Critical Mass

As defined by Merriam - Webster Online Dictionairy
"a size, number, or amount large enough to produce a particular result"

Ya, ok that makes sense, but it's not juicy enough.

But upon scrolling further down the page this elaboration appeared...and became a perfect parallel for an aspect of my life.
"Minimum amount of a given fissionable material necessary to achieve a self-sustaining nuclear chain reaction under specified conditions. Critical mass depends on several factors, including the kind of fissionable material used, its concentration and purity, and the composition and geometry of the surrounding reaction system."

The company I am working for currently has been, for quite some time under perturbation, under pressure and performing in such a way that we have begun to restructure everything that we do, we have begun to solidify who we are as individuals and who we are not, we are willing to take stands when neccessary, our voices have begun to be heard and our team has over time, become more unified. Under all of this pressure and perturbation IS a critical mass waiting for its tipping point.

How often can you take such a large circumstance that repeatedly recurs in your life and spin it around in a positive way, use it to create abundance, use it to empower yourself and others, and watch how your commitment waivers and strengthens with singular thoughts and intentions. And then multiply that by the other people on the team who are consistently doing the same thing. THAT is powerful; THAT is creating momentum from a foundational level; and THAT is unbreakable to a degree. That bond of the 'fissionable material' that is intentionally, not just inherently, creating a self-sustaining chain reaction of events. 

If I break down that last definition and correlate it with my current situation, the fissionable material is the people that make this company run, the staff, the contractors, the vendors, the speakers. The fissionable material used is the kinds of people we are attracting and that are leaving (even when they have been amazing and outstanding). Their presence and shifting is a part of this ability to reach critical mass. It's concentration and purity is directly related to the character and purity of intention of the people and the composition and geometry of the surrounding system is the context in which we are all doing this work.

Perhaps this may seem slightly complicated as a reader, but to me, this is so plain and clear that there is a binding agent keeping us together within a specific context and with a certain purity of intention that has been long in the making.

It is never easy to let go of aspects of what we see as ourselves, just as it is never easy to let go of people who are a part of our team. Maintaining a steady structure and sense of self within all of that is critical to reaching our own critical mass and tipping point as well as critical mass for the places we contribute to. 

Like A Mess

My yoga practice, based on what I am choosing to focus on, was a complete mess last night. I know there are elements to my practice that were great, and in reality, the messiness of it was great too for the catharsis it brought about last night.

My instructor had the gift of spiritual challenge like no other I have ever experienced. Just by way of her instruction and guidance she pushed my every button. She told me not to try advanced poses (which she was probably right about) and just the sheer choice of postures she chose was enough to have me in child's pose for a quarter of the practice wondering WTF!? As she built upon our weaknesses she gave insight into setting strong foundations for more advance poses...like the crow pose or inversions, which are on my vision board as goals for the end of the year...and I wanted to vomit and I could hear the voices in my head saying, "Well actually I am pretty content with a basic flow practice, I don't think I really need to learn those inversions, really what am I going to do with them anyway, this is just a way to reduce stress." But it's not! I want to have the strength and flexibility to do those things! Don't ask my why?!?!?! It's just one of those things within me to help me to challenge what I think I am capable of.

So as I'm dying in downward dog, she takes us back down to the mat and on our back in a mini-savasana (corpse pose, basically lying there like a dead person...blissful!) and asks us to check in with how our body feels. And my body is feeling....emotion...and distinguishing the tears from the sweat becomes impossible for anyone but me, focusing on the breath is like asking me to stop sweating in a sauna, I can't. I can feel the impending heaves and gasps that accompany this kind of cry and yet somehow I manage to find my breath and focus on my body which feels like a blob of paint on the floor. Kind of like in those cartoons where the character melts and all you see is their eyes somewhere in the middle of the blob looking up. That is what I felt like. I allowed myself some moments just to sit with the emotions before parallel thoughts of where else this appears in my life began to float in. Work, relationships, always pushing forward to make something happen instead of being fully present NOW. I am constantly wondering, pondering, calculating and I am so fu^&ing tired!!! It's not THE work, or THE relationships (however non-existent or existent they are), it's not THE future, it's how I am dealing with it or perhaps trying to figure it out!!!

My practice was exhausting, I didn't stay in final savasana (which is opposite to my normal practice) because I could no longer control my breath or my tears. I was pissed off, I was tired and sweaty and I just wanted to go home...and so I did, taking care to take my time, to relax, to let go of my frustration...and more tears and to find that emotional exhaustion point where everything just becomes a bit numb. I watched a bit of the Grammy's, the collaboration, the synergy between the live performances, the energy that builds with mass amounts of people, the healing effect that music can and does have, the melodies that make me smile, the smiles that make my heart sing, the process of creation manifested in art...I let my soul be filled without hesitation.

I will let the mess go.

Me, My Mat and Montreal

I am very happy to have just recently written the last post about my reflections of yoga and the role it has played in my life because I got to reconnect with that part of me this past weekend in Montreal. There really is nothing like walking in -15C weather to the metro station to do yoga in a 32C room for 60-75mins and then go back out and go home. :)

My trip to Montreal was somewhat last minute and very unplanned for the most part, with the final details falling together only days before...mostly because of my own fears and stories about who I would be seeing and how it would all unfold and if you haven't already begun to wonder why I would be fearful of going to Montreal it's because it involves a man and of course by nature, which I am working to reframe, complicates any and all simple situations despite my valiant efforts to keep it simple myself. In all actuality, it was very simple...and then a language barrier created misunderstandings which led to stories, etc, etc, etc...blah blah blah. :) And that's me avoiding the subject entirely...lol.

Having found clarity for my/our confusion, the weekend did offer some amazing experiences that I would not have otherwise had as well as some brilliant and poignant awarenesses that will serve me moving forward. I take pride in my ability to communicate clearly and well and I created situations in which the opposite appeared. I believe in most instances I would walk away and not think twice about it, but this one is different. I want to understand and be understood....perhaps that's because that is one of the heart virtues that I am committed to along with truth! Duh!

You know....if I really get down to what the hell I am trying to say here, it's that I am grateful for reconnecting with myself, with yoga and with other aspects of myself through other people because I was able to see where I would like to put more energy in my life, where my priorities are beginning to solidify and that I am not a selfish bit#$ (as I have previously been called) hehehe :). I am infact very capable of having a balanced life that includes caring both for myself and others.

Good night. :)