Perturbation Point

Firstly, I must admit, I am not an expert in physics. In fact I nearly failed physics in my first year of university. I do understand this though...as explained by one of my teachers and interpreted by none other than me :)

When there is repeated pressure or stress on a single point one of two things happens, explosion or a gradual deterioration of that surface eventually creating a gap, hole, crack in which things can begin to escape through slowly relieving the pressure.

Well in my case this lovely metaphor has taken the shape of me being the object under continual and repeated stress to the point where all barriers have been worn down and slowly but surely the many colourful aspects of my life are being revealed to me. It appears that I am not the only one going through this right now and when speaking to a friend I said, "As much as this sucks, is exhausting and a total energy drain, it is wearing down my ego and all kinds of juicy bullshit from the crevices of my being are being brought up and I am just letting them go because I don't have the energy  or desire to resist them.' So I've let the tears rain down...any and every emotion that I have experienced in any intensity has ended in tears, both good and bad. White wine helps the tears flow in more abundance, it also makes me want to seek comfort via random emails and texts, which is likely why I'm drinking alone in a hotel room with out a roommate (the Universe always knows what I need).

At some point this morning I felt no stress at all and thankfully that carried over through the day. I think I finally let go of whatever I was lugging around with me and yet the release of all that baggage created space for the 'not so supportive' stuff to come up into the light of day, which ultimately means it's time to deal with them. This same weekend last year I was going through the same type of situation only it was being really sick that wore down my ego and forced me into a sobbing mess. And to be quite honest I don't think I was present to any layers that were needing to be removed. Some people saw it fit to remove me from their life, but that turned out to be a blessing as all chaos usually does.

But one thing I realized is that sometimes our stressors, our irritants, our button pushers are not the things, people or situations we actually need to deal with, they are the forces that are breaking us down enough to allow the rest to come to the surface; they are the catalysts. And when we are open to just sitting with all of that stuff and clearing it away or giving it space, the reality of the situation reveals itself. It's crystal clear to me that I can start being more open in my communications about what I really desire, that my habit of assuming is causing me to close doors that were previously wide open, that when I am feeling hurt or wronged by someone, they are simply a mirror for me and are likely feeling the same way either about me or someone else. I will be honest...I don't always assume the best thought I like to think I do!

I just know that as much as I hate these times, I love them because the strength, courage and ability to stand in my vulnerability and my confidence is ten fold what I ever think I am capable of.

Fear of the Unknown

Although letting go has been the theme as of late, I have discovered in some circumstances it's more about fearing the unknown than it is about letting go. When I fear the unknown I grab on to what is familiar and hold tight, not because I want or need it, but because it provides comfort in times of uncertainty.

Lately I've been (well this is kind of an ongoing theme) looking at where I am and where I thought I would be at this point in my life. Um...two totally different places! While the me in both of those visions is equally fulfilled and happy, the manner in which I got there is completely different. I wonder if I had taken a different journey, if I would have learned as much about myself as I have on this one. I wonder had I known this was my journey all along if I'd have ever envisioned the other one. Probably not because I certainly didn't expect or envision this one! Either way I have been living between these two visions trying to find the best of both worlds and integrate them together and that is just not working...period...full stop. (If you're Australian) :)

Because I had no idea about this journey - consciously - and have no idea where it will take me, other than to more of the same and better experiences, it creates fear, where as the other vision has a sort of normalcy to it, a predictability I can follow and be successful at. Not sure how successful I can be at something I don't know. So not only is the fear of the unknown that has me held back, it's my fear of failing at this unknown life that keeps me wanting to do the things I know how to do, be in situations I know I can handle. I know for certain that I am in a place right now where I am needing to trust and feel for the moment to jump because I can jump and I will land on my feet and I am more than capable of succeeding at this unknown life (that I probably created intentionally!) I haven't used this muscle of extraordinary trust in the ways I used to in quite some time. Maybe going on a road trip with $1200, no end date and only desired destinations in mind isn't in the works, but something is and I am open to it. Now, that's not fear...that's excitement!