This is the time of my life when I am supposedly having the time of my life, marrying friends off, welcoming surrogate nieces and nephews into the world and finding my place in this world; Sort of like the birthright of 20-somethings. And I have married friends off and become the extra 'Auntie', and yet sometimes I feel I haven't done 'enough', I haven't been there when they needed me, like I've let them down.
Why on earth would I feel that way?! Is it because I'm totally engulfed in this whole idea of creating my future and finding a job/career/lifestyle that is fulfilling and makes me happy? I suppose it might be...every day, every action, every thought now goes through a filter... 'Is this what I want? Does this express who I am? Is this serving me in this moment?' Geezus... talk about exhausting sometimes! When do I have time to just LIVE!
Please understand that I chose this for myself. I'm choosing to build solid foundations for my life so I understand this is part of the process (I'm allowed to express my frustration though! I am human). I also understand that every choice I make I am responsible for because I am consciously creating my reality. Some days though, I look at people's pictures and I see all the smiles, all the groups of friends together, all the love and wonder what I'm missing out on by paving my own path. Maybe I'm not missing out on anything; maybe people look at my pictures and see the same things and wonder what they're missing out on by paving their own path. We're all exactly who we are supposed to be right now, where we are supposed to be right now and doing exactly what we're supposed to be doing right now. It's all in perfect order.
And yet there's an overwhelming part of me that feels like I've missed out on all 'those moments' by doing my own thing. And then again, I know there are people feeling like they've missed out on 'my moments'. Would I do anything different? No. So why then do I feel the need to have other people's experiences? That's their life... Why is it that, for me, what I have seems to just fall short of what I want. I want it all! I suppose that if I want it all, I've also got to be willing to let it all go. That statement actually makes sense to me. I've let go of a great deal in the last few years in the sense that I'm no longer clinging to it as if my life depended on it, it's no longer a part of my identity. And yet, there's always another step to take, another depth of letting go to explore, another level of becoming unattached to everything I'm holding on to.
There are so many levels of 'deep' it cannot be explained. Or maybe there's just one level that keeps getting bigger. Who knows. What I do know is that the deeper I go, more profound ideas are revealed and my wisdom takes on greater meaning in my heart. I just wonder if, in this infinite Universe, there is a point at which clarity opens to us like a meadow over a peak and eternal sunshine showers our every cell forever and ever. Maybe we find that place when we die, or maybe we create it within ourselves whenever we're ready to take that step. I just know that every time I think I've found it....there's yet another peak to climb and gorge to navigate. I suppose it's time to change that story.
Don't get me wrong Universe, I am very happy with the life I am creating, my question remains though, "Why Me!!!!" I'm feeling a bit like that kid in elementary school who gets picked to do everything because they're the 'repsonsible one' and 'they can handle it'. Why do I have to do all this 'inner work' when it seems like no one else in my circle of friends (that term is very subjective) has to do it?! Why did I choose this?! Sometimes I feel like I'm carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders! I need help man! I don't know how to do all of this on my own....well I do, however, I need help remembering! Here's my cry for help, for resources, for support, for MONEY for God's sake! Give me a friggin' clue here...
It's one thing for you to ask for help and quite another for you to receive it...unconditionally...
Point taken...
I am open to expressions of letting go of the way in which the Universe decides to help me. So Be It.
I'm still frustrated though...for now. You think you're so smart with your one liners..... :P
Thank you.
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