Double Life

It dawned on me a month ago that in some ways I've been living a double life. The life of Me at home in Ontario and the life of Me outside of that, which at the current moment happens to be BC.

It brings up the question for me of, "Have I really allowed myself to fully show up no matter where I am?" And I believe the answer is no. If I were to allow shades of grey for that answer, I have come a long way and yet there is still some integration that is occurring daily. Can one ever really be oneself or not, for that matter? Or is that a redundant question?

If you live by the philosophy that everything happens for a reason and that reason is there to serve me, then I suppose it doesn't really matter anyways because who I am in the moment is exactly who I am supposed to be for whatever specific purpose I am to serve. And then that brings me to a deeper level of that question. Am I consciously creating myself in every moment or am I allowing myself to be swayed by the exteriors; or is that just a part of who I am anyways?! I am everything and nothing at the same time. I am you and you are me and we are all connected therefore it is possible at times that we can be something other than ourself, which in reality is an illusion in and of itself isn't it?

I suppose that although we are all of the same energy that we each have an individual 'essence' of who we are. Take tomato plants for example. There is an essence of the plant as a species, which to me is robust, juicy, plumb and delicious (even though I only just started liking tomatoes) and then there's an individual essence of every tomato and tomato plant. Some are a little shy, others are loud and big and some just do what they do and produce tomatoes.

I suppose its all good so long as there is awareness and recognition of the disconnect as well as the connectedness to it all. Sometimes I wonder what part of me comes up with all of this...and then again, it really doesn't matter does it.... ;)