I do my best to refrain from using the word 'bored' because there are a million things one could do...believe me, my mom tells me this all the time! It's not so much that there aren't things for me to do, it's that I choose not to do them.
Working for a company that had me on the go all the time never gave me a chance to be bored and when I had the down time I WANTED to be bored and recharge. I've found over the last months, having not worked and been fairly restricted to my immediate geographic area due to family situations, that previous practice probably wasn't the best kind of practice to have because I think I have made it a habit!
Life actually is quite good rather than boring. I've had a road filled with potholes and speed bumps since 2014 rolled around, yet when I take a step back. Life is good. I could be really happy if I chose to be! I could feel super fit if I used my gym membership as often as I had planned to. Here's the reality though...things being good (for me) has gotten boring so I have managed to create emotional drama in my life. Things are good so instead of making them better or maintaining them I've somehow decided it was better to make them appear or at the very least FEEL worse! HOW FASCINATING!!!!!
Did I subscribe to some kind of programming that said, "You aren't working therefore you need to be really dramatic and emotional and go through some major changes". Is this what I do to myself? Invent chaos so that I can feel something, experience some dynamics, express myself??? If that's the case perhaps I should take up a drama class!
I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that reason is there to serve me. The timing of everything is always perfect. Perhaps the universe wasn't thinking about whether I'd be dramatically assessing all the nuances of every experience conspiring to knock me down, but rather, it was looking out for me and assuming this girl needs time and space to process shit, and since she can't do it while she works, it's going to have to wait until she takes some time away. :) Maybe....just maybe....
It's good I can look bad and have a chuckle and sigh some relief.
Back to that girl who needed time and space to process shit.
For the first time in 5 months I felt alive. Chasing a herding dog in a big back yard, hearing the crunching ice under my boots, feeling the cold air in my lungs and stinging my cheeks and having nothing in my head except for the thoughts of which stick I would race him to in hopes I would arrive first to throw it so I could chase him again. I felt joy. I felt peace. I felt reconnected.
That feeling of life was so subtle, but so noticeable that my goal is to make sure I feel that every day.
I know these blog posts haven't been entirely insightful or revealing the last while. That's ok. It's my blog :) . I am grateful for the space to share, that people read and also if what I have shared was even a source of a smile. Life isn't always great, but it isn't always bad either. Understanding how I create the bad has been a huge awareness I am still practicing. Thank you for standing around me and supporting. It is deeply respected and appreciated.
Much love. xo
Friday, March 28, 2014
Sunday, February 2, 2014
Captain We Have A Problem...
My 'bullshit meter' has been compromised...
For some time now I have felt in between somewhere and somewhere else, not knowing where either of those places or spaces are, but knowing that I bounce around (more like stumble) between the two confidently and often. It's only when I reach 'somewhere else' that I feel like I have no idea where I am in my life and head back in the other direction. If you are feeling exhausted and tired reading this, then you get the drift of what it feels like in my head some days.
I have to stop myself, look around and remember I only have this moment. And the culmination of moments in the past couple months has taken a toll on me. A lot of change has been occurring, some voluntary, some not and in the process my ability to sense my way through my own life has been diminished.
Those 'gut reactions' have been weak, my pulse on who people are has been inaccurate and my confidence in myself has been slowing dwindling. My fire is burning out and I have been my only cheerleader.
Being my only cheerleader was a bit of an eye opener. "Surely there are people cheering me on...right?". Yes, I am sure there are people cheering me on. I just don't know where they are, or who they are or whether I have simply muted them in my stint of 'doing it all by myself'.
This is a toughie for me. I am a cheerleader for many people. While I empower them to make their own decisions I also encourage them to take risks and go for it. Just like I do in my own little pep talks...they just aren't as effective when it feels like it's only me that believes in me. But perhaps that's the irony of it all...maybe everyone else believes in me, but I don't believe in myself! That would explain why I'm tired of giving myself pep talks!
That is a bit of a hard pill to swallow. Necessary to move forward though. Captain, we have uncovered the problem, onto solutions!
For some time now I have felt in between somewhere and somewhere else, not knowing where either of those places or spaces are, but knowing that I bounce around (more like stumble) between the two confidently and often. It's only when I reach 'somewhere else' that I feel like I have no idea where I am in my life and head back in the other direction. If you are feeling exhausted and tired reading this, then you get the drift of what it feels like in my head some days.
I have to stop myself, look around and remember I only have this moment. And the culmination of moments in the past couple months has taken a toll on me. A lot of change has been occurring, some voluntary, some not and in the process my ability to sense my way through my own life has been diminished.
Those 'gut reactions' have been weak, my pulse on who people are has been inaccurate and my confidence in myself has been slowing dwindling. My fire is burning out and I have been my only cheerleader.
