Like A Mess

My yoga practice, based on what I am choosing to focus on, was a complete mess last night. I know there are elements to my practice that were great, and in reality, the messiness of it was great too for the catharsis it brought about last night.

My instructor had the gift of spiritual challenge like no other I have ever experienced. Just by way of her instruction and guidance she pushed my every button. She told me not to try advanced poses (which she was probably right about) and just the sheer choice of postures she chose was enough to have me in child's pose for a quarter of the practice wondering WTF!? As she built upon our weaknesses she gave insight into setting strong foundations for more advance poses...like the crow pose or inversions, which are on my vision board as goals for the end of the year...and I wanted to vomit and I could hear the voices in my head saying, "Well actually I am pretty content with a basic flow practice, I don't think I really need to learn those inversions, really what am I going to do with them anyway, this is just a way to reduce stress." But it's not! I want to have the strength and flexibility to do those things! Don't ask my why?!?!?! It's just one of those things within me to help me to challenge what I think I am capable of.

So as I'm dying in downward dog, she takes us back down to the mat and on our back in a mini-savasana (corpse pose, basically lying there like a dead person...blissful!) and asks us to check in with how our body feels. And my body is feeling....emotion...and distinguishing the tears from the sweat becomes impossible for anyone but me, focusing on the breath is like asking me to stop sweating in a sauna, I can't. I can feel the impending heaves and gasps that accompany this kind of cry and yet somehow I manage to find my breath and focus on my body which feels like a blob of paint on the floor. Kind of like in those cartoons where the character melts and all you see is their eyes somewhere in the middle of the blob looking up. That is what I felt like. I allowed myself some moments just to sit with the emotions before parallel thoughts of where else this appears in my life began to float in. Work, relationships, always pushing forward to make something happen instead of being fully present NOW. I am constantly wondering, pondering, calculating and I am so fu^&ing tired!!! It's not THE work, or THE relationships (however non-existent or existent they are), it's not THE future, it's how I am dealing with it or perhaps trying to figure it out!!!

My practice was exhausting, I didn't stay in final savasana (which is opposite to my normal practice) because I could no longer control my breath or my tears. I was pissed off, I was tired and sweaty and I just wanted to go home...and so I did, taking care to take my time, to relax, to let go of my frustration...and more tears and to find that emotional exhaustion point where everything just becomes a bit numb. I watched a bit of the Grammy's, the collaboration, the synergy between the live performances, the energy that builds with mass amounts of people, the healing effect that music can and does have, the melodies that make me smile, the smiles that make my heart sing, the process of creation manifested in art...I let my soul be filled without hesitation.

I will let the mess go.