Knocked Back into Reality

I headed back to Ontario this past weekend to stand up in my friend Jessie's wedding. It was absolutely beautiful, minus the 85km/hr winds the night of the rehearsal dinner (well that was beautiful too, but in a 'holy the force of Mother Nature' sort of way). The rain held off during the ceremony and pictures and a rainbow graced us the entire time!

I had an absolute blast, as per usual, spending time with my girlfriends catching up, getting all dolled up and dancing the night away. Unfortunately one of our girls couldn't make it to the wedding and it wasn't the same without her, but we aren't much for slowing down so we kept her updated via BBM (BlackBerryMessenger- I learn something new every day!) with photos and messages.

The last time I returned home in the summer I wrote about feeling like I was living a double life and I still feel that way, however I've begun to understand it's purpose a little bit better now, or at least I think I do. When I go home I'm Kelly. I'm fun, outgoing, the adventurer, but above all, I'm just Kelly. Well not 'just' Kelly, but when I'm there I have no expectations of myself, I don't beat myself up about not doing things right or when I feel they should be done, I just do my own thing and that's all everyone expects of me, including me! For some strange reason this has not translated into my life outside of Ontario. Perhaps that has something to do with 27 years of Ontario living in my cells?

So the fascinating part about all of this is that, yet again, I have realized another way in which I am the only thing standing in my way. I'm the one with all the expectations, all the judgement and ridicule of myself. When I'm talking to people at home they look at me as if I'm crazy, which I am, and yet it's a different crazy, as in "Why do you think so much about what you want to do, why is everything so deep and analytical? Do you ever just live your life?" Haha, here I go analyzing and criticizing...ah, deep breath and smile :)

I realized I have moments. Moments when I am living my life, moments when the analytical side of me is sound asleep and I just go with the flow of life, moments when my mind is completely shut off and the world operates without it. Moments where my mind is working with me for my greater good, and once in a while moments when I'm am 100% accepting of my life as it is and willing to take the next step and the next and the next after that.

I'm very appreciative for the people in my life who bring me back to reality, instantly ground me and knock me out of my head and at the same time are happy to say goodbye and wish me well on my next adventure, whatever it may be knowing that we'll meet up again soon and it will be just as great if not better than the last time! Secretly hoping that I'll actually put some roots down somewhere so they can get out of Ontario to come and visit ME! lol. AND I also appreciate those people who help me to see the greater side of who I can become if I so choose and who always keep me growing beyond who I ever thought I was capable of being yesterday and today and tomorrow.

For me, it has been very easy to get caught up in my own fantastical creations of my very own fairytale (in the sense of purpose and vision coming to fruition) and forget about the real life practicality of it all. "We are spiritual beings here to have a human experience." A useful and recurring reminder for me lately. :) My understanding of that phrase is evolving...yet again!