I'm tempted to say that Rose (lets give her a nickname too...) Long Braids Big Smile, who is one of the yoga instructors, is a tyrant and has no mercy, which at times she doesn't, and at the same time that is totally a false statement because in reality, she cares. She cares that I am there, that the person next to me, behind me, in front of me is there. She cares that we have all come to that studio for our own reasons and she cares that we get what we are looking for.
Now based on the workout she's put me through the last two nights, I'd say she cares about me (and everyone else) finding strength and a serious challenge with our practice. She doesn't stop talking the entire session and she's always talking about feeling the burn, checking in with our bodies, 'what are they saying?' Everytime she asks that I want to scream, "IT'S SAYING TIME FOR A NEW POSE! INHALE AND RELEASE!!!"
Last night's session was the most difficult that I have experienced yet. Most of it was in my head. Some of it was in my body, but my head used that little bit of body chatter to try and take me out. And then came Little Braids Big Smile. "Bring your Tuesday Warrior, whatever that looks like and feels like to you. Just show up and BE that."
I looked at myself in the mirror, felt the ache, no longer just a burn, but the ache in both my legs and my arms and I let go and grabbed some water. I know in these poses, my lapses are only momentary. Fall down and get back up. For my KingDancer pose (lifting my foot behind me with my hand- I like it because it reminds me of figure skating) I had nothing. I more or less just stood there and stretched my quads. I looked in the mirror and said, "Why hello Tuesday Warrior, aren't you looking lovely." to myself with a hint of sarcasm and distain and a fleeting thought of self love from the previous practice. "Tuesday Warrior".
Then we got to the flow sequence, which until yesterday I had spent in child's pose mainly because going from upwarad to downward dog kills my back and then to do it in a sauna....cardio overload. But yesterday Long Braids Big Smile thought she would open up the door because "the flow sequence tends to spice things up a bit". (Can you see me rolling my eyes?!) The second I felt that cool breeze on my back I was in downward dog, then plank, then upward dog and back to downward dog. I did it! Sloppily, but I did it! I didn't complete the entire series, but 3 was plenty for me. My Tuesday Warrior was on her game, just not when I thought it was going to be!
It was a beautiful practice to allow myself to BE exactly where I was no matter how much I wanted to be elsewhere because when the time came, I was ready to do something new and dabble in yet another way to expand my ability to learn and grow and participate in life.
So BE that Warrior on whatever day of the week it is, or whatever hour of the day and allow that to be who you are for that time. When your Warrior isn't quite who you thought, or wanted it to be, love it anyway and honour that maybe it's a bit wounded, or dehydrated, or tired, or irritated and allow it the space to find itself once more. Allow that Warrior to rest and become the Wizard who can take on many forms and cares not what it looks like because it always looks 'perfect' for that moment and when the Warrior has rested enough it will return...and if not...well the Wizard is always great at making things happen in its own way so go with the flow.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Self Love in the Arms of Yoga?
I don't know that yoga has arms. I have arms, that I use to do yoga with... :) And for last night's yoga session I set an intention for 'self love' (after I reminded myself to SIMPLIFY my intention...)
Something about having really long intentions is a misfit for me. I like to be able to remember them quickly and accurately. They hold more power. So instead of "my intention is to release..., nope wait, I've been releasing a lot lately, let's bring something in. My intention is to bring in, no, open to more experiences, no STOP! Keep it simple. OK self love. My intention is to have self love." And then I was able to let my mind attach things to it. Self love in my yoga practice tonight, in every pose, in my communications with others, in my eating choices, in my lifestyle choices. I will bring and be self love.
During my practice I caught myself pushing myself, and saying, you can push just a little further, straighten those legs just a little more....no self love. Love where you are. Smile for God's sake! :) and so I did and it was one of the most beautiful practices. There were lots of times I didn't love myself, one time I almost even cried because I just wanted to be able to go that little bit deeper into the pose. And that sounds silly, but I can go into this particular stretch anytime and any place and have the same feeling. There is energy attached to that muscle group that dates back to days I obviously don't remember and it is reminiscent of anger and rage and lots of sadness. I WANT to go there, to see what's there and to allow it to recieve my breath and heal itself, and it's just not happening quite yet.
