My yoga practice, based on what I am choosing to focus on, was a complete mess last night. I know there are elements to my practice that were great, and in reality, the messiness of it was great too for the catharsis it brought about last night.
My instructor had the gift of spiritual challenge like no other I have ever experienced. Just by way of her instruction and guidance she pushed my every button. She told me not to try advanced poses (which she was probably right about) and just the sheer choice of postures she chose was enough to have me in child's pose for a quarter of the practice wondering WTF!? As she built upon our weaknesses she gave insight into setting strong foundations for more advance poses...like the crow pose or inversions, which are on my vision board as goals for the end of the year...and I wanted to vomit and I could hear the voices in my head saying, "Well actually I am pretty content with a basic flow practice, I don't think I really need to learn those inversions, really what am I going to do with them anyway, this is just a way to reduce stress." But it's not! I want to have the strength and flexibility to do those things! Don't ask my why?!?!?! It's just one of those things within me to help me to challenge what I think I am capable of.
So as I'm dying in downward dog, she takes us back down to the mat and on our back in a mini-savasana (corpse pose, basically lying there like a dead person...blissful!) and asks us to check in with how our body feels. And my body is feeling....emotion...and distinguishing the tears from the sweat becomes impossible for anyone but me, focusing on the breath is like asking me to stop sweating in a sauna, I can't. I can feel the impending heaves and gasps that accompany this kind of cry and yet somehow I manage to find my breath and focus on my body which feels like a blob of paint on the floor. Kind of like in those cartoons where the character melts and all you see is their eyes somewhere in the middle of the blob looking up. That is what I felt like. I allowed myself some moments just to sit with the emotions before parallel thoughts of where else this appears in my life began to float in. Work, relationships, always pushing forward to make something happen instead of being fully present NOW. I am constantly wondering, pondering, calculating and I am so fu^&ing tired!!! It's not THE work, or THE relationships (however non-existent or existent they are), it's not THE future, it's how I am dealing with it or perhaps trying to figure it out!!!
My practice was exhausting, I didn't stay in final savasana (which is opposite to my normal practice) because I could no longer control my breath or my tears. I was pissed off, I was tired and sweaty and I just wanted to go home...and so I did, taking care to take my time, to relax, to let go of my frustration...and more tears and to find that emotional exhaustion point where everything just becomes a bit numb. I watched a bit of the Grammy's, the collaboration, the synergy between the live performances, the energy that builds with mass amounts of people, the healing effect that music can and does have, the melodies that make me smile, the smiles that make my heart sing, the process of creation manifested in art...I let my soul be filled without hesitation.
I will let the mess go.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Me, My Mat and Montreal
I am very happy to have just recently written the last post about my reflections of yoga and the role it has played in my life because I got to reconnect with that part of me this past weekend in Montreal. There really is nothing like walking in -15C weather to the metro station to do yoga in a 32C room for 60-75mins and then go back out and go home. :)
My trip to Montreal was somewhat last minute and very unplanned for the most part, with the final details falling together only days before...mostly because of my own fears and stories about who I would be seeing and how it would all unfold and if you haven't already begun to wonder why I would be fearful of going to Montreal it's because it involves a man and of course by nature, which I am working to reframe, complicates any and all simple situations despite my valiant efforts to keep it simple myself. In all actuality, it was very simple...and then a language barrier created misunderstandings which led to stories, etc, etc, etc...blah blah blah. :) And that's me avoiding the subject entirely...lol.
Having found clarity for my/our confusion, the weekend did offer some amazing experiences that I would not have otherwise had as well as some brilliant and poignant awarenesses that will serve me moving forward. I take pride in my ability to communicate clearly and well and I created situations in which the opposite appeared. I believe in most instances I would walk away and not think twice about it, but this one is different. I want to understand and be understood....perhaps that's because that is one of the heart virtues that I am committed to along with truth! Duh!
