Choas and Discomfort

You would think I would know by now that this feeling is an indication of things to change, of something in my life falling away to make room for clarity and something of even greater brilliance and beauty...but yet I still have not learned. Or perhaps I am still subconsciously resisting this knowing. I feel the feeling, start trying to grasp onto whatever I can in hopes that what I think I want and need stays nice and close to home for fear of what the unknown might bring.

Well the fog is lifting, the chaos is finding its order and the discomfort has shifted from unbearable, anxious knots in my stomach to the dull ache of acceptance. The sobering reality of having an opportunity to make a more definitive choice about the path I would like to take my life down. I have not fully let go of the tornado that is lessening and disappearing on the horizon because there is something in that tornado that belongs to me. Perhaps it will get dropped somewhere else on my path, or perhaps it was never really mine to begin with...

With more clarity comes more transparency...as if the veil has been lifted and everything that was there initially, but not seen is now all of the sudden laid out on display for reflection and contemplation maybe, but more than likely for a serious opportunity to either clean house and take out the trash, or simply to tidy up and put things back, maybe not where they were or where they belong, but where they fit for the moment. I see the things I want and have and am not grateful for, I see the empty spaces that feel like voids at times, but are not ready to be accompanied by anything, and then there's the pile of things that just don't fit, and the pile of things that just don't fit right now and aren't necessarily going to get tossed...

Looking forward to clearing out the metaphorical cupboards of my soul and really figuring out what I'm willing keep and what I'm ready to pass on.

Meeting Miles Apart

In that space right before I fall asleep, OF COURSE, I would have inspiration to write...

My meandering thoughts tonight were about my most recent long term relationship and it's eventual completion. The cliche statement of "we're headed in different directions" and "we're in two very different places in our lives" are really not that cliche and because they are so common, they've just become something of a not so happy addition to romance movies before 'the one' comes walking into them from around a blind corner.

Back to cliche statments...

My reality on this subject is that in my last two long term relationships, those have been the breaking points and the areas of contention. Both of them wanted to take the same exit except the context of each was very different.

The first, let's call him A, if we were two cars driving on the highway, we were right next to each other, side view to side view, cruising along the highway. There were plenty of times when we separated to get a couple lanes over, maybe even into the collectors lane, I even thought about finding another car to drive side by side with. Eventually we both got off at AN exit and the choice was then between getting back on the highway or getting off and stopping for a while. At that time, the highway represented travelling and teaching abroad and following my heart wherever it wanted to take me. And stopping meant getting in on a board to teach, and then taking a year off at some point to teach abroad, in the mean time settling down, house, etc. I chose the highway and more or less told him he couldn't come with me. Stopping had never even crossed my mind prior to that, staying together, getting married, yes, but stopping, no.

So on my merry little highway, which stayed in North America as opposed to my overseas intentions, brought me onto a highway where I met B. I am certain that B should have been a very brief encounter, but I liked the road B was on so I took it. I took it right to where he lived and although it would seem as if we were driving side by side on the highway we really weren't. In my opinion, he was here and there, ahead of me all the time and there were times when we were side by side, but I always felt as though he was miles ahead of me willing me to catch up yet not slowing down to close the gap. It's kind of like we both set out for the same destination but a couple hours apart, we're both going the same speed so we'll never meet up until we reach our destination only his destination wasn't clear...it wasn't as clear as the 'stopping' had been. It was hazy, and ambiguous and a very generic version of what stopping might look like, so unclear. I felt a bit like a cat chasing a mouse that's never meant to be caught.

How often do we play that game thinking that in the end we'll get what we want from that person only to realize that we would have it if they had it...

Either way, this inspiration to write has given me new perspective on understanding the reasons for things ending. I am happy that A finally stopped and is living the life he wants and that B is driving on his highway somewhere. What strikes me about B is that he is stopped in real life, but when I think about B, being stopped is the last thing that comes to mind. Now is that my illusion or B's?

Chew 30 x Before Swallowing

Have you ever heard this? Chew your food 30x before swallowing? I remember first hearing it on Full House when Stephanie was teaching her sister to chew properly, or some such context. Food or not, somethings require a bit more chewing than others before they can be fully digested. This goes both for food and food for thought.