Perhaps I will change that story and I've been there or have planned a trip there, it is actually already healed, I already know what's there and simply need a reminder.
But back to self love. A lovely gentleman who I will name 'Man with Pink Polished Toes' was talking about electrolytes and how awesome he felt when he put them in his water. And my thoughts went back to one particular person at camp who always said, "Um.. if people are eating properly like normal people, there should be no need to give anyone electrolytes." Which then triggered the thoughts of "What exactly did I eat today? Am I eating properly?" And if I'm being totally honest with myself, my diet has sucked lately. Not that I'm eating a tonne of junk, but that I'm just not eating much and when I do I'm lazy about what I make. So 'Man with Pink Polished Toes', thank you for the reminder to be more mindful of my eating habits and to nourish my body with both what it needs and what it wants :) Ice cream.....and Christmas cookies.....
For dessert of course...
Something about having really long intentions is a misfit for me. I like to be able to remember them quickly and accurately. They hold more power. So instead of "my intention is to release..., nope wait, I've been releasing a lot lately, let's bring something in. My intention is to bring in, no, open to more experiences, no STOP! Keep it simple. OK self love. My intention is to have self love." And then I was able to let my mind attach things to it. Self love in my yoga practice tonight, in every pose, in my communications with others, in my eating choices, in my lifestyle choices. I will bring and be self love.
During my practice I caught myself pushing myself, and saying, you can push just a little further, straighten those legs just a little more....no self love. Love where you are. Smile for God's sake! :) and so I did and it was one of the most beautiful practices. There were lots of times I didn't love myself, one time I almost even cried because I just wanted to be able to go that little bit deeper into the pose. And that sounds silly, but I can go into this particular stretch anytime and any place and have the same feeling. There is energy attached to that muscle group that dates back to days I obviously don't remember and it is reminiscent of anger and rage and lots of sadness. I WANT to go there, to see what's there and to allow it to recieve my breath and heal itself, and it's just not happening quite yet.
Perhaps I will change that story and I've been there or have planned a trip there, it is actually already healed, I already know what's there and simply need a reminder.
But back to self love. A lovely gentleman who I will name 'Man with Pink Polished Toes' was talking about electrolytes and how awesome he felt when he put them in his water. And my thoughts went back to one particular person at camp who always said, "Um.. if people are eating properly like normal people, there should be no need to give anyone electrolytes." Which then triggered the thoughts of "What exactly did I eat today? Am I eating properly?" And if I'm being totally honest with myself, my diet has sucked lately. Not that I'm eating a tonne of junk, but that I'm just not eating much and when I do I'm lazy about what I make. So 'Man with Pink Polished Toes', thank you for the reminder to be more mindful of my eating habits and to nourish my body with both what it needs and what it wants :) Ice cream.....and Christmas cookies.....
For dessert of course...
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Crash Course in Kelly
This past weekend I was working in Toronto in my new position on the Excel Team with Peak Potentials. This position came about in the perfect manner for me...slowly, with appeal and lots of honesty. I will say I did have to practice a hell of a lot of patience with the confirmation of things, which to my surprise came fairly easily, once I caught myself creating my own dramas.
I was pretty nervous to be working the event as it was my first time ever being trained specifically as a Sales Manager (I'm not even sure that's the term we use...lol) Anyhow, my point is that this position would never have even been within the scope of my radar two years ago because my radar was trained only to look for jobs in the fields I thought were a fit for me. Regardless of that, between then and now I obviously opened my eyes to new opportunities and brought my vibration in alignment more with who I am and what I am meant to be doing here.
It was an interesting weekend for me as I transitioned from Karma Krew to Excel Team. As Karma Krew, I became highly attuned to the logistical side of events; all the little details of whens, wheres and how of things that needed to be done. As Excel Team I had to entirely detach from that process and focus on learning my new role. After set-up day I was burnt out and I attribute most of that to my resistance towards the transition between the two and constantly having to tell myself "That is not my job today."
To some that may seem irresponsible, but look at it this way. We all work together as a team and when there are things that need to be taken care of, the proper people are notified and they are taken care of. How am I serving myself and others if I am constantly doing their job and neglecting my own? Good question to ask yourelf as well....cuz I know this happens outside of my experience as well. It's one thing to tell someone they're about to get hit by the bus if they don't move, and an entirely different thing if you say nothing and throw them under it...