You know....if I really get down to what the hell I am trying to say here, it's that I am grateful for reconnecting with myself, with yoga and with other aspects of myself through other people because I was able to see where I would like to put more energy in my life, where my priorities are beginning to solidify and that I am not a selfish bit#$ (as I have previously been called) hehehe :). I am infact very capable of having a balanced life that includes caring both for myself and others.
Good night. :)
My trip to Montreal was somewhat last minute and very unplanned for the most part, with the final details falling together only days before...mostly because of my own fears and stories about who I would be seeing and how it would all unfold and if you haven't already begun to wonder why I would be fearful of going to Montreal it's because it involves a man and of course by nature, which I am working to reframe, complicates any and all simple situations despite my valiant efforts to keep it simple myself. In all actuality, it was very simple...and then a language barrier created misunderstandings which led to stories, etc, etc, etc...blah blah blah. :) And that's me avoiding the subject entirely...lol.
Having found clarity for my/our confusion, the weekend did offer some amazing experiences that I would not have otherwise had as well as some brilliant and poignant awarenesses that will serve me moving forward. I take pride in my ability to communicate clearly and well and I created situations in which the opposite appeared. I believe in most instances I would walk away and not think twice about it, but this one is different. I want to understand and be understood....perhaps that's because that is one of the heart virtues that I am committed to along with truth! Duh!
You know....if I really get down to what the hell I am trying to say here, it's that I am grateful for reconnecting with myself, with yoga and with other aspects of myself through other people because I was able to see where I would like to put more energy in my life, where my priorities are beginning to solidify and that I am not a selfish bit#$ (as I have previously been called) hehehe :). I am infact very capable of having a balanced life that includes caring both for myself and others.
Good night. :)
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Thank you for the Anxiety Attacks! :)
I know that's a random title for a post, but it probably caught your attention!
And YES I am grateful for having had anxiety issues at one point in my life! I mean I wasn't crazy or anything, I just had a boyfriend...probably enough said...who happened to push every button all at the same time sometimes which resulted in anxiety and stress. Ahhhh....finding yet another reason to be grateful for him being in my life. :)
If it were not for his pushing my buttons combined with my stressed out and anxious reactions (which at that time was often a natural state of being) I would never have sought out ways to find my centre, some inner peace and sense of quiet. I had seen the effects of anxiety on my mother and I had zero desire to have to work as hard as she did to overcome it. It was during that time that I found yoga and an immediate source of peacefulness, groundedness and overall feeling of well being. It was also during this time when I began to open up to new philosophies, new ways of being, new ideas of realms seen and unseen and ultimately to my own sense of spirituality.
I have found my physical yoga practice to come and go in cycles, while the mental aspect of my practice remained quite in tact. Breathe, accept, let go. Sometimes easier said than done, but I had cultivated for myself something practical, something I could use and something that worked. I did yoga religiously for 6 months one year then stopped entirely. Then one winter while I was living in Vancouver I decided to do a month of it non-stop. Let's just say I fell short of my month, but I learned a great deal about myself and found a great sense of humour as well! Check out my posts from December 2010 here :) It starts with 'A Little Yoga Never Hurt' and ends with 'Learning from the Nasty Stuff'. Good times! :)
Yoga always makes me feel amazing...why I talk myself out of it I believe I am beginning to discover. It opens me up, it allows life to flow freely through me, my writing is clear, my intuition is audible...all the amazing things I could do if I just kept those gates OPEN! haha. And now a visual aid to embed that :) Here is to 2013...head stands and crow poses and all!
This is me...happy! Anxiety? What's that....
Peace and much love. x
And YES I am grateful for having had anxiety issues at one point in my life! I mean I wasn't crazy or anything, I just had a boyfriend...probably enough said...who happened to push every button all at the same time sometimes which resulted in anxiety and stress. Ahhhh....finding yet another reason to be grateful for him being in my life. :)
If it were not for his pushing my buttons combined with my stressed out and anxious reactions (which at that time was often a natural state of being) I would never have sought out ways to find my centre, some inner peace and sense of quiet. I had seen the effects of anxiety on my mother and I had zero desire to have to work as hard as she did to overcome it. It was during that time that I found yoga and an immediate source of peacefulness, groundedness and overall feeling of well being. It was also during this time when I began to open up to new philosophies, new ways of being, new ideas of realms seen and unseen and ultimately to my own sense of spirituality.
