That Critic Again

I have a critic. It sits in my head and heckles me. Every now and again it applauds, but lately it's been pretty vocal. I must be doing something big for it to be so loud because I don't see any other reason for it to make a peep... It has been bringing up shit for me for the last two weeks; triggered by photos, emails, movies, books and posters. It is having a friggin' heyday at the moment and I've actually caught myself engaging in it's conversations! Silly me!

I just remembered a process I've been taken through, I think 4 times now.... and it wasn't until the 4th time that I actually understood what the heck the purpose of the exercise was and how it actually fell into place. Now I'm not sure if it was my resistance to the process or the voice that was guiding me through the process. God bless that man's soul, for he has brilliant work...and an annoying voice. Anyhow! :)

His whole process is centered around life as a movie and having three distinctly different rows of people in the screening room. So (if I remember correctly) there's the 1st row...and remember this is a metaphor for life and how our mind works...

The 1st row is fully participating in life, they're the lead actors acting out everything that goes on. They are the 'doers' or the doing part of our mind and life.

Then there's the 15th row and in the 15th row is where all the critics sit. And these are the people in your life as well as yourself. They sit and watch the movie, sometimes they get a little over involved and feel the need to throw in their 2 or 20 cents at just the right moment. I think in my life, my inner critic has come leaps and bounds as we learn to work together and as my friend Jon puts it becomes an employee of my heart. :)

Then there's the back row. This is where you and I want to spend most of our time. The back row is the observer. It watches the movie and those participating in it AND it watches the row of critics and just observes, fascinated by what unfolds, by how the first row is so affected by the 15th without the observer's intervention. Because (and this is my own conclusion here) the observers role is to observe and rewrite the script if and when neccessary or desired, rewrite the movie, shift how the 1st row responds to the 15th and show a little more love and compassion to the critics because they are seeing the entire picture from a completely different perspective.

So I'm understanding a little differently now, about removing myself from the situations I am creating in my mind and looking at it from a distance. I am feeling less of the anxiety I was before writing this and I'm still wondering when the girl in my movie is going to realize what I see in her and become a leading lady in her life! The fascination with this whole post is that that girl is me and I recognize the disconnect yet am unable to see what its going to take to shift it. I suppose what is revealed after the unknown ...? I trust