After a night's sleep (not particularly good. lol) we showed up for the event. The second I got there and saw everything about to begin, I was home. I knew what to do, who to be and what I wanted to see. Talk about confirmation of being on purpose. I still had a lot of learning to do because I was coming from an entirely new perspective and I feel that by the last day I was the most comfortable with myself and my new position. I felt it took far longer for ME to appear in the midst of all the new information being downloaded into my being and yet somewhere in it all, I was still there, the participants still saw me and I was able to shine like the star that I am...with training I know the skills will come more naturally and my authentic self will take over and I look forward to that day when it all just happens naturally, all the time.
Perhaps I can change that story now. It's always natural and authentic and the skills blend easily into my being. The benefits of everything being energy and everything being connected. Everything already is as we see it...
I was pretty nervous to be working the event as it was my first time ever being trained specifically as a Sales Manager (I'm not even sure that's the term we use...lol) Anyhow, my point is that this position would never have even been within the scope of my radar two years ago because my radar was trained only to look for jobs in the fields I thought were a fit for me. Regardless of that, between then and now I obviously opened my eyes to new opportunities and brought my vibration in alignment more with who I am and what I am meant to be doing here.
It was an interesting weekend for me as I transitioned from Karma Krew to Excel Team. As Karma Krew, I became highly attuned to the logistical side of events; all the little details of whens, wheres and how of things that needed to be done. As Excel Team I had to entirely detach from that process and focus on learning my new role. After set-up day I was burnt out and I attribute most of that to my resistance towards the transition between the two and constantly having to tell myself "That is not my job today."
To some that may seem irresponsible, but look at it this way. We all work together as a team and when there are things that need to be taken care of, the proper people are notified and they are taken care of. How am I serving myself and others if I am constantly doing their job and neglecting my own? Good question to ask yourelf as well....cuz I know this happens outside of my experience as well. It's one thing to tell someone they're about to get hit by the bus if they don't move, and an entirely different thing if you say nothing and throw them under it...
After a night's sleep (not particularly good. lol) we showed up for the event. The second I got there and saw everything about to begin, I was home. I knew what to do, who to be and what I wanted to see. Talk about confirmation of being on purpose. I still had a lot of learning to do because I was coming from an entirely new perspective and I feel that by the last day I was the most comfortable with myself and my new position. I felt it took far longer for ME to appear in the midst of all the new information being downloaded into my being and yet somewhere in it all, I was still there, the participants still saw me and I was able to shine like the star that I am...with training I know the skills will come more naturally and my authentic self will take over and I look forward to that day when it all just happens naturally, all the time.
Perhaps I can change that story now. It's always natural and authentic and the skills blend easily into my being. The benefits of everything being energy and everything being connected. Everything already is as we see it...
Saturday, December 4, 2010
A Little Yoga Never Hurt
Funny I make that the title of this blog, because that's exactly how I hurt myself in the first place. Doing yoga in my living room I pulled my back and for the last four years on and off I've been dealing with some variation and intensity of it's occurrance.
In the beginning it hurt like hell, riding in cars was unbearable. In fact, the only thing that seemed to dull the pain, was ironicallly yoga or bouts of dancing and some beers. At some point the pain just became a part of daily life. In Australia, I hardly noticed it, whether or not that's because it was or was not there I'm not entirely sure. When I started doing courses with Peak Potentials, there was a good 7 months where it was almost entirely gone (haha, a time when I was doing yoga often), it was as if I was 10 again, climbing trees, jumping around and doing crazy stuff and then it came back like a tonne of bricks when I started working at the Chiropractic clinic. Same time I also did Enlightened Warrior and Ultimate Leadership. I can sit here and try and tie them all together and figure out exactly what I was feeling, or being 'out of alignment' with, but the 'bottom line' was that there was something going on I wasn't dealing with. Or at least that's what I decided to believe. That was the last time I did yoga...fall 2008.
