Random Findings on a Mac

I was fumbling through folders on my laptop and came across this piece. I had to share it...I am so grateful for my writing and for another years worth of experience that I have brought to reading this. I would not change a thing.

Crack Me Open…Please!

God damn the last few months have been challenging. From health to happiness to work and relationships; anything and everything I could possibly feel has run through me with an intensity unlike any I have experienced.

My life has reached a perturbation point…AGAIN! And this time the reorganization of my life is less about letting go and more about moving on. I want to make a distinction between the two for myself. Letting go, for me, is releasing my attachment to what should or should not be and allowing it to be as it is because it is beyond my control. Moving on, for me, is a realization that the situation may be beyond my control, yet my ability maintain my happiness and health is dependent on my own conscious choices to honour and respect myself.

I have been wanting for months to feel something other than frustration and hurt and disappointment. I have been loathe to the fact that I have felt out of alignment for far too long. I have been resentful for circumstances in which I have found myself in and have been wondering if I am not becoming a martyr for a cause that seems to care so little about me.

And then I found myself in a room of 200 people this weekend as an event supervisor, completely unattached to anything other than getting the event delivered to the best of my abilities. It was not my designation position to help clients enroll in programs, or train the staff on how to communicate effectively with clients, or worry about whether or not I would offer someone a benefit of the doubt in the hopes that I could help them to help themselves change their lives. I found myself in support of a gracious and kick ass team who showed me what it was like to be of service again. Who modeled to me what it was like to have fun and smell the roses and who showed me in more ways than one, that they had my back and would do anything to make my job as smooth as possible. They showed me over and over again what it means to care about something bigger than yourself, to care about others because they are scared and new to change, to care about each other because that’s all we’ve got. They showed me a part of me I have long since lived in…and that’s a tough pill to swallow.

And there was a room full of people who reminded me that there are always wounds that need to be healed, that the most minute details can have a major impact, that people are always seeking something and usually the root of that something is a wound that needs healing whether it’s personal, financial, physical, mental, spiritual. The healing of those hurts is what allows them to transcend beyond their reality to create a new one. The healing is what creates their freedom from whatever chains may lay around their ankles, wrists, or necks.

I want more of this. I want more of these moments of vision, compassion, heartfelt caring and empathy and I want more of the moments that bring me to tears as I listen to people share from the back of the room and think to myself awestruck, “I helped create that for that person…wow. I helped to create freedom for that person, I helped to create empowerment for her. I helped to create healing for him. I helped to create a lighter, more conscious world this weekend…”

It’s not OK for things to continue as they are. I have always been willing to stand in the fire and hold space for shifts to occur. I have been standing in the fire long enough…I am beginning to get burned.