Being my only cheerleader was a bit of an eye opener. "Surely there are people cheering me on...right?". Yes, I am sure there are people cheering me on. I just don't know where they are, or who they are or whether I have simply muted them in my stint of 'doing it all by myself'.
This is a toughie for me. I am a cheerleader for many people. While I empower them to make their own decisions I also encourage them to take risks and go for it. Just like I do in my own little pep talks...they just aren't as effective when it feels like it's only me that believes in me. But perhaps that's the irony of it all...maybe everyone else believes in me, but I don't believe in myself! That would explain why I'm tired of giving myself pep talks!
That is a bit of a hard pill to swallow. Necessary to move forward though. Captain, we have uncovered the problem, onto solutions!
Friday, December 6, 2013
Helpless and Hopeful
Sometimes life is simply beyond my control and out of my hands...
What seems like months ago, actually only 2 weeks, my Gram was admitted to the hospital. Three days prior to that she had already been to the emergency room with complaints of horrible back pain. They pumped her full of pain meds and let her on her way. Now my girlfriend who works in ER would probably encourage me to see the bigger picture before bashing the health care system in Leamington for not running further tests. Truthfully it's not because they wouldn't run further tests that I am peeved, it's because they never took the time to determine how out of the ordinary this scenario was for my Grandma.
She is 83, 84 on Monday, and very active. She walks, she drives, she moved OUT of a condo and into a townhouse last year so she could have a little yard to tend to if she wanted. She volunteers at the nursing home pushing people younger than her down the hallways to Bingo and to get their hair done. She goes out every Thursday to get her own hair done and watches hockey like it's her job! THIS was out of the norm for her, so I am pissed that she got treated as 'just another old person coming in with aches and pains'. Now perhaps my Gram made little fuss about this, blowing it off and hoping it would pass......it didn't. So what started off as horrible back pain spiraled fairly quickly into kidney failure, blood infections and the true source (likely) of everything INCLUDING the pain, an infected abscess on her spinal cord resulting in back surgery. Since then she's been on a road to recovery, laced with minor setbacks that are quickly taken care of.
Perhaps odd, and perhaps not, once they determined what the source of pain was and informed us they were going to operate on it, I felt totally at peace. She was in the hands of an extremely great neurosurgeon whose confidence and humility reminded me that sometimes it's just time to let go and let God. Some people were put on this earth to perform miraculous things and they come in all shapes, sizes, races and genders. They are skilled and the really good ones are also gifted ontop of that. When you go to a surgeon's website and they state that belief and prayer can far outweigh medication....whew....you've got someone who sees a much bigger picture! My kind of professional!
Prior to the surgery there were frequent visits to the part of my brain that said 'what if she doesn't make it through this?' but since then all I can think about is 'when will she get home' rather than 'will she get home'. Mind you, the road between here and there has it's own challenges. A very impatient and fed up woman who would, if she could, walk out the doors tomorrow, lays in a hospital bed every single day frustrated as hell. She has good days and bad days, today was rough. She has physio and she can walk, just not far. She is slowly building back her strength while endurance is another story. But it's hard to see her in her bed when she's unhappy. When she can't quite lay right or get comfy or she's restless or hungry because the hospital food tastes like crap (it really does....I tried it). The worst is when she dreads the night time. She says it's as if time stands still in those hours between dark and daylight.
It's funny because she was originally supposed to have a mastectomy on Nov 26...instead she had back surgery...makes me wonder whether she would have ever made it through had it all gone according to 'the plans' with all the other complications she encountered. But that, I will never know the answer too and I am ok not knowing the answer to that one because it is not an issue that is even on the table right now. My deepest hope and belief is that the cancer was just a manifestation of all the other shit and once this heals, perhaps it will be gone as well. I am grateful for the hospital teams and I am also grateful that I have alternative perspectives to provide myself and my family about the entire thing. Not that everyone listens all the time, yet I know it goes in there somewhere :)
I have learned that we all do things because we care and on the other side of that coin is a different kind of caring; a caring that says, I need to give all of this space, I need to give you space, I am not the person who can help you right now, but I will sit here in case I can. I say we because I have seen it every day for the last two weeks with family after family going through the intensive care unit. I can also say I because doing things is a way I show I care just the same as not doing things and just being is as well.
I am proud of myself for acting upon the important things in my life and for asking for support when I really needed it without hesitation and from the people I 'didn't want to bother'. Turns out that asking others to care, even just a little, can result in some powerful peace, gratitude and release.
Thank you ;)
What seems like months ago, actually only 2 weeks, my Gram was admitted to the hospital. Three days prior to that she had already been to the emergency room with complaints of horrible back pain. They pumped her full of pain meds and let her on her way. Now my girlfriend who works in ER would probably encourage me to see the bigger picture before bashing the health care system in Leamington for not running further tests. Truthfully it's not because they wouldn't run further tests that I am peeved, it's because they never took the time to determine how out of the ordinary this scenario was for my Grandma.