"I create the conscious mental equivalent for whatever my HEART causes me to desire"

This statement right here, requires some chewing! When I first read it all I picked up on was HEART and DESIRE. Then I had to do a double take because there are three other words in between those two words that I have never seen before...'Heart CAUSES ME TO desire'...

Now THIS statement, for me, is sooooo powerful because as a firm believer in following my heart and in advising MANY a people to follow their heart, I have come to learn that what I think I desire and what my heart causes me to desire can be two totally opposing things!

To be totally honest, I'm still chewing on this statement because I don't feel I've reached that aha moment of clarity with respect to how this has played out in my life. What I do know is that there have been times when my heart has held me in situations with people or in places I had no previous desire to be in. In the immediate moment, all I wanted was to say 'No Thank you, next' and walk away and yet in every instance, my heart held me there. So instead of resisting my heart, I followed it and it took me to brilliant life lessons, to moments of seeing my greatness, to experiencing my own patience and power and to reaffirming that I am alive. It has been in those moments of letting go of resistance that I have created the conscious mental equivalent to whatever my heart is causing me to desire.

There have been moments when my heart's direction has been so strong that no matter how many reasons for not wanting that I throw in front of it, I cannot move until I accept the direction I am headed and face what is there to be seen or experienced. I have realized that my heart causes me to desire the greatest things for myself and then it also causes me to desire that which may not be perfect so that I can clarify what it is I truly want and need in my life.

In writing this post I have found some clarity and I have also found some peace in the fact that it doesn't matter which path I want, my heart will always put me on the path I need and it's my job to wrap my head around it and accept what is and move forward with new clarity.

Wow....still chewing. Thank you Adam.

When The Sun Sets

Over the last month or so I have seen a lot of sunsets. They were beautiful with reds, pinks, purples and blues and that glowing ball of sunshine dipping beyond the horizon was a sight to be seen every time. It was peaceful, beautiful and serene every time and even more it eluded to the momentary darkness of night that was upon us. Time to retreat, to relax, to rest and to sleep.

Since I thoroughly enjoy speaking through metaphors...I've recently had my own sunset in my life. I feel as though a part of my life has dipped beyond the horizons of my past to stay there as my past instead of consistently returning to my present. Never say never is what I am told and at times I believe that to be true, but for this particular instance I am choosing to believe that chapter of my being is finito and I am opening, actually writing a new chapter.

I have remembered that people are people and they will do stupid and shitty things to other people. It doesn't make them wrong or right, it just means they do stupid and shitty things. It is at this point I like to call them douchebags...not so much because I really think that deep down, more so because it's the only word that makes me feel better about having had them in my life...and trusting them with my vulnerability and openness. I wonder if they realize that what they do is stupid and shitty or if they just go about their days thinking that their douchy-ness is absolutely acceptable and probably even admired.

Anyhow, I arrived at the point of no return last week on Valentines Day of all the friggin' days in the world to share love, there I was all friggin' constricted and mad at one particular douchebag for being so oblivious to me and my feelings. I'll admit I wanted to be the centre of attention and I ended up not even being a part of the story. So how does one react or respond? Well first, the do I don't I of writing FB messages, texting and commenting on statuses, then the crying and wondering what the fuck I was thinking in the first place, then the anger and sheer disgust, then the remembering of those glimpses of genuine connection that make me think I want to go back there, then the remembering of all the not so nice ways of speaking to me, but just nice enough and light hearted enough to keep me smiling and then the venting to people who don't really care, then venting to people who do really care and then just coming to a place of giving up the entire situation to the greater powers at be. Because quite frankly I've got better things to do than whine over some asshole who thinks he's the best thing since sliced bread. (Hate to break it to ya 'babe' but no...)

THANKFULLY, I am extremely blessed to have presence of mind that I have, the work that I have and the co-workers I have. If it were not for being on the road, seeing some of my best friends every weekend and focusing on helping others rather than how to figure out the best way to deal with a douchebag, I would be crying in my bed wondering what I was thinking, what was wrong with me and why I got left behind. Instead I am laughing out loud, smiling ear to ear and knowing that God just gave me a gift, he saved me from being in a crappy relationship, for lack of better wor, and from making choices that were not in line with what I wanted or what I deserve.

