9 days of hot yoga...might seem like a little, might seem like a lot. It was niether for me, it just was... On day 10 it was very clear to me that my body was asking for a break. I 'thought' I might make a late class and still my body said 'Nope' and so I surrendered to that. I went and had tea, mailed some letters, went to Banyan books and read a book about yoga...
I was practicing in a different way. I was reading a book that looked at the mechanics of yoga, the anatomy of each pose and how the physics of it all worked to benefit the body. I was enthralled. I was learning yoga in a different way....a way I still understood. I was going back to my education in Kinesiology and remembering the functions and areas where muscles and ligaments insert and originate. And I was bringing another element of depth to my practice.
I went to bed happy, tired, but happy and yesterday when I woke up I knew I had a lot to do, but that I would make it to yoga. My body was saying yes. It was also saying, "It's not about making classes Kelly, it's about knowing that yoga is always with you and that physically practicing it is only one part of it. Your body is ready for it again, go when it feels right." And so I ended up back on my mat at the 8:15pm class and sensing that something different was about to happen. All my instructors had participated in the previous class which left me to wonder who was teaching mine.
And then I heard the voice, a MALE voice, welcoming me to practice. Immediately I felt like 'ugh, where are the girls?' and as he continued to talk for what seemed like forever (because I was resisting him being there) I could feel my frustrations rising and my distain for him being anywhere near the class. Talk about having a gift of Spiritual Challenge. He was himself and by being that he pushed my buttons, in a good way of course. Made me wonder if I have the same effect on people with my gift of Spiritual Challenge when I am in a leadership/teaching role. It took me a few poses to get over the fact he was challenging me by simply being himself and teaching how he was teaching but once I did and surrendered to his class oh boy did stuff start to come up.
One phrase that keeps repeating itself to me is "Open your heart". The instructors have been saying it in the poses and it's been a message for me for the last few months in regards to just being in general. Last night as I was shining my heart up to the ceiling it felt SO constricted, like my heart wanted to beat out of my chest, like my ribcage couldn't hold everything that was trying to break free and slowly, on the verge of tears, with the help of the guy (whose name I still don't know) and his instructions to soften our faces, maybe even smile, bring palms to heart centre in prayer and BREATHE I was able to let go of all that was coming up and allow it to move through me.
I ended my practice very greatful that he had taught it. I needed someone who cared enough to call out the bullshit I tell myself while we're in there...without even realizing it. I wonder if he intends to do that or if it just comes naturally to him. Kind of like me, stating the obvious which is not so obvious for everyone because of the stories we tell ourselves. Cut to the crap, get to the truth, be honest...something I think I've been neglecting to do for myself on the level on which I want to do it.
That takes practice and it takes courage, to sit in the truth of who you are, where you are and where you think you should be. It can be a nasty place. But all that nastiness is powerful. When I sit in it and with it and be it I recognize the untrue parts of who I am, the false personas living out, the ego calling for attention. Sometimes there's emotional release, other times it just fades into the days as they pass and on the other side of that nasty place is beauty, transformation, butterflies and sunshine. We all go there, to both places...it's who we are when we are there that matters. That is what allows us to become who we want to become. It is what allows us the space to shine and be great. It's where we find our deepest power and strength.
Sit with the nasty stuff...for a little while. See what it can bring about for you...you might just be surprised.
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