She is 83, 84 on Monday, and very active. She walks, she drives, she moved OUT of a condo and into a townhouse last year so she could have a little yard to tend to if she wanted. She volunteers at the nursing home pushing people younger than her down the hallways to Bingo and to get their hair done. She goes out every Thursday to get her own hair done and watches hockey like it's her job! THIS was out of the norm for her, so I am pissed that she got treated as 'just another old person coming in with aches and pains'. Now perhaps my Gram made little fuss about this, blowing it off and hoping it would pass......it didn't. So what started off as horrible back pain spiraled fairly quickly into kidney failure, blood infections and the true source (likely) of everything INCLUDING the pain, an infected abscess on her spinal cord resulting in back surgery. Since then she's been on a road to recovery, laced with minor setbacks that are quickly taken care of.
Perhaps odd, and perhaps not, once they determined what the source of pain was and informed us they were going to operate on it, I felt totally at peace. She was in the hands of an extremely great neurosurgeon whose confidence and humility reminded me that sometimes it's just time to let go and let God. Some people were put on this earth to perform miraculous things and they come in all shapes, sizes, races and genders. They are skilled and the really good ones are also gifted ontop of that. When you go to a surgeon's website and they state that belief and prayer can far outweigh medication....whew....you've got someone who sees a much bigger picture! My kind of professional!
Prior to the surgery there were frequent visits to the part of my brain that said 'what if she doesn't make it through this?' but since then all I can think about is 'when will she get home' rather than 'will she get home'. Mind you, the road between here and there has it's own challenges. A very impatient and fed up woman who would, if she could, walk out the doors tomorrow, lays in a hospital bed every single day frustrated as hell. She has good days and bad days, today was rough. She has physio and she can walk, just not far. She is slowly building back her strength while endurance is another story. But it's hard to see her in her bed when she's unhappy. When she can't quite lay right or get comfy or she's restless or hungry because the hospital food tastes like crap (it really does....I tried it). The worst is when she dreads the night time. She says it's as if time stands still in those hours between dark and daylight.
It's funny because she was originally supposed to have a mastectomy on Nov 26...instead she had back surgery...makes me wonder whether she would have ever made it through had it all gone according to 'the plans' with all the other complications she encountered. But that, I will never know the answer too and I am ok not knowing the answer to that one because it is not an issue that is even on the table right now. My deepest hope and belief is that the cancer was just a manifestation of all the other shit and once this heals, perhaps it will be gone as well. I am grateful for the hospital teams and I am also grateful that I have alternative perspectives to provide myself and my family about the entire thing. Not that everyone listens all the time, yet I know it goes in there somewhere :)
I have learned that we all do things because we care and on the other side of that coin is a different kind of caring; a caring that says, I need to give all of this space, I need to give you space, I am not the person who can help you right now, but I will sit here in case I can. I say we because I have seen it every day for the last two weeks with family after family going through the intensive care unit. I can also say I because doing things is a way I show I care just the same as not doing things and just being is as well.
I am proud of myself for acting upon the important things in my life and for asking for support when I really needed it without hesitation and from the people I 'didn't want to bother'. Turns out that asking others to care, even just a little, can result in some powerful peace, gratitude and release.
Thank you ;)
Monday, November 4, 2013
Distressed - Life and DIY
I have had a lot of time off from work, which has been VERY welcome as I often spend months between cities and hotels. I recently repainted my room. The change in colour unleashed a streak of transromation both in my life and in my decor. Simplify. My room has gone from a modpodge of unkempt 'stuff' sheltered by orange/yellow walls to simple, soothing light purple and greyish white and a more monochromatic scheme of decor. Blacks, whites, small specs of coloured decor and tidiness. Everything has a place, if it doesn't, it's in a box under my bed! Truth be told, changing my environment has helped me shift my life as well. Simplify....no facebook!!!!! It's great! I have so much more time to putz around with DIY projects and actually see just how creative I can be!
My Frame Project Tutorial...
I really wanted to keep this frame, but the brown didn't really go with the theme of the room. Enter Pinterest and Google :) I am pretty sure the site I used the most was Decorating Bug. I will tell you what I did anyways.
Materials:
- item to distress
- two colours of paint (or just one depending on the look you want)
- paint brush
- sand paper (probably not the heavy duty stuff though)- no sand paper? try steel wool or pumice stone...something rough
I tend to try and use materials and things that are already around my house instead of going out and buying new stuff. Be resourceful. You might find you are more creative than you thought. ;)
PS. Avocados were on sale for 77cents this week.
(Don't mind my 'table protection'. My workspace is currently my mom's kitchen table!)
(Don't mind my 'table protection'. My workspace is currently my mom's kitchen table!)
This is the frame pre-distress.
