I Trust Myself To Stay Present...Damnit!

I really do believe that we are in people's lives for a reason and that most certainly there is some sort of lesson to be learned or value to be gained from every relationship we have.

I realized a bit ago that the guy I was seeing was slowly pulling away and becoming less interested in what we were doing. I was fine with that. I recognized it and allowed it to happen because a part of me knew that I was learning from all of it.

I learned a lot about patience and trusting my intuition. When things weren't panning out as I had hoped my intuition told me that it was alright and everything would be fine (not necessarily in favour of what I wanted, yet fine). Then my mind would kick in with stories about what he might or might not be doing, how me might or might not feel about me. It created some great dramas for me to sort through. As I listened to my mind tell me all sorts of crap I could feel my heart holding strong. Funny that my MOSHOG name at camp was 'Strong Heart'. Perfection!

So I stuck out my storm, getting a hunch that it was going to end rather than progress further and I trusted that and released my attachment to the outcome I had hoped for. 'The truth will set you free'...addenum...'when you're not attached to the outcome'.

So when I heard the words "this isn't going to work out" I sort of laughed. Well no, I was pretty elated and found myself with a giant smile on my face. I had spoken my truth and he had spoken his. All was good until I hung up the phone and realized what I had just done.

I had become so caught up in 'being right' about my intuition that I failed to actually sit with the reality of what had happened and appreciate that moment in time. That moment when I had a chance to FEEL what was going on for me. So not only did I discredit what may have been a difficult thing for him to say by laughing, I robbed myself of experiencing the emotions of the moment. Boy I felt emotions after that...that big one that screams "You were out of integrity by doing that" uuuggghhhh...That one is the worst. When you feel guilty because you know you did something that you know is out of line with your core values and who you are. It's not just 'I feel bad about that' it's 'I've gotta fix that...now!'

I'm committed to truth and understanding. Although I wanted to understand why things were ended, I took myself out of the game before I even had a chance to ask, which stopped me from being able to understand the truth of myself in that situation; the truth of what I really felt and maybe still do feel.

I guess if I understood better where he was coming from it might have been easier for me to accept my place in the whole thing. I still feel a little confused about it all, but I'm certain that my learn about staying present and experiencing every moment was critical to my own growth and might very well be the entire purpose for our meeting. I feel like there still more to come...we'll see.

Now I'm just disappointed I had done so well the entire time and then I reached the finish line and took off, didn't even wait to see the scores or take in the crowd; often the most rewarding part.

Staying present...in the now...a work in progress.

Haha...I'm coming back a few hours after writing this and reading my post 'What's a girl to do?'. Maybe reading this before calling him up might have reminded me to stay present!!! Review review review...