I have found my physical yoga practice to come and go in cycles, while the mental aspect of my practice remained quite in tact. Breathe, accept, let go. Sometimes easier said than done, but I had cultivated for myself something practical, something I could use and something that worked. I did yoga religiously for 6 months one year then stopped entirely. Then one winter while I was living in Vancouver I decided to do a month of it non-stop. Let's just say I fell short of my month, but I learned a great deal about myself and found a great sense of humour as well! Check out my posts from December 2010 here :) It starts with 'A Little Yoga Never Hurt' and ends with 'Learning from the Nasty Stuff'. Good times! :)
Yoga always makes me feel amazing...why I talk myself out of it I believe I am beginning to discover. It opens me up, it allows life to flow freely through me, my writing is clear, my intuition is audible...all the amazing things I could do if I just kept those gates OPEN! haha. And now a visual aid to embed that :) Here is to 2013...head stands and crow poses and all!
This is me...happy! Anxiety? What's that....
Peace and much love. x
Sunday, January 27, 2013
Letting Go of Good to Open Up to Great
I know a man who, along with his physical grandoise, ranks in my top five list of people in my life with powerful presence. I have taken many lessons away from brief moments in time spent with him because when he speaks he speaks to a part of me that wants to hear him, when he looks, he looks into a part of me that feels his gaze and his purpose and as I am writing this, I don't believe there is any other teacher in my life quite like him. One of the things I have learned from him is that it's OK to have good, but sometimes we need to get rid of 'Good' so we can open up to 'Great'.
So I asked myself, "What in my life am I holding onto that is good where I know it could be great?" This question lead me to a desire to really 'clean house' both internally and externally. Not an excuse to collect clutter, but by nature of my job, being in and out with frequent travel, I have piles of 'stuff' I fail to sort through. One of these piles happens to be a collection of what we fondly refer to at work as 'Love Notes'. At almost every event we create a wall with an individualized, often very decorative, envelope for everyone working on the team at that event. It's purpose is to be a place where we can share gratitude, words of thanks, jokes, gifts, and in general 'love' for each other. It is voluntary and optional whether you choose to sign or leave it anonymous.
So I decided to 'clean up' this pile. 10 envelopes turned into 20 turned into 30, turned into 40-ish (probably more) envelopes that I had accumulated since my start of volunteering 4 years ago to present and working ongoing.
While I am doing this, I am listening to 'Tribes' by Seth Godin, which was passed onto me by a co-worker. And upon listening to this, everything has to do with Leadership. As I am, let's be honest here, multi-tasking! Or killing 2 birds with one stone, I become acutely aware of the abundance I have before me. Letters and envelopes sprawled out on the floor around me with words of encouragement, thanks, acknowledgement, praise, humour and love. Then it hits me; everything that everyone else sees in me, everything that I am actually providing, doing, being an example of; it's all right there in the words of other people. And I see where I am great, and I am hearing about leadership from my computer and how when you are a good leader, people will naturally follow you because you stand for something. I am a leader...
Carol Brunet once said after losing the lead role to another leading lady for a Broadway production, "It's her time to shine, mind will come." I have felt that way for most of my life...until now. I can feel it brewing in my bones, I can taste it with my being and more than that, I know. Whatever it is that is finding its manifestation through me, whether big or small, is one of the greater things in my life I am meant to pursue. And that is the 'great' I am opening up to. :)
xx
So I asked myself, "What in my life am I holding onto that is good where I know it could be great?" This question lead me to a desire to really 'clean house' both internally and externally. Not an excuse to collect clutter, but by nature of my job, being in and out with frequent travel, I have piles of 'stuff' I fail to sort through. One of these piles happens to be a collection of what we fondly refer to at work as 'Love Notes'. At almost every event we create a wall with an individualized, often very decorative, envelope for everyone working on the team at that event. It's purpose is to be a place where we can share gratitude, words of thanks, jokes, gifts, and in general 'love' for each other. It is voluntary and optional whether you choose to sign or leave it anonymous.
So I decided to 'clean up' this pile. 10 envelopes turned into 20 turned into 30, turned into 40-ish (probably more) envelopes that I had accumulated since my start of volunteering 4 years ago to present and working ongoing.
While I am doing this, I am listening to 'Tribes' by Seth Godin, which was passed onto me by a co-worker. And upon listening to this, everything has to do with Leadership. As I am, let's be honest here, multi-tasking! Or killing 2 birds with one stone, I become acutely aware of the abundance I have before me. Letters and envelopes sprawled out on the floor around me with words of encouragement, thanks, acknowledgement, praise, humour and love. Then it hits me; everything that everyone else sees in me, everything that I am actually providing, doing, being an example of; it's all right there in the words of other people. And I see where I am great, and I am hearing about leadership from my computer and how when you are a good leader, people will naturally follow you because you stand for something. I am a leader...
xx
Wednesday, December 19, 2012
What I Have is Enough...Actually, More Than Enough
It has felt to me, in the past months, that I have been continually asking for more. More out of the people in my life, more from the company I work with, more of myself, more opportunities, income, relationships, travel that is not work related, direction...and the list can go on and on.
And one request pops out to me the most; more of myself. And the 'more' that I have been asking for has been masked quite nicely by my mind while my heart has patiently waited for me to lift the veil and see that what I require more of is gratitude for all the things that I do have because currently that is enough. Accepting that my life is enough right now, that I am enough as a person, that the amount of money I bring in is enough and that the relationships I have are enough.
That doesn't mean that I cannot keep striving to grow all of these things, but I have had distinct feelings of 'arriving' for lack of a better word, in the place that I have been waiting to be in for quite some time. When I thought of what this place might have looked like, I do not know I had a vision in mind, but what it felt like is fairly clear. It is a feeling where being, doing and having 'enough' is fulfilling. Understanding that my manifestations of 'enough' will transform and grow is exciting and freeing. Surrendering to enough as a good thing, as a positive aspect of being, as a turning point has been empowering, grounding and freeing. When I am ready for more, it will appear, they will appear, the opportunities will appear and most importantly, I will appear and show up for each and every one of those things I have been co-creating.
Being OK with enough has not been easy, but it has been real. It has given me the gift of perspective and understanding and in some instances hope. Being OK with enough makes me realize that in all actually, I am, have and do more than enough. And that is a beautiful thing.
And one request pops out to me the most; more of myself. And the 'more' that I have been asking for has been masked quite nicely by my mind while my heart has patiently waited for me to lift the veil and see that what I require more of is gratitude for all the things that I do have because currently that is enough. Accepting that my life is enough right now, that I am enough as a person, that the amount of money I bring in is enough and that the relationships I have are enough.
That doesn't mean that I cannot keep striving to grow all of these things, but I have had distinct feelings of 'arriving' for lack of a better word, in the place that I have been waiting to be in for quite some time. When I thought of what this place might have looked like, I do not know I had a vision in mind, but what it felt like is fairly clear. It is a feeling where being, doing and having 'enough' is fulfilling. Understanding that my manifestations of 'enough' will transform and grow is exciting and freeing. Surrendering to enough as a good thing, as a positive aspect of being, as a turning point has been empowering, grounding and freeing. When I am ready for more, it will appear, they will appear, the opportunities will appear and most importantly, I will appear and show up for each and every one of those things I have been co-creating.
Being OK with enough has not been easy, but it has been real. It has given me the gift of perspective and understanding and in some instances hope. Being OK with enough makes me realize that in all actually, I am, have and do more than enough. And that is a beautiful thing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)