I decided to sand it down a bit prior to any painting. I wanted some of the wood to show through on the inside edges so I had to sand through that plastic-y looking coat on it.
I used white craft paint from the dollar store as my under colour. I wanted the white to be UNDER the black because I wanted the dominant colour to be dark. If you put on a reasonable first coat you don't really need a second. You be the judge. There really isn't any way to mess this up.
I used my hair dryer to help along the drying process. Note: it works well with craft paint, not so much with cupboard paint.
Once the white was dry I put on two coats of leftover black cupboard paint from one of my mom's projects. Again, putting on a solid first coat, you may not need a second. I am impatient and somewhat sloppy, so a 'good first coat' actually rarely happens for me.
Then I busted out the sand paper and went at it. I also took a screw and made a couple of scratches and banged the corners a little. Its a great way to get out a little frustration too! lol Like I said, you can't really mess this whole distressing thing up, go for it.
The frame fully distressed to my liking.
Voila!
The white matting you see below is straw and is the original matting. It
used to be straw coloured, but I put a coat of my white craft paint on it to bring in the right colour scheme. I have a few pops of yellow in my room and thought this yellow accented photo I had taken years ago of the birch in our backyard in fall would be perfect. And it was!
I am extremely happy with how it turned out and how it looks on my photo shelf! It feels SO good to actually have pictures up, in an organized manner and that add to the serenity of my experience in my room.
The photo collage beneath the photo shelf is individual 5x5 photos. Some from my instagram, some edited in the Fotor application on my computer and put in an old frame I had hiding under my bed.
Putting photos together hasn't been easy. I know I am not the only one who thinks that, especially in the digital age when we actually have to go out and PRINT them! Keep with it. Would love to hear what photo feats you've undertaken and been happy with!
Saturday, October 5, 2013
A Little DIY - Picture Frame Earring Organizer
I KNOW this is not my typical 'Here Comes the Sun Post'. Over the last year I have been dabbling in a lot of DIY projects and I've been trying to get them up on Pinterest without having to create entire blog posts on here, but they only give me 500 characters! The teacher in me cannot condense it THAT much! :) So be ready to see some more of these
Picture Frame Earring Orgainzer
1) Find a picture frame and dismantle/paint/make it how you want it to look - I just bought this from a 2nd hand store, scrapped the painting and used both the inner and outer frames for projects.
2) Create your lines/wires/ribbons to hang/pin your earrings on. I used regular crafting ribbon to pin my studded earrings and then two 1/4 inch thick wires for the hanging ones and wrapped the wires in the same colour ribbon. I taped them on the end. (This was a bit of a process. I think I'll do it differently next time. I also had to pre-poke holes with a sharp pin before putting the studs through because they don't go through that ribbon easily. Next time maybe I'll use burlap or screen or something less tightly woven)
3) Test the various lengths of your hanging earrings to ensure they stay within your frame (if that's what you want)
4) Staple/tape/nail/pin/glue the ribbon and wires in place (i used staples b/c I was impatient when I did this) I made loops for the wires to move in and out of (non necessary) but you do want them all to stay put! So do whatever you gotta do.
5) Put your earrings on it and voila! - When you are done you want to make sure there is a bit of room between the wall and the frame. I put two of typical pushpins on the corners of the back of the frame at the top so it leaned up against the wall without the earrings touching - otherwise the earrings don't have enough room to hang properly.
Inspired by:
http://www.pinterest.com/pin/130182245448651255/
http://www.pinterest.com/pin/130182245448565713/
Picture Frame Earring Orgainzer
1) Find a picture frame and dismantle/paint/make it how you want it to look - I just bought this from a 2nd hand store, scrapped the painting and used both the inner and outer frames for projects.
2) Create your lines/wires/ribbons to hang/pin your earrings on. I used regular crafting ribbon to pin my studded earrings and then two 1/4 inch thick wires for the hanging ones and wrapped the wires in the same colour ribbon. I taped them on the end. (This was a bit of a process. I think I'll do it differently next time. I also had to pre-poke holes with a sharp pin before putting the studs through because they don't go through that ribbon easily. Next time maybe I'll use burlap or screen or something less tightly woven)
3) Test the various lengths of your hanging earrings to ensure they stay within your frame (if that's what you want)
4) Staple/tape/nail/pin/glue the ribbon and wires in place (i used staples b/c I was impatient when I did this) I made loops for the wires to move in and out of (non necessary) but you do want them all to stay put! So do whatever you gotta do.
5) Put your earrings on it and voila! - When you are done you want to make sure there is a bit of room between the wall and the frame. I put two of typical pushpins on the corners of the back of the frame at the top so it leaned up against the wall without the earrings touching - otherwise the earrings don't have enough room to hang properly.
Inspired by:
http://www.pinterest.com/pin/130182245448651255/
http://www.pinterest.com/pin/130182245448565713/
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