Making that decision to start listening to my body signals began a serious period of introspection and lots and lots of processing, clearing and intending, not to mention healing. But when I decided to come out to Vancouver in February my intention was to heal, write and get re-focused. What I thought healing was and what I actually got were two entirely different things! I envisioned myself going to Bikram's Yoga for an entire month and devoting my time to reuniting with my body. Ya, that was the last thing I did over this last year....until now.
Yesterday I did it. I bought a one month pass to a hot yoga studio with the intention of using this month of December to do that healing I had evisioned at the start of the year. As I laid on the mat before the session started, feeling the heat in more than the physical sense, I heard that voice, "Are you sure?" I started the session and about 4 poses in when my thighs were burning and shaking and we had to squat down for another pose, "What did you get yourself into...and PS. YOU ARE OUT OF SHAPE MISSY!"
Then of course I'm irritated because my towel is just a tad too long for my stance so I've got to adjust it everytime we switch poses cuz I'm sliding everywhere. And then the serious sweat comes on. Thankfully I wasn't as sweaty as the man infront of me, who had a puddle surrounding his entire mat. And as much as I enjoy looking at the masculine physique (and I do enjoy that and his was nice) he was wearing his underwear, briefs no less, and he was dripping from EVERY possible part of his body! {Learn to love everyone and everything Kelly...even briefs...let it go...:) }
Finally we get to the sitting poses where a) I don't have to look at dripping man anymore, b) I get to SIT! c) I get to stretch, which was what I was craving, and I think my body too...
Of course I felt amazing afterwards...how can't you when you end in savasana and just lay there, eyes closed and feeling the world around you instead of the chaos in my mind.
When I woke up this morning all I could feel was my butt muscles moaning in stiffness and that voice, "You sure you wanna do this again today? That's just punishment." And perhaps it is, but based on all the stuff that keeps coming up for me today as a result, I'm obviously clearing and sweating out something more than my weight in water.
Looking forward to this journey...and all it reveals and how damn good I'm gonna feel. YUM!
In the beginning it hurt like hell, riding in cars was unbearable. In fact, the only thing that seemed to dull the pain, was ironicallly yoga or bouts of dancing and some beers. At some point the pain just became a part of daily life. In Australia, I hardly noticed it, whether or not that's because it was or was not there I'm not entirely sure. When I started doing courses with Peak Potentials, there was a good 7 months where it was almost entirely gone (haha, a time when I was doing yoga often), it was as if I was 10 again, climbing trees, jumping around and doing crazy stuff and then it came back like a tonne of bricks when I started working at the Chiropractic clinic. Same time I also did Enlightened Warrior and Ultimate Leadership. I can sit here and try and tie them all together and figure out exactly what I was feeling, or being 'out of alignment' with, but the 'bottom line' was that there was something going on I wasn't dealing with. Or at least that's what I decided to believe. That was the last time I did yoga...fall 2008.
Making that decision to start listening to my body signals began a serious period of introspection and lots and lots of processing, clearing and intending, not to mention healing. But when I decided to come out to Vancouver in February my intention was to heal, write and get re-focused. What I thought healing was and what I actually got were two entirely different things! I envisioned myself going to Bikram's Yoga for an entire month and devoting my time to reuniting with my body. Ya, that was the last thing I did over this last year....until now.
Yesterday I did it. I bought a one month pass to a hot yoga studio with the intention of using this month of December to do that healing I had evisioned at the start of the year. As I laid on the mat before the session started, feeling the heat in more than the physical sense, I heard that voice, "Are you sure?" I started the session and about 4 poses in when my thighs were burning and shaking and we had to squat down for another pose, "What did you get yourself into...and PS. YOU ARE OUT OF SHAPE MISSY!"
Then of course I'm irritated because my towel is just a tad too long for my stance so I've got to adjust it everytime we switch poses cuz I'm sliding everywhere. And then the serious sweat comes on. Thankfully I wasn't as sweaty as the man infront of me, who had a puddle surrounding his entire mat. And as much as I enjoy looking at the masculine physique (and I do enjoy that and his was nice) he was wearing his underwear, briefs no less, and he was dripping from EVERY possible part of his body! {Learn to love everyone and everything Kelly...even briefs...let it go...:) }
Finally we get to the sitting poses where a) I don't have to look at dripping man anymore, b) I get to SIT! c) I get to stretch, which was what I was craving, and I think my body too...
