do a month of it non-stop. Let's just say I fell short of my month, but I learned a great deal about myself and found a great sense of humour as well! Check out my posts from December 2010 here :) It starts with 'A Little Yoga Never Hurt' and ends with 'Learning from the Nasty Stuff'. Good times! :)

Yoga always makes me feel amazing...why I talk myself out of it I believe I am beginning to discover. It opens me up, it allows life to flow freely through me, my writing is clear, my intuition is audible...all the amazing things I could do if I just kept those gates OPEN! haha. And now a visual aid to embed that :) Here is to 2013...head stands and crow poses and all!

This is me...happy! Anxiety? What's that....

Peace and much love. x

Letting Go of Good to Open Up to Great

I know a man who, along with his physical grandoise, ranks in my top five list of people in my life with powerful presence. I have taken many lessons away from brief moments in time spent with him because when he speaks he speaks to a part of me that wants to hear him, when he looks, he looks into a part of me that feels his gaze and his purpose and as I am writing this, I don't believe there is any other teacher in my life quite like him. One of the things I have learned from him is that it's OK to have good, but sometimes we need to get rid of 'Good' so we can open up to 'Great'.

So I asked myself, "What in my life am I holding onto that is good where I know it could be great?" This question lead me to a desire to really 'clean house' both internally and externally. Not an excuse to collect clutter, but by nature of my job, being in and out with frequent travel, I have piles of 'stuff' I fail to sort through. One of these piles happens to be a collection of what we fondly refer to at work as 'Love Notes'. At almost every event we create a wall with an individualized, often very decorative, envelope for everyone working on the team at that event. It's purpose is to be a place where we can share gratitude, words of thanks, jokes, gifts, and in general 'love' for each other. It is voluntary and optional whether you choose to sign or leave it anonymous.

So I decided to 'clean up' this pile. 10 envelopes turned into 20 turned into 30, turned into 40-ish (probably more) envelopes that I had accumulated since my start of volunteering 4 years ago to present and working ongoing.

While I am doing this, I am listening to 'Tribes' by Seth Godin, which was passed onto me by a co-worker. And upon listening to this, everything has to do with Leadership. As I am, let's be honest here, multi-tasking! Or killing 2 birds with one stone, I become acutely aware of the abundance I have before me. Letters and envelopes sprawled out on the floor around me with words of encouragement, thanks, acknowledgement, praise, humour and love. Then it hits me; everything that everyone else sees in me, everything that I am actually providing, doing, being an example of; it's all right there in the words of other people. And I see where I am great, and I am hearing about leadership from my computer and how when you are a good leader, people will naturally follow you because you stand for something. I am a leader...

Carol Brunet once said after losing the lead role to another leading lady for a Broadway production, "It's her time to shine, mind will come." I have felt that way for most of my life...until now. I can feel it brewing in my bones, I can taste it with my being and more than that, I know. Whatever it is that is finding its manifestation through me, whether big or small, is one of the greater things in my life I am meant to pursue. And that is the 'great' I am opening up to. :)

xx