At some point in our childhood, we’ve had a moment that indicated to us the world was not what we thought it was. Sometimes it’s severely damaging in that moment, other times it simply evolves into deep conditioning throughout our lives until we remember it, unpack it and understand exactly just what happened and how it’s been affecting us.
Today, during a talk with a friend, she asked me a critical and to the point question. “What does freedom look like to you?” and based on my answer her reply was, “So sounds like to me you don’t like people telling you what you can and cannot do.” Which of course was true. Then immediately my higher self stepped in and said, “Well that’s not entirely true because when I come from a place of service, I have no problems taking direction and receiving instructions.” Having said that, it entirely depends on the delivery of the direction and instruction. Anyhow, what we discovered is that my resistance to what I am going to call ‘guidance’ stems from one Good Friday when I was, say five years old.
Good Friday is a day of no meat if you are Catholic, and I believe other religions follow that as well. I wanted a hotdog (which is a debatable meat to begin with) and my Grandma said no. I asked why. She basically said, “it’s Good Friday and you’re a sinner if you have meat.” To which I replied, “So what…” And that of course pushed her buttons and caused a bit of a rucus, which brings me to scar number two of “children should be seen and not heard” (but that’s another post). I think in the end I settled for carrots and potatoes, which I’m sure at the time sucked. The point being, from that experience I learned that I can’t have what I want, or what I want is bound to be stopped by some goofy day, rule, law, guideline, person in charge who doesn’t agree with me…. And so from that I’ve been living like a 5 year old wanting and waiting for a hotdog and for reasons I could not see until now, I’ve either gotten it or not.
Granted there have been times when I’ve wanted things and I have got them, most of those times I’ve gone and done it myself, without anyone knowing or without asking first because that way I will be ensured I’ll at least get what I want for a little while :) It’s totally true though! If I can get it the way I want it, and NOW, I’ll do whatever I can to do it. On rare occasions I’ve been stopped, grounded (in the energetic sense) and guided lovingly towards those things I’ve wanted, often times it’s been my own understanding and doing. When I’m really set on something and I’m certain it’s what I want, I’ll ensure it’s done properly because if it’s not, I run the risk of losing it entirely. Sometimes it frustrates me to have to go through process after process to get to where I want to be and yet I WILL do it, if I want that something bad enough. It’s an inherent part of my life path apparently as a 34/7 (Dan Millman- The Life You Were Born To Live- 4 Process and Stability) I’m like a sneaky good dog…I can be obedient when the end result can be me without a treat, but if the cookie box is open and no one is looking…I might just be all over it and I typically am.
So perhaps some of you can relate to this, or perhaps I’m the only goofball with this little blip. Either way I can at least now recognize when my desires require a little extra effort and at least now I understand why I have issues with people telling me what to do. If only I could have seen my Grandma was trying to ‘guide’ me to be a good little Catholic girl when I was 5, I might have better understood…then again, maybe not. ;)
No comments:
Post a Comment