Of course I felt amazing afterwards...how can't you when you end in savasana and just lay there, eyes closed and feeling the world around you instead of the chaos in my mind.
When I woke up this morning all I could feel was my butt muscles moaning in stiffness and that voice, "You sure you wanna do this again today? That's just punishment." And perhaps it is, but based on all the stuff that keeps coming up for me today as a result, I'm obviously clearing and sweating out something more than my weight in water.
Looking forward to this journey...and all it reveals and how damn good I'm gonna feel. YUM!
Friday, December 3, 2010
Displacement
... the difference between the initial position of something (as a body or geometric figure) and any later position (Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary)
This word keeps popping into my head as I sit here feeling slightly lost. I know where I am. I'm in Vancouver and yet I somehow feel strangely disconnected from this life I have out here. Perhaps it was all the great reconnecting that occurred when I was back home in Ontario. And perhaps I am simply entering another cycle or phase in my life.
When I flew back out here it was an odd sensation of knowing that Vancouver was a city that I was no longer holding onto. I like being here and it certainly has been an amazing experience yet I'm not scared to leave it any more. I'm not attached to staying here anymore. I know I can always and will always return. So while that is brewing within me there is this growing sensation of displacement.
When I went for a walk today I spoke out loud, "I don't belong here...then where do I belong?" And as I refer to it now, I can see that it has less to do with my geographical locale and more to do with my energy and my state of being. I'm not sure what about it is off, but I feel like I'm back in high school again. Simply going through the motions of life, with a sense of purpose and knowing that I am in the right place, but without understanding why.
That was highschool. I did what I needed to do and then got the hell out of there. Mind you, at that point in my life 9 years ago (again with the cycles) I was running towards my freedom without even the slightest clue of what tied me down. This is quite fascinating for me to sit with all of this and let it integrate and release and still move forward. And this concept of cycles that I have been opened to in the past, is hitting me directly in the forehead right now and because of my age then and now, I have a clear recollection of what I was going through then and what I am going through now.
Drawing parallels is a cool thing to do. Sometimes they are my own hallucinations and other times they make total sense and resonate highly with where I am. Doesn't mean I still don't feel what I'm feeling or that I'm destined to feel that way every nine years, simply means I'm entering someplace new on a new wave length, with greater consciousness and FAR deeper understanding of who I am and my own truths.
Displacement- the difference between the initial position of something and any later position...hmm.
This word keeps popping into my head as I sit here feeling slightly lost. I know where I am. I'm in Vancouver and yet I somehow feel strangely disconnected from this life I have out here. Perhaps it was all the great reconnecting that occurred when I was back home in Ontario. And perhaps I am simply entering another cycle or phase in my life.
When I flew back out here it was an odd sensation of knowing that Vancouver was a city that I was no longer holding onto. I like being here and it certainly has been an amazing experience yet I'm not scared to leave it any more. I'm not attached to staying here anymore. I know I can always and will always return. So while that is brewing within me there is this growing sensation of displacement.
When I went for a walk today I spoke out loud, "I don't belong here...then where do I belong?" And as I refer to it now, I can see that it has less to do with my geographical locale and more to do with my energy and my state of being. I'm not sure what about it is off, but I feel like I'm back in high school again. Simply going through the motions of life, with a sense of purpose and knowing that I am in the right place, but without understanding why.
That was highschool. I did what I needed to do and then got the hell out of there. Mind you, at that point in my life 9 years ago (again with the cycles) I was running towards my freedom without even the slightest clue of what tied me down. This is quite fascinating for me to sit with all of this and let it integrate and release and still move forward. And this concept of cycles that I have been opened to in the past, is hitting me directly in the forehead right now and because of my age then and now, I have a clear recollection of what I was going through then and what I am going through now.
Drawing parallels is a cool thing to do. Sometimes they are my own hallucinations and other times they make total sense and resonate highly with where I am. Doesn't mean I still don't feel what I'm feeling or that I'm destined to feel that way every nine years, simply means I'm entering someplace new on a new wave length, with greater consciousness and FAR deeper understanding of who I am and my own truths.
Displacement- the difference between the initial position of something and any later position...hmm.
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