Let me be frank here (I'll still be Kelly though). I am a very easy going person in most areas of my life. I can live simply, I can go with the flow, I can be open to anything and everything because I trust that my life is great and only great things will happen to me no matter what they feel like. And I also have some areas of my life where things just are not negotiable...like how others treat me, how they speak to me and how they act when they are or are not around me. At some point over the last month I gave in a little on those, thinking I needed to be someone I wasn't and all that created was a huge situation that was, guess what....not me and not what I wanted! Things are not negotiable for a reason, they do not serve me, I am not empowered, nor am I truly happy. So I got to choose. I got to choose whether or not I was going to allow this chapter of my life with this person to continue as is or whether it was time to let the sun do it's setting and write a new one.

Fancy this, you get to choose to0! Tired of people treating you like shit, speaking to you as if you know nothing, acting as if you don't exist unless of course it's convenient for them? Then start making those things non-negotiable because quite frankly it's self abuse. It might seem like the other person is abusing you, but really it's you. Just like it was me.

Of course, this particular sun thinks it's allowed to pop back up whenever it wants and shine in my world, and I expect it to do that for quite some time, but I know that once the sun sets, it stays set and follows it's cycle, the sun can't keep popping up and setting as if to hit rewind and replay.

I could say I made a wrong turn, but that's not true, every turn is the right turn because somewhere along that road I realize I need to be on the other road or just a road that isn't this one. Sometimes I can just take a side street, other times I have to go all the way back and turn around. Either way I always get to where I need to be just like the sun always sets.

A Sense of Permanence...Illusory

This summer has provided me with many opportunities to see the natural cycles of death in the human world, in the business world, in the natural world. Sitting upon a pontoon floating in Ahmic Lake this past week I pondered this seeming permanence we bring with us in this life; this notion that everything will stay the same forever...until it changes (often against our will), either slowly or in a moment.

The first of these changes was the burning of the downtown in Magnetawan, where my cottage is located and where I have been going every summer for 28 years...since I was born.

When I drove in on the Monday morning it was business as usual. Stopping in for random groceries, picking up an O Magazine, just checking out what kinds of ice creams they had in stock. And then before long it was this...

And now it's simply dirt...

I know that words cannot express a heartfelt loss sometimes. Thinking back to all the places the 'Downtown Magnetawan' shirts have seen from countries and continents and all the places it will continue to see as it's legacy lives on in everyone who owns their beloved shirts.

I did and still do take serious pride in being in a collection of photos along side Jimmy Carter and his wife! (He's just left of the black man in the big photo in the middle and that's my fam directly above the black man). And yet this photo from the internet is the only remnants of that pride I have aside from my memory, as it is all gone now.

Yet even the simplest things like our neighbour no longer having the 'fish cutting board' where we used to watch her fillet fish fresh from the lake from her husband's catch nearly every morning we were there. Or perhaps the absence of frogs in our ditch or snapping turtles under the docks. Every year it feels we are left with one less seemingly permanent thing.

Or perhaps it's a friend from high school days, who you might look forward to running into randomly at the grocery store on a visit home. And then finding out they have died and that the only place to run into them is your dreams and memories.

Or perhaps its a covered bridge in Vermont or a road that you took to your friends house that no longer exists. It could be any number of things. It could even be the shift from the old you to the new you, where you look back and do not even recognise yourself for the changes you have made.

And in and amongst all this destruction is something new waiting to emerge, empty land waiting to be built or re-built upon, babies waiting to be born, ducks and geese wandering the waters instead of turtles with destructive jaws, and a fort built by the young neighbour's son which will disappear with the wind only to be rebuilt next summer, and new relationships emerging from all of this chaos. And among the depth of it all, a warrior's heart, a strong heart, a deep appreciation for all that lives and all that dies and all that resides in the inbetween of birth and death, or rebirth and death.

Yes, things change, yes sometimes it's hard to deal with and yet somehow I do. Somehow my brain and heart come together in understanding this cycle, they come together and form a bond with each other, for what my head cannot deal with, my heart can and always does. This sense of permanence we all bring with us is not what is exterior to us, it is what is interior to us, it is what we are made of, it is our spirit being projected outward. And in our world of duality, even Me...as a physical being, am impermanent, just like you, just like the covered bridges and friends and downtowns. Somewhere in the in between of constantly being reborn unto myself until my own physical death...

I choose to live life fully, to embrace the emotion of change with love and delight in the midst of grief, for a new dawn is coming...it's